Dear I came to visit you some time last week on a business meeting. You may not remember me. The business was trivial, and my visit brief. However, during the thirty minutes that you kept me waiting, I struck up a rapport with your secretary. I found her conversation most stimulating. Nearly all of her sentences made sense, and were in some way linked to what I had previously said. Although her thighs were a little thick-set (and looked like a tightly-bound ham just gasping loose of the blood-soaked butcher's string), I found her utterly captivating, and would like to ask your permission to marry her, or to have sex with her until she consents. You will probably want to know of my history, and my standing in the community. I organise many local events, including the pseudolympics, which includes the prolific "jumping off a doll's house" event, along with "test driving a Tonka" and the classic "grape crushing" tournament. I got all of these from Stu Francis, whom you may or may not remember. I tried thinking up some of my own events;