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BASIL'S ADVENTURES
around my bedroom and lounge

In (eventual) response to the threat of "removal from the internet" by Pipex, I am pleased to announce the new adventures of Basil Brush, in and around my house. I also have an enormous stuffed hedgehog (not because I am a wet girl type, though - because I am waiting for the most effective time to set fire to it - I am a boy, and therefore HARD).

| "BASIL's FIRST TRIP" This charming figurine, lovingly crafted by ugly slaves, is a fitting tribute to the memory of Princess Diana. The hairs on the snout are formed from mechanically recovered meatstuffs, and his snazzy red jacket was supplied by Miss Selfridge, £45. Gloy Sniffing is safe unless you Gloy your nostrils together, in which case it's probably still safe because you can breathe through your mouth as an interim measure.

| "CITY GENT" Basil's two front teeth are made from 50% cotton, 50% fluff. An interesting fact is that cucumbers are 95% water, and only 5% cucumber! This means that you need TWENTY cucumbers simply to have ONE. Basil, however, cares nothing for cucumbers. Being a rabid carnivore, his favourite sandwich from "Pret A Manger" is Chicken and Lego in a Tsatsiki marinade.

| "THEY EAT THEIR YOUNG" Rare footage of a delightful moment of cannibalism in the not real fox community. The pecking order of foxes that are not real is often blurred by the fact that they have to be moved around by humans, and tend to fall over when you put them in interesting positions. This photo is rare because stuffed foxes rarely attach porcelain foxes, because their teeth are, after all, made out of fluff and cotton. The worst this porcelain fox can expect is a bit of saliva. No, hang on - not even that. I forgot that Basil's a stuffed fox again.

| "WON'T YOU BUY MY WARES?" Join Basil as he parades the local comprehensive school, dishing out cigars to the pretty youngsters. Basil eschews the traditional "the first cigar's free, but you pay forever" mode of evil, much preferring the threatening model, threatening the children with threats of a severe twatting unless they "buy the fucking smokes, just buy the fucking smokes". Basil's preferred weapon is the hammer.

| "CONTROVERSIAL GAMING" Basil tries to maintain his general "naughtiness" into his leisure time. Here he can be seen clapping his hands in glee as he destroys another minority group. Basil's favourite Playstation games are; THE PLAGUE : where you play an HIV+ man who kills his enemies by biting them and following them for 20 years. and PARAPPA THE RAPPER : because it's good when you're on acid (it really is) He also likes nothing more than to twiddle with the little joysticks, pretending they are nipples.

making the most of a really shit digital camera
Chicken and Lego in a Tsatsiki Marinade comes to you courtesy of Martin Casterton