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Episode Six
The Wig Hole
Part of the retrospective is a section where storylines that had to be cut out for the purposes of time are ressurected. This is one of them.

    Mary      The Chinese Women subplot wasn't the only storyline we had to cut out for the sake
              of time. When there appeared to be an extra wig on the hatstand, we all thought that
              Lord Jools had got a girlfriend. The truth turned out to be very much more disturbing,
              and myself and Hilary had toupee the price....

    A. Discussing The Wig.

    Killian   Look. All we know is that there's an extra wig on the hatstand, and that Jools hasn't come
              out of his room in three days. It's must be a girlfriend. How else can you explain it?

              [Inside Jools' room, his leg is trapped under a felled tree. He is scrabbling for the door,
              but cannot reach]

    Mary      That's so sweet. What do you reckon she looks like?

    Killian   [jealously] If I know Jools, I'll bet she's got massive tits.

    Hilary    And loads of them.

              [a mug on the table rattles, and flies into the extra wig; it disappears with a rippling
              of the air and colours around it, and a slurping pop]

    Mary      Well, I hope they're happy in there. Bless them.

              [Jools is trying to saw his leg off with a coping saw - he gets a bit of blood on his
              finger, likes the taste, and starts trying to eat his leg off]

    B. Over Dinner. Dining With The Wig.

    Killian   Come on, Mary. We're hungry judges and we want food.

    Hilary    I'm not actually that hungry.

    Killian   Don't be cruel, Hilary. She'll feel useless unless she can cook for us.

    Mary      [from the kitchen] I'm a judge as well, you know.

    Hilary    [whispering to Killian] Is she?

    Killian   [whispering back] Just smile. She's looking for attention.

              [Mary walks in from the kitchen with two plates of food. The food on one of them wobbles,
              then shoots into the wig with a shiver and a burp. Mary puts the plates down, and the two
              men look at each other. Hilary starts to say something but Killian waves him to shut up]

    Killian   [slowly, patronising] That's lovely, Mary. Thank you very much. Is it a kipper?

    Mary      [unaware] No, it's... hang on... someone's had your dinner.

    Killian   Ah, so my plate is empty. I thought it was invisible kippers, again.

    Mary      Well, it must be somewhere.

    Hilary    Probably down the back of the sofa! Tcho!

              [Hilary gets stared down by Mary and Killian]

    Hilary    Alright, alright. Well, food's been flying into Jool's girlfriend's wig since it appeared.

    Mary      That must be it then.

    Killian   Fair enough.

    C. Watching Television, Later.

              [The three are watching television, basked in the old glow]

    Mary      Hilary, when you said that the wig had been eating food, did you actually mean that the
              wig had been eating food?

    Hilary    Yes.

    Killian   Shh. Television is afoot.

    Mary      Do wigs need food to live?

    Hilary    I've never fed my own wig. I assumed it went foraging at night. That's why I had the
              wig-flap put in. Hang on - no, they don't, no, wigs don't eat food. And we haven't got
              a wig-flap.

    Killian   Be quiet.

    Mary      I don't think that's a wig at all. Come over here.

    Hilary    [pausing] But the television's on. Can we wait until it's off?

    Mary      No, I really think this is important.

    Killian   People! I'm watching... whatever this is.

              [Hilary and Mary walk over to the hatstand. Killian falls asleep then jerks awake
              again]

    Mary      I think that that's just the illusion of a wig, created by a highly localised distortion
              in the space-time continuum.

    Hilary    Ah, you mean a kind of wormhole.

    Mary      In a manner of speaking, yes. But it appears to be a hungry wormhole. See this book,
              The Hungry Caterpillar, and this sausage. [she produces both] The sausage slips easily
              through the hole left by the Hungry Caterpillar. [she slides it through] The same thing
              is happening here. Only page two is a different dimension.

    Hilary    Can we go through?

              [their hair starts getting sucked towards the hole]

    Mary      Nah, I wouldn't think so.

              [they get stretched and sucked through the hole]

    Hilary    [in a natural voice] That's a relief. [pop, belch, slurp]

    D. A Spaceship, Any Spaceship.

              [Two aliens sit in chairs in an interrogation scenario. Hilary and Mary are in cages..
              The aliens don't have to be very convincing, of course, just very fat]

    Zyx 12    Aha, Vax 5, the hole has surpassed itself with some living specimens.

    Vax 5     Yes, Zyx 12. They should prove most .... tasty.

    Mary      Oh, so you're going to eat us then.

    Zyx 12    Yes. We are travelling fat aliens, searching for the ultimate gastronomic kick.

    Vax 5     We will be eating you, and we're not even hungry. That's the kind of fat aliens we are.

    Zyx 12    Big, fat, aliens.

              [Hilary raises his hand, going "oo-oo!"]

    Zyx 12    And we won't be explaining why we're talking English, either.

              [Hilary lowers his hand]

    Vax 5     Turn on the heat. With the heat on, things should really start to.. hot up.

    Zyx 12    Very clever, Vax 5. Just like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

    Mary      Well, this is it, then. It looks like we're going to die.

    Hilary    Erm... Mary?

    Mary      Yes?

    Hilary    I've never been... intimate... with anyone, and - although obviously, I'd like it to be
              with someone more attractive - but well, beggars can't be choosers, you know, and ....
              can I feel your tits?

    Mary      [looking neither excited, bored nor scared] Okay.

              [he pokes her boobs through her dress - not sensually - the aliens look on in disgust]

    Vax 5     My god, Zyx 12, what on earth are they doing?

    Zyx 12    They're - eur - they're copulating.

    Vax 5     I can't eat them now. It'd be like eating a Quatluvian Shabba in the third Peroxian
              Cycle.

    Zyx 12    A ha ha ha, you kill me, Vax 5, you crazy son of a Barking Shuntboxer. We will just kill
              them and keep them as stuffed ornaments.

              [Mary and Hilary hug in fear - the aliens look quizzically at them]

    Vax 5     What are they doing now?

    Zyx 12    Oh, Vax 5. I think they're in love. It is an emotion I have read about.

    Vax 5     I do not understand.

    Zyx 12    You know when you really, really want to eat something?

    Vax 5     [his stomach rumbles] Yes, I do.

    Zyx 12    Well, that's like love.

    Vax 5     Oh, you mean they want to eat each other? How delightful.

    Zyx 12    Yes. It would be wrong for us to interfere with this hunger. We must return them to
              their natural habitat, where they may consume each other in privacy.

              [Hilary and Mary disappear]

    E. Return to the Lounge.

              [They appear by the wigstand. Hilary is gnawing on Mary's forearm]

    Mary      What are you doing?

    Hilary    Eh? I thought I was... oh. Sorry. [puts down her arm]

    Mary      And look! The extra wig has gone!

              [Killian turns off the television]

    Killian   So, what have you two been up to?

              [Mary and Hilary look at each other]

    Both      Boh, nothing!

              [pause]

    Killian   Well make my dinner then.

Ummm. Okay.... There's another one of these, in which Killian and Jools become revered as opposing Gods of some Asian ladies. All this and more in ... Lord of the High Rise.