THE LEGALITIES OF
THROWING SAUSAGES AT DAVID BLAINE

After a friend in America told me that we had made CNN, and the founder of OUTintheUK forwarded calls asking if I wanted to go onto radio shows to discuss my motives, I could takes no more. I'm not built for proper, talking fame. I want everyone to know who I am and love me, but I don't want to have to justify that love in any way whatsoever. So it has to end. Oh, and because apparently I'm inciting a riot. Cool, eh? Here's the press release myself and Jason (the owner of OUTintheUK) agreed upon. By the way, the bit about me making a film was a lie. I just thought it'd make me sound amazing.

19 September 2003 GAY SAUSAGE TOSSERS FOILED Britain's largest gay social club has pulled an event planned for this weekend where its members were invited to hurl sausages at illusionist David Blaine. After seeking advice from the Metropolitan Police, OUTintheUK contacted the event organiser and has cancelled the prank that was due to take place this coming Saturday afternoon. "The Police advised that a co-ordinated event involving dozens of people could constitute a public act of disorder and lead to our members being searched for bangers and possibly arrested for incitement to riot," commented Jason Finch, founder of OUTintheUK. He continued: "We are also concerned about increasing reports in today's press about violence against so-called Blaine-baiters, particularly those where Blaine's guards have been involved in restraining people attempting to hurl fruit at the box." After much consideration the event was cancelled entirely and members are being urged not to bring sausages to the original pre-event drinks party which will go ahead as planned. Event organiser Jonathan Blyth, of web project disappointment.com, conceived the event 10 days ago prior to any of the publicised attacks on Blaine's box and used OUTintheUK's free event listings to promote the event. After seeing the attacks on the box, the sausage tossing event was to be part of a short film, as much a parody of the lone-wolf nutters who hunt him as the man himself. Blyth commented: "I bear David Blaine no malice, despite the obnoxious nature of the stunt, and the fact he's a humourless old fart. I just wanted to see loads of chipolatas in the air at once. You so rarely get the chance these days." A new and much more sombre event will replace the sausage tossing. It is billed as "Drifting a lone sausage somewhere near David Blaine". With the original plan cancelled, a single chipolata will be taped to a helium balloon and released near Tower Bridge. Gay men wishing to attend the event are being advised not to bring any sausages. [ENDS]

So, if you ever wanted to throw sausages at David Blaine, consider the crimes you'd be committing. Incitement To Riot! Having gathered more than twelve people, and asked them to join us on a violent assault on a hovering man, we were officially organising a riot. How cool is that? I'm a fucking anarchist. So anarchic that I think nothing of dropping the fuck word into the middle of a sentence. Maximum penalty? 10 years! And an UNLIMITED FINE! Criminal Damage! Criminal damage does not have to be permanent. As soon as our delicious sausages had smeared that poor man's box with their squirty prime juice, we'd have damaged it. Criminally. And considering the fact we were throwing pork at a jew, it might have been seen as racially motivated criminal damage. Maximum penalty? 14 years! Harrassment, Alarm or Distress! Bit of a gay crime this, just involves being a bit rude at someone. Maximum Fine - £1,000! However, if it was intentional - and let's face it, we really did intend to distress the laughless bastard - that's £5,000 or 6 months imprisonment! Assorted Public Order Offences! Riot! If we'd gone ahead... an unlimited fine and 10 years imprisonment. Violent Disorder! £5,000 and six months! And the same again for Affray! So, to create an utterly pointless statistic that makes no real sense considering the impossibility of being prosecuted for all the above offences, I could have been sent to prison for 35 YEARS and been fined INFITITY PLUS £16,000! That's not to mention the civil case we'd have been opening ourselves to, should David want to sue us under the rules of protection from harassment. And he probably would as well. The cunt. So, that's that then. With a cancelled non-event on our hands, we just had to make do with a chipolata and a single helium balloon. Boo hoo. Sausages foiled. Ha haarh. Eur.