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SUPERSTALKER

Big cocks to letters, then! If my words don't tickle their fancies, then I will have to send them symbols of my undying dedication to their pursuit. And this I shall do, three years to the day after my letter to the owner of the Gladiators went ignored.

However, since my name is now possibly in some stalking register, I will have to change my identity. This is probably true - there is a register that lists people that celebrities should not write back to with such mundane sentiments as "we love all our fans" in case I take it personally, think they mean me in particular, wank into their letter then send it back to them. I say this is probably true because it probably isn't.

So, my new identity!

Name | Mandy Tables
Age | 12
Lives | In the same house as me. I am her cruel uncle.
Likes | Lolly, Lollies, bulging lallies, Lily Savage singing lullabies.
Dislikes | Being coerced into saying "Peggy Babcock Babcock Peggy" three times by me, especially as I laugh at her so much when she can't.
Dying Of | Leukaemia

In choosing my celebrities, I was careful not to choose Sean Bean or Rowan Atkinson. The reason for this being that if I did succumb to the inevitable Beanstalk joke, I would not be able to fit enough exclamation marks into my 50mb of webspace.

WHAT I SENT | WHO TO | NIBBLES?
|  | the man who puts the "H" into wHolesome pop cunni-joy cannot refuse poor Mandy... surely?
A page out of my imaginary diary | H from Steps (For popsy fun, go to popfest3000) |
|  | and given this shitter's track record, not holding my breath
A pair of quite unpleasant knickers | Hunter who is going bald |
|  | Good old Nick Cave - will he take time out from being a murderous old bore to help sweet Mandy?
A fearsome tiger-baby toy | Nick Cave |
|  | Reliable yet moody - will Bernard come up trumps for tainted blood transfusion HIV+ Mandy?
A Bernard Butler single | Bernard Butler |