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# Evil's Kitchen

#### Even Satan has to eat... although records on this matter are sketchy at best

Mmm... it's hard to plunder, rape and generally be jolly genocidal with an empty tummy! And lightly whipped mousse and delicate Filo pastries are hardly fitting with the image of an insane misanthrope such as yourself, now! Are they? Now, are they? No, they are not!

So, let's say you've had a hard day scything down pensioners in the boutique. You've got your corpses all lined up. You had thought about jacking their withered tits up to a car battery and watching their skin discolour, but the smell of burning flesh always makes you hungry. Ping!

Following are a few recipes for feeding from your victim's corpses. May they enhance your enjoyment of following the true, evil, path. The path of Brush. Basil Brush. Basil.

### Foreskin Torte

#### Ideal for Garden Parties and Abbatoir Warmings

Ingredients (Serves 2)
6 Foreskins, any colour
1/2 Cup Pubic Hair (preferably matted)
Ground Cinnamon

1. Leave the foreskins to steep overnight in a warm, wet place. Either a rainforest or your arsehole will do nicely.
2. Blank the cinnamon. Pretend not to notice it, and deny all knowledge of there even having been any cinnamon anywhere.
3. Do an elaborate double take and say "Good Lord, cinnamon!"
4. Laugh loudly, saying "Christ, it was there in front of me all along. I must look a proper 'nana!" This will be more effective if there is someone else in the kitchen.
5. Set fire to the pubic hair.
6. Snort the hair. Faint.
7. Get burned to death in a Foreskin Torte Related Tragedy.

### The Plugged Navel

#### For Those Who Like Their Navels Plugged

Ingredients
Fifteen Navels
Fifteen Nipples (for plugging the navels)
The Bible On Which Myra Hindley Swore Her Oath At Trial

1. Read The Bible.
2. Please the nipples with a gift. Perhaps they would like a bon-bon.
3. Brutally, and I stress brutally, take the sweeties back and maul the nipples with the dreaded Double Twist. (Also known as the "Nipple Gripple", or in more severe cases, the "Purple Durple")
4. Place the freshly shelled nipples into the navels, thusly plugging them.
5. Slam the Bible a few times as though you are angry. This should startle the nipples to erectness.
6. Et voilà! Fifteen ready to eat nipple snacks. Add cheese to taste.

### Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes, Knees and Toes

Ingredients
Head
Shoulders
2 x Knees
2 x Toes
A Ford Capri, Registration JNU 281 V
One Can of Top Deck Shandy
One Duck (to be stunned)

1. You must immediately stun the duck. Tell it a startling fact, such as "the human lung, if stretched out, could cover a tennis court". This could be coupled with a gloat that duck lungs could never do this. The duck should become stunned. You should keep an eye on the duck throughout this recipe - if it shows any sign of coming round, tell it that a human jumping the proportionate height of a flea's jump could clear the Empire State Building. And blow kisses - ducks are notorious prudes and are stunned by lewd suggestivity. Remember - a duck can never be too stunned.
2. Add the head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes into a large saucepan.
3. Did the duck just blink? Or is your mind playing tricks on you?
4. Relax - think about how to cross over the worlds of "Star Wars" and cheese. Here are some starters....

- Return of the Cheddar
- Obi-Wan Kenobrie
- Boba Fetta
and of course....
- Princess Dairyleia.

5. Is that the water pipes, or a low, moaning quack?
6. Seperate the knees and toes, knees and toes, from the head and shoulders. Leave them to drain on a sponge shaped like a dinosaur.
7. The duck - it's gone! Chase it in the Ford Capri, drinking the Top Deck Shandy. But drive very slowly, because ducks can't run.
8. It's a trap, I'm afraid. Your cookery days are OVER.

Reluctant thanks to Stephen for "Princess Dairyleia". Reluctant, 'cos I didn't think of it. Bah.