| METAFUR the BEEP KITTEN Fans of beeping cats will love Metafur. Metafur beeps when you squeeze her paw, and also when you don't. In fact, you can squeeze her paws all you like, Metafur beeps when she bloody well likes. Metafur crawls around the floor without dignity, her ability to walk impaired by her habit of lying on her hide and pushing herself around in circles. The fact that the cat looks so realistic actually makes this display quite distressing. Buy twelve Metafurs, and the alarming spectacle of a mentally ill cattery is complete. Metafur also learns from her experiences. Throwing her against the wall will generally result in one of her eyes falling off. That'll teach her. Metafur works with three AA batteries, although a rechargeable battery in the cat's brain ensures that she will keep beeping and whirring long after you remove them.

SPUNKS-UP DIPPING SHIT You can imagine, can't you. Your daddy comes back from the newsagent with a tub of Dipping Shit, and expects you to eat it! You'd send him back with a flea in his ear. However, if your dad was Japanese, this would be quite normal! But don't worry, it's not real shit... it's just a thick brown paste with a dark crust that initially resists pressure, but eventually gives to release the foamy green substance that you scoop up hungrily and dribble down your shirt. The advertising campaign is based on the slogan "Kids Cannot Deny Dipping Shit", and involves children trying to deny dipping shit, with obvious evidence of their dipping shit around them, like a crusty cocoon of turd enveloping their torso. You might get a finger of Fudge from your father, perhaps, if he doesn't mind you putting your finger up his arse. Chances are he will become uncomfortable as the traditional father-son boundaries are violated. | What's technological about Chocolate? That's a good question. Isn't this supposed to be T3, a technological magazine? Yes, it is. You just had a picture and needed somewhere to use it. Spot on. That's absolutely correct.

| MEDICAL SURGERY "I don't look nice, Doctor. What can you do?" "I can give you an old woman's eye and put a young man in your mouth. At the price of twenty thousand pounds, I am giving it away." It's a conversation we will all recognise - and with the boundless promise of technology, you can have it. The new technology to fit men into ladies' mouth has finally been put to use, and it has become something of a status symbol in Karaoke bars to simply open your mouth and let the little man do the singing.

TINY BUILDINGS TO FIT UNDER WOMEN Little bricks, the size of Tic-Tacs, mean that two feet tall buildings - that women can step over on the way to the shops - are on the way. They should be on our streets by the year 2002, and will contain little people who will look up the chimney pipe and giggle at the lady's knickers. In the future, women's underwear is likely to become ever more outlandish and revealing, and women will have machines strapped to their hips that can give them orgasms at the touch of a button. However, if they use it more than once a day their teeth will go black. |