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Yessir! If they'd been put together fifty years ago, they'd be the original odd couple! Beeker, unfortunate lab assistant cursed with a vocal restraint that only allows him to say "meep", and Yoda, wise old Jedi Knight, with a funny way of going about sentences. Until today, they'd never been seen together (so this sitcom will finally put to rest those rumours that they are the same person, which to be frank were a lot of nonsense in any event)

The Beeker and Yoda Show |  | ### Channel 5's New Flagship Series

### Scene Twelve : Beeker Blows Up The Lounge

YODA
Boy oh boy, pooped am I after hard day at office. A good rest I need.

ENTER BEEKER, CARRYING A TRAY OF WIGS. THE CROWD CHEERS.

BEEKER
Meep. Meep.

THE CROWD SCREAMS ENTHUSIASTICALLY

YODA
Experimenting again with exploding wigs are you, young Beeker?

BEEKER
Meep. Meep.

GENTLE LAUGHTER. LIGHT APPLAUSE.

YODA
Careful you be. Make sure always the safety is on.

BEEKER IS WEARING AN ENORMOUS BEEHIVE WIG. HYSTERICAL APPLAUSE.

YODA
Warn you I do, young Beeker. Tears before bedtime there will be.

THE WIG EXPLODES. BEEKER LOOKS SURPRISED.

BEEKER
Meep!

YODA
Foreseen this I had.

### THE END

If they'd been thought of fifty years ago, and "Beeker & Yoda" hadn't been thought up, these two would be the original odd couple! A little more saucy than Beeker and Yoda, who had to cater for children's audiences, Nun occasionally turns the air blue with her drug-fuelled outbursts!

| ### DALEK & THE NUN #### The Racy New Sizzler from C4 |

THEME TUNE
He's a Dalek, she's a nun,
He likes garlic, she likes buns,
He loves Art Malik, she loves Clive Dunn,
It's Dalek & The Nun....
So sit down, and don't be late....
DALEK
Or I'll ex-term-in-aaaaate!

### Scene Five : Davros For Dinner

NUN SITS IN CHAIR WITH WHISKY. DALEK RUNS AROUND HOUSE NERVOUSLY.

DALEK
Look, honey, I've got Davros coming 'round for dinner, so everything's got to be just perfect.

NUN
Cook my aaarse.

DALEK
Oh, really! You're drunk! Here, have some ecstasy. A couple of disco biscuits will make you better disposed to my dark master.

NUN GRABS THE PILLS AND HOPS ONTO A PODIUM. STARTS DANCING.

DALEK
Now all I've got to do is finish this meal before she starts to come down!

FOUR HOURS LATER....
DAVROS AND DALEK SIT AT THE TABLE. NUN IS UPSTAIRS.

DAVROS
And when Mark gave the baby Chicken Pox, I didn't know where to put my face, really! I mean, it's no kind of Christmas present, is it?

DALEK
Ooh, he never. He never did. Well, I never.

NUN COMES DOWNSTAIRS, VOMITING

NUN
Fuckin' snide biscuits. Y'dealt us a raw crab, y'dalek bastard.

DAVROS
[ANGRY] You're still dealing dodgy pills to nuns? You'll never exterminate in this town again!

DALEK
Davros! Wait! Oh, poo. Well, there's always next week!

NUN HOISTS HER SKIRT ABOVE HER HEAD AND VOMITS FURTHER

### THE END

If Hilda Ogden had been thought of 50 years ago, etcetera, she would have been the original odd couple! Yessir! And when she found a time flux warp zone in one of Stan's dirty string vests, she was to be sucked into the adventure of a lifetime! What followed was fine, upstanding children's viewing in the grand tradition of The Herb Garden, The Magic Roundabout, and more recently, TeleTubbies.

Magical HILDA OGDEN in the FORBIDDEN VALLEY |
##### THE BBC FIGHTS BACK WITH THE HOMELY ACTION CHILDREN'S SOAP THAT TIME FORGOT

Scene Three : Fingers For T-Rex

PTERANODON
What are you doing, Mrs Ogden?

HILDA
Eh dear oh dear. Eh, our pteranodon. I'm sewing a magic hanky so that no-one will ever get a cold again in the Forbidden Valley. It's tricky as a bitch, pardon my French.

PTERANODON
Is tricky a French word then, Mrs Ogden?

HILDA
[ROLLING HER EYES] God bless the simple Pteranodons!

ENTER T-REX. CROWD GASPS.

T-REX
Only me! Give us a biscuit.

HILDA
There's bourbons in the barrel. No Jammy Dodgers, though, you'll ruin your appetite.

T-REX TRIES TO OPEN THE BARREL WITH HIS SPACCY HANDS. BOURBONS ARE SPRAYED EVERYWHERE.

T-REX
Oh, Mrs Ogden, using your tantric sex magic powers, can you give me long fingers? I've got spaccy little fingers, like a goat.

HILDA
Let's ask the magic tantric dog's egg!

SONG
We're going to ask the dog's egg for fingers for T-Rex,
T-REX That's me!
Will he say no? Will he say yes? We'll have to wait and see!

DOG'S EGG
Woof! Woof!

HILDA
Language, Basil!

THE EGG FLIES OUT OF THE WINDOW.

T-REX
No fingers for me, then. Can you pass a biscuit up? I'm really hungry.

Magical Hilda in the Forbidden Valley never ends. Although in a very real sense it does end, and it does end, very much so, equally, and equally validly, it never ever ends, not at all.

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