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# Bringing Up Baby

### or "How To Churn Out A Right Fucker"

So, you've decided to have a child? Well done. Children are marvelous inventions, and with patience and dedication any parent can produce the serial killer of the next generation. And here, my dear Foxfans, is how.

#### How To Have Children

It's sex, I'm afraid. Sordid, kinky sex, with other people. Using energy derived from mind-bending "food" substances, users of sex have reported initial sensations of pleasure soon replaced by paranoia.

The alarming side-effects of sex continue long after the "trip" - almost a year after her first sex binge, Kathy Elliot was shocked to find a slimy version of herself slithering from between her legs. Assuming this to be simply a sex flashback, she set about the hallucination with a pointed mallet, and is now crusading for infanticide to be made legal.

#### The Changing Child

Children change - boy, do they change!

Take Penrith - three brothers changed so completely that they had difficulty being recognised. Upon their wise mother's advice, they huddled under a sheet of tin in a storm, and after the lightning strike, they had combined into one super-child, fifteen feet tall. However, their weakened molecular structure caused them to melt, and they now form a micro-thin layer across the whole of England and Wales.

And that's largely what dew is.

#### Losing Your Child

Losing children in shopping malls can be a gratifying experience. If you wish to lose your child in a mall, there are a number of ways to make sure he stays lost. First, ensure that your child is drunk; rum and Gold Label is a safe bet. Secondly, before you run off, tell the child that you have set fire to his Buzz Lightyear. He will be so angry that he will not look for you for a minute, until the fear sets in. Finally, use this minute to dash for the lift and make sure you choose a button that would be out of your child's reach. Bingo!

#### Children And Rooms

Children can leave rooms either by using a door, or by being hauled physically out of a window. Young Titus Hurst of Clapham found a novel way of exiting when he died, walked through the door AS A GHOST, and became reincarnated on the other side! Sadly for Titus, he had led a fairly squalid life, and was reincarnated as a woman.

Never mind, Titus, there's always next time!

#### Knowing When To Kill Your Child

Child prodigies - love them or loathe them, it'd be very strange if you didn't asolutely fucking loathe them. Children should stick to wholesome children's activities; eating crisps and crying. Should your child take an unhealthy interest in books, or use words that seem odd, like "notwithstanding" or "forebearance", it is probably best to cut him to ribbons with a serrated blade.

But even then, it's not all over... it is generally considered a mitigating circumstance in courts if you treat a murdered child as though it is alive. (You don't want to appear to be rubbing its face in it). Push it on the swings, you know, good kiddy stuff. Whee!

#### The Stages of Childhood

There are degrees of childhood. In infancy, the child is highly volatile, and prone to fizzle on contact with water. The child can convey feelings of pain, so it is always worthwhile to hurt it. Gasping, noiseless sobs are always a fair sign that you have hurt the child paticularly well on this occasion.

Into childhood proper, and the child will start to want things. Each demand must be met with derision. "You want an Action Man? Action Man's a doll. Are you a girl, then? Do you play skipping games with the girls?"

Adolescence! This is the time you are most likely to see a child trying to entice a dog to lick his penis. (Lick the child's penis - dogs of course need little encouragement to lick their own cocks). It will use, perhaps, the promise of a biscuit, or wear a wig resembling a gorgeous lady Afghan. This is one of the few practices that should be encouraged.

"Dr Brush's Guide To Churning Out Right Fuckers" is available soon in Methuen. Basil Brush would like to take this opportunity to say something rude about Moslems, but is too scared.