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Episode Four.
Scene Six. The Childhood of a Christian.
What you need to know for this scene is that both Killian (our favourite judge) and Keith (his nemesis and leader of the local Christian Youth movement) went to school together. Both of them reminisce about their school days in this episode. This is Keith's story. It is worth noting that Keith changed him name from Darren, and Killian changed his name from Jeffrey. OK?

               [Darren sits on a bench, reading a Famous Five book.]

    Darren     [to himself] These characters. They are so vividly described. I want to touch them.
               However, as this a book, I can only rub the pages against my hair.

               [he does so. The young Killian, Jeffrey, takes it off him]

    Jeffrey    Reading something, are we? Reading is for girls. Are you a girl?

    Darren     No.

    Jeffrey    Aha, riddle me this. Have you got a penis or a vagina?

    Darren     A penis.

    Jeffrey    Oh. Are you sure? You can always change your mind.

    Darren     No, I've got a penis.

    Jeffrey    [dejected] Bum.

    Darren     Leave me alone. I want to read.

               [Jeffrey takes the book from him]

    Jeffrey    OK then, language boy, are you heterosexual or homosexual?

    Darren     Heterosexual. Give me my book back.

    Jenny      Hit him, Booboo. In the kidney. [Booboo hits him] Say you're a homo. Then we'll
               leave you alone. Say "I am a homo and I like other homos".

    Darren     No. It's not true.

    Jenny      Booboo. Do the.. [gestures] fist hit thing. Punch.

    Darren     Alright. But you promise to leave me alone.

    Jenny      You have my word.

    Darren     I am a homo and I like other homos.

    Jenny      Come on, boys, to the printing press!

Scene Seven.
Class Outing.

               [The classroom has a number of "Darren Jeffs - Absolutely Queer" outing posters,
               with a photo of Darren. The teacher is conducting a normal class]

    Jeffrey    Miss, I've changed my name to Killian.

    Teacher    That's very nice, Jeffrey.

    Teacher    [back to the board] And if you've got a remainder at the end, forget about it.
               No, forget about division altogether. Let's just get the glockenspiels out.
               [the whole class get out glockenspiels and start plinking with them tunelessly]
               That's the spirit. Play with them for half an hour, I'm just going to the staff
               room for six fags.

               [Darren has his hand up]

    Teacher    [wearily] Yes, Darren?

    Darren     Can you take down those posters? I don't like them and I'm not gay.

    Teacher    I'd love to, Darren. But in this country we have freedom of political expression.
               By all means start an opposing campaign of your own, but if you want to suppress
               the pupil formerly known as Jeffrey with your censorship, then you're worse than
               Hitler.

    Darren     But I'm not gay.

    Teacher    Nobody's saying you are.

    Darren     [momentarily speechless - glances at the posters] Can I put up posters saying
               I'm not gay then?

    Teacher    Certainly not. That might appear homophobic.

    Darren     And I can't take these posters down.

    Teacher    No, you can't. And if you try, I'll hit you so hard you'll die, gay boy.

               [a journalist walks past the window - he looks in]

    Hack       I can see the headlines! Gay Schoolchild in School Gay... Child... Shocker.

               [Whirling newspapers, like this]

               [NEWSPAPER ONE : headline : Gay Schoolboy Is Gay
                                 subhead : Gay Child Attends School

                          TWO : headline : When Will It End?
                                 subhead : Burn Them All

                        THREE : headline : Dead Woman "Not Dead" Claim Refuted
                                 subhead : Zombie Fears For Middle Aged Chiropodist]

    Darren     [in the present day] My name itself became an insult. Other Darrens were beaten
               up as my shame became more famous. I was ridiculed - until I found people who
               accepted me. They never insulted me, because they were all society's rejects.
               Together, we became... the Christian Union. And who has the goon called Booboo
               now, Redgrave?

    Booboo     Did you want me boss? I was chewing myself.

    Darren     Never mind, Booboo. You just keep chewing.

Next!