The M’lud Life : Episode Four

Cross Purposes

The Logical Conclusion

INT : LOUNGE : Human Gravy Dream One

It is internal twilight in THE lounge. A slightly out of tune piano plays to itself. Hilary looks to the kitchen. Eerie lighting. Hilary walks to the door, peeks around the crack, and sees a woman preparing dinner, humming to herself in a warped child’s voice (Elm Street-sy). Hilary runs back and sits at the table. The door OPENS VIOLENTLY WITHOUT THE WOMAN TOUCHING IT; SHE holds a tray of food, and presents it to Hilary.

Woman

It’s beef for breakfast, and I’m the gravy.

AS SHE LEAPS ONTO THE PLATE, Hilary wakes up, sweatING. He wakes Killian, who lies next to him.

Hilary

Killian, I had the human gravy dream again. What does it mean?

Killian wakes up, sweating

Killian

Oh, shit. I had the sleeping with Hilary dream again. What does it mean?

Narrator

This episode is the second part of a two-part episode. I want to tell you what happened last week, but I’m shy. But if you ask me, nicely mind, I might just tell you. [deep breath] The local Christian Union tricked Killian with the use of fake promotion to a mythical town of the past. The others, motivated by selfish and unrelated purpose, followed him. There they killed a creature which represented everyone’s fears, and in doing so removed a curse on the Winter’s family name. However, the Christians used this time to good effectTheirs is a ruthless regime of delicately prepared cuisine, and the judges now live underground in a network of caves and sewers, plotting their return. Will they deliver the goods? Or will the traffic lights be against them? Tonight, we find out, as our frisky pals battle it out in a titanic clash of Gavels and Crucifii. [caption]

INT : Judge’s Lounge.

Keith walks around, dusting. A woman, Susan is in the kitchen, cooking. Two others, wearing “Bobo” and “Bubba” T-shirts, like Batvillain thugs, sit watching TV.

Keith

Susan, darling. I want you to come in here a moment and look at me. Aren’t I great?

Susan

I’ll have to slip in my biggest eyes.

Keith

I love you very much.

Susan

And I love you very much as well. [she doubles over in pain] Oh! Ow!

Keith

What is it?

Susan

[agonised] My heart ... it’s rejoicing... I think…

Keith

Excellent. Some music will help you. Bobo, Bubba, help this woman rejoice.

BOBA SLIPS IN WEAK METAL Bon Jovi music as Susan grasps herself and tumbles - the words go a wee bit like this

CHRISTIAN METAL SONG

I like cookies, and I like milk,
I like the feel of fresh white silk,
I like peas and I like their pods,
And most of all, I like God
And his book, The Bible.

The music ends with a needle zipping - darker music starts up - Susan has clawed herself to her feet, and is recovering

Keith

Enough revelry. Our plan has come to fruition. It is time to put the final stage into action. Susan, has your heart finished rejoicing?

Susan

Just... yes...

Keith

Have you prepared the invites?

Susan

Yes… there.

Keith

They’re a bit wet, Susan.

Susan

The.. table’s leaking.

Keith

Oh. [pause] The table’s leaking upwards?

Susan

Yes. It’s… a miracle.

Keith

Oh. [brightens up] Brilliant! They’ll dry out in the post if you poke little holes in the envelopes. Boys, have you got the name tags?

Bobo

Bubba ate some of them. They said “food” on, and he thought that meant they were food.

Bubba

I got a paper cut on my tooth.

Keith

Not to worry. We have the electoral roll, we’ll just go through it again. We’ll do it for Jesus.

Susan

What are you planning, Darren?

Keith

[mildly] That’s Keith. The Darren I used to be is long dead. FYI, Susan, we’re inviting the whole town of Ludlow into our flat, which used to be the judges’ flat, for dinner.

Susan

Tchoch. And I suppose I’ll be doing the cooking.

Keith

You know I look gay in a pinny, Susan.

Susan

Hmmph.

Keith

Very well. And whilst you work, I will continue explaining my plan to Bobo and Bubba.

Bobo and Bubba are playing Scissor Paper Stone, ignoring Keith

What the people do not know, is that in their food will be the secret ingredient. [he looks around for attention, and gets none. This is not played for long at all.] Susan, can you come back in here a minute? I’m being terribly dramatic. [she pokes her head around the door]

Susan

This won’t take long, will it? [rolling her eyes] Mushrooms don’t stuff themselves, you know.

Keith

[as though Susan is clearly stupid] Yes, they do. And I’m just asking for a minute.

Susan

Get on with it, then.

Keith

What they don’t know is that they’ll be eating the special ingredient. [zoom in] They’ll be eating our love.

Susan

What, you mean like in Indian restaurants, when they... [making a vague wank gesture] you know... into the Dansak?

Keith

[still zoomed in] No. [zoom out] And of course, we’ll have spiked the chicken with a generous amount of LSD. And none of the modern acid, we’ve got the stuff they made in the 60s. The stuff that turned colours into sound.

pause

Susan

Well, I don’t know if I approve of that.

Keith

Once they are full of our joyous love, and acid, in their uncoordinated stupor, they will cling like brain limpets to a reassuring faith. I will become the new Charles Manson without the murder. First, a cryptic and teasing riddle to our eternal foes, the Judges.

INt : udnerground Judgecave.

The Judgecave is laid out like a very cheap Batcave. it’s got a flashing machine in it anyway, and looks vaguely underground

Killian

It’s been a while since the judges of Ludlow were forced down here.

Hilary

Five years. It was 1995, when the evil Dr. Embargo hatched a super-race of cyborg dinosaurs, or cybosaurs.

flashback - exactly the same, but Mary is not there - the ground above shakes, and dust falls

Hilary

What’s the plan, Shit 25?

shit 25

Plan?

Hilary

Plan.

Shit 25

We’re going to sit here until someone kills those cybosaurs. And I sick of being called Shit 25. I’m going to change my name to Killian.

return - Mary is fiddling with the machinery - Killian slaps her hand

Killian

Ba - ba. Curious fingers killed the cat.

Mary

Hang on, that’s not right.

Killian

[pause] Yes it is. You shouldn’t finger cats.

Mary

Say, finger them in an identity parade?

Killian

If you like. I meant up their arse, though.

Mary

Would that kill a cat?

Killian

[cheering up] Well, there’s only one way to find out!

time passes animation - a cat sits in a vice with the telescopic arm from Episode 2’s “test of faith” about to poke it up the arse

Mary

Aren’t we digressing slightly?

Killian

Well, perhaps. [begrudgingly releases cat. whispers in its ear] Next time, Tiddles, I’ll get you next time.

Mary

Where are we?

Hilary

It’s a secret judges’ place where we go in times of social trauma.

Killian

No-one knows about it. The illegal immigrants who built it had their tongues cut out and their shins kicked into their backs.

a postman trots in

Postman

Telegram for Redgrave.

Killian

That’s me.

Postman

[he hands him the telegram] You’ll have to sign for it.

Killian

Have you got a pen?

Postman

[he hands him the telegram and a pen] Here you go.

Killian

Hmm, purple. You don’t see many purple pens about.

Postman

It’s my daughter’s. They don’t let her use it at school, her teacher said it wasn’t a healthy form of self-expression. So I bought it off her for 50 pence.

Killian

[signs and taps the pen on the pad] There you go. This pen seems worth a good couple of pounds, though.

Postman

[deadly serious, taking pad and handing Killian the telegram] She’d used some of the ink. It’s a used pen. Bitch’s gotta learn. Here’s your telegram.

Killian

Thanks. Bye now!

Postman

Bye! [winks and leaves]

Hilary and Mary look to Killian, and then to the exiting postman. Mary looks at Hilary, and Hilary shrugs. Meanwhile, Killian has opened the telegram

Killian

It’s from those infernal Christians. Damn their diabolical sodomy holes to hell.

Mary

What does it say?

Killian

I don’t know. They’ve INFURIATINGLY written it upside down.

Hilary

[thumping his palm] Holy monkfish twatspunk!

[pause - Hilary looks embarrassed] Sorry. I always go like that down here.

Killian

[he tries to twist his head around] It’s no good. I can’t stretch... far... enough... around. Hilary - get my anti-gravity boots.

fade out and in. Killian is suspended from a bar by his boots - his arms are crossed over to keep the paper objectively upside-down

Mary

What does it say?

Killian

It’s a riddle! “Why were the Frenchmen angry?”

Hilary

Steamed puddings! Frenchmen!

Killian

There’s a hidden clue here.

Mary

Frenchmen... frogs.

Killian

What do frog’s legs taste like?

Hilary

Floating Bob Todds! Chicken!

Killian

But that’s not all. Angry - or cross – the crucifix. This is the work of the Christian Union.

Mary

They’re planning to feed everyone is Ludlow chicken.

Hilary

The fiends!

Mary

But - they’re hiding something from us.

Killian

What?

Mary

They’ve avoided using certain letters. Look here. There’s no S in “Angry”. And there’s no L in “Frenchmen”. And if you look very closely, you’ll see there’s no D in “The”. Especially not between the “T” and “H”. Look, there. Rearrange those missing letters, and you get “SDL”. Which is an anagram of DSL.

Killian

They’re going to drug an entire town, with diesel!

Mary

Not so fast.... read DSL backwards, or upsidedown, like they sent the letter, and you get....

Killian

My God... LSD. The head drug of choice.

Hilary

Scampering Naked Jewboys!

Mary

You do come out with a lot of shit, Hilary.

Hilary

I can’t help it. Well I’m sure I’m sorry. Look, can I put on my judge’s cape? I’d feel more comfortable in a cape, at the minute.

Killian

Hmm. I kind of know what you mean. To the Judgewardrobe!

Scene break - a spinning wig spins towards you and spins back to reveal the new scene, with that Batman INCIDENTAL. Hilary and Killian are now wearing full judicial garb

Killian

Yes, that’s better.

Hilary

[primping himself] Oh, yes. This is much better. Oh, Killian, your wig’s slightly off.

Killian

[Russell Granty] And your sash isn’t flattering your peachy hips.

they faff camply with each other. Mary coughs. They look sheepishly from their fussing

Mary

You are disgusting.

the two look CAMPLY AT MARY, AS IF TO SAY “ooooh, SMELL HER”, and continue faffing in a more sheepishly subdued fashion, BUT JUST AS CAMP

Mary

Shall we go?

Killian

Yes! To the...

Mary

Oh, stop it.

INT: The Judge’s Lounge.

In the kitchen, Susan accidentally knocks the acid over the food and a tea towel. She mops it up with the rag, dabs her forehead with it, and takes the food into the lounge

Keith is leafing through the RSVP’s

Susan

I’ve brought in some little sausages.

Keith

Susan, I’d say you were an angel, but God might strike me down for lying. Excellent. They’ve all accepted our gracious invite. Except one Peter Kane. [now show Peter Kane, standing behind the counter] He works in the 24 hour Spar on Sundays. He sends his deepest apologies.

FADE OUT : FADE IN

INT. SPAR.

We enter the shop on Peter’s first day. He is being briefed by his boss

Boss

So, Peter, here’s your name badge. We use barcodes here. We do. We really, really, do. We have a lot of trouble with shoplifters, drunks, and gangs, but I’ve got faith in you, you’ve got laughing eyes. [quickly, not wanting to be heard] And of course you already know about Boxhead. [starts to run to the door]

Peter

Yes.. no, did you just say Boxhead? What’s Boxhead?

Boss

[stopping] Oh. 25 years ago, a child fell down our delivery chute, and his head became lodged in a box of vitamin pills and Peperamis. Feeding on the contents, he grew to full adulthood, and still lives in the shop.

Peter

Right.

Boss

[cheerfully] Well, I’m off to the bank. I’m making my presence felt with the lady cashiers.

Peter

[nervously] Erm... don’t be long.

Boss

Too late. I’ve already been gone for two hours.

he fades away, with “two hours” echoing

Peter looks nervously around. He looks outside, and behind him Boxhead rises from between aisles. The current face is threatening. Back to the Christian lounge

FADE OUT AND IN

INT : JUDGE’S LOUNGE

Bobo

Do you want that we should see to him, boss?

Keith

[eating a little sausage] No, boys. Once the majority have been converted, the mob will kill the unbeliever.

Bubba

Right, boss.

Keith

And then, Killian, I will finally have the advantage. Oh Killian, do you remember the early days? You were always so... popular.

EXT. School Playground.

Sections from this flashback are overlapped with Killian’s flashback, just from different angles. Darren sits on a bench, reading a Famous Five book.

Darren

[to himself] Oh, George, you relentless tomboy. Would that we were older, so our love could find physical expression. As it is, I can only run this book against my hair.

[he does so. The young Killian, Shit 25, takes it off him]

shit 25

Reading something, are we? Reading is for girls. Are you a girl?

Darren

No. I am not a girl, Shit 25.

shit 25

[ignoring his name] Well, answer me this, then. Have you got a penis or a vagina?

Darren

A penis.

shit 25

Oh. Are you sure?

Darren

Yes.

shit 25

Is that your final answer?

darren

Yes – oh, hang on…

shit 25

Yes? Yes?

Darren

No, it’s a penis. I’ve got a penis.

shit 25

[dejected] Pants.

Darren

Leave me alone. I want to read.

Shit 25 takes the book from him

shit 25

Time for Level 2. Are you heterosexual or homosexual?

Darren

Hetero. Give me my book back.

shit 25

Hit him, Booboo. In the kidney. [BooBoo does so] Say you’re a homo. Then we’ll leave you alone. Say “I am a homo and I like other homos”.

Darren

No. It’s not true.

shit 25

Booboo. Do the.. [gestures] punching.

Darren

Alright. But you promise to leave me alone.

shit 25

You have my word.

Darren

I am a homo and I like other homos.

shit 25

Come on, boys, to the printing press!

INT. ClassROOM.

The classroom has a number of “Darren Jeffs - Absolutely Queer” outing posters, with a photo of Darren. The teacher is conducting a normal class

Teacher

[very disinterested] And if you’ve got a remainder at the end, forget about it. No, forget about division altogether. Let’s just stick to Music. Get the glockenspiels out, Jeremy. [the whole class get out glockenspiels and start plinking with them] That’s the spirit. Play with them for half an hour, I’m just going to the staff room to frig over David Hasselhoff.

Darren has his hand up

[wearily] Yes, Darren?

Darren

Can you take down those posters? I don’t like them and I’m not gay.

Teacher

I’d love to, Darren. But in this country we have freedom of political expression. By all means start an opposing campaign of your own, but if you want to suppress the pupil formerly known as Shit 25 with your censorship, then you’re worse than Hitler.

Darren

But I’m not gay.

Teacher

Nobody’s saying you are.

Darren

Can I put up posters saying I’m not gay then?

Teacher

Certainly not. That might appear homophobic.

Darren

[momentarily speechless - glances at the posters] And I can’t take these posters down.

Teacher

No, you can’t. And if you try, I’ll hit you so hard you’ll die, gay boy.

a journalist walks past the window - he looks in

Hack

I can see the headlines! Gay Schoolchild in School... Shocker. Gay!

whirling newspapers, like this

Gay Schoolboy Is Gay | When Will It End? | Dead Woman “Not Dead” Claim
Gay Child Attends School | Burn Them All | Zombie Fears for Middle Aged Corpse

INT. judge’s Lounge.

generally, in the lounge, the atmosphere is getting a little distant and confused. they try to get their messages across, but just aren’t managing it that well

Keith

My name became an insult in itself. Other Darrens were beaten up because of me. So I changed my name to Keith, and devoted my life to Bod. I mean God. [the correction was not apologetic - it was evangelically emphatic] Susan! Who

Susan

[handing a plate to Keith] Here’s the meal we’ll be having. I want it to be just right for our guests. Were you saying something? I really wasn’t listening to you.

Keith

Never mind. [he hold up the half-empty acid bottle] Put this into the cream. We want everything to be just so.

Susan

Just so what?

Keith

[frowning, concentrating] Just just so. Just right.

Susan

Right. [she waves her hand in front of her face slowly - trailers]

INT. The Judgecave.

Killian and Hilary are bounding around in the background - doing flying kicks badly and the like. Mary remains in the foreground, looking distastefully at them

Mary

Oh, please. This is abominable. It looks like it’s down to me to save Ludlow City. I’ll just use this gaily coloured telephone, which no doubt leads to a high ranking city official.

she picks up the receiver - a husky woman speaks very sexily

Woman

Helllooo.

Mary

Hello?

Man

Calls charged at 49 pence a minute. Let’s join the action.

Mary

Can you put me through to... say.... a commissioner?

Woman

There’s a party in my brazier!

Mary hangs up

Mary

Right! I’m phoning the ombudsman!

She picks up the phone again

Woman

And everyone’s invited!

hangs up again

Mary

Boh. Perhaps if I just press all the buttons on this machine. This machine which I don’t really understand.

she presses a button - it whirrs, pops, and rocks, flashes - a card pops out

Mary

[reading] You have been found not guilty.

Killian

[appearing suddenly next to her] That’s an Autojudge. We built it in anticipation of a nightmarish science fiction future, gone mad.

Hilary

[as suddenly on the other side] Judgements are arbitrary and punishments severe. And we all have barcodes on our willies.

Mary

Even the....?

Killian

Yes, even the women.

Hilary

And only a sassy cop with two weeks to retirement can save their past....

Killian

Which is our present.

pause

Hilary

You’re not really making an effort to get into this, are you? Put this on.

he places a clip-on tail onto her dress

Mary

Oh, pleaase. Mind, it is quite .... slinky. [she purrs like any of the four Catwomen]

INT. judge’s Lounge.

Keith

And once the town of Ludlow is under our control, we will move onto Stevenage. Susan, let the first guests in!

the lift dings, and two women and two men enter

Keith

Welcome! If you’ll just take a seat, I’ll be with you in a moment.

One

You’re with us now.

Keith

[looking at his watch] And I’m still with you now, a moment later. It was more of a promise than a rendez-vous.

Two

Can I use the bathroom? I presume Christians do wee-wee.

Susan

Yes, we do wee.

Keith

Do we?

Susan

Yes. [to the guest] It’s through that door.

Two

What, this one?

Two opens a hitherto unused door. Behind it is a howling abyss, pitch black. A bird flies out of it, and Two manages to slam the door shut before she is sucked in]

Two

What an enormous toilet! You must be very proud.

Keith

[slowly] That’s not the toilet. That appears to be a chasm. [zoom in] Or Abyss.

Susan

I didn’t know that was there.

Keith

No, neither did I.

Susan

It’s strange that we should have an Abyss in our house.

Keith

Hmm.

EXT. outside the Opera House.

Killian

Well, there’s only one way in or out of our flat. The elevator.

Hilary

And we’ve been jinxed by our own security measures. The irony.

Killian

You’re right. We were one step ahead of ourselves, and we stepped on our own shoes.

Hilary

Well, there is one other way.

Killian

Yes, you’re right. The Abyss.

Mary

Hang on, I’ve never heard about the Abyss. How could I not know about the Abyss?

Killian

We don’t like to talk about it.

Mary

But I think that as a matter of safety, if there’s a howling great Abyss in the house I should know about it.

Hilary

There was an oblique reference to it three weeks ago....

back to Episode 1, Scene 5 - talking to the invading woman

Killian

There is only one way in or out of the flat. The elevator.

Hilary

Well, there is one other way...

Killian

[casting a stern glance] But we don’t talk about that, do we?

Hilary

[chaste] No, Killian. We don’t talk about the Abyss.

Mary

Who was that woman you were talking to?

Killian

Wasn’t that you?

Hilary

I thought that was you.

Mary

No, she had blonde hair. [after a thought] It was a vivid description, wasn’t it?

Killian

Anyway, the Abyss has been there from the beginning, so it obviously wasn’t shoehorned in for convenience. That much is clear.

Mary

I was just saying...

Killian

Anyone would think you were jealous, Mary! Do you fancy me? Crikey, do you? Do you fancy me?

Mary

Not really. But then, I haven’t seen you naked....

fade AS KILLIAN HAS HIS SHIRT OF ¼ SECOND AFTER SHE FINISHED THE SENTENCE

CAPTION : END OF PART ONE

A. Monster Rhapsody

Narrator

I’ve got a little something for you. It’s smaller than a breadbin. It’s embossed with a tiny letter “O”, which might be a simple circle, and not a letter at all. Nobody knows. Its stitching is still quite firm, despite years of loving abuse. It can travel at a fair pace, with the aid of a skateboard and a steep hill. Women use it to keep their tampons in. Men use it as an object of feminine ridicule, taunting each other to hide their own secret desires. Yes, it’s a handbag. Come in. If you think you’re tough enough. you cowardly worm! Come on, you limp dolly bird! You jelly-tot scoffing seamstress! You stinking great fat toppler of public transport! GOD you make me GAG on my own clacker!

Dance Diva howls with bonus rave piano

Diva

Can’t get enough of your loving, no I can’t get enough of your loving...

NARRATOR

[Sweetly] Handbags aren’t for girls when there’s monsters in.

INT. RESTAURANT.

A restaurant. Hilary sits at the table with a woman who has a plastic bag over head, and is suffocating. On it is lipstick and a wig. A dog is engaged in a conversation with a baby. Hilary has ordered a meal.

Baby

They love me more, you know. They think you’re stupid.

Dog

I’m stupid! I’m not the one the nibbles car keys.

BABY

Well you eat horse shit.

DOG

Oh, now that’s not fair.

Baby

When I learn how to talk I’m going to tell them you bit me. Then they’ll kill you.

to the table

Hilary

Waiter! I’ve been here for half an hour. Where’s my plate of gravy?

Waiter

Oh, sir, I do so apologise. Here, you must lick my hand.

Hilary

Why would I lick your hand?

Waiter

On humans, it has exactly the same effect as gravy.

Mary wakes up between Hilary and Killian

Mary

Human gravy?

Hilary wakes up with Killian

Hilary

Oh God, I touched her boob with my elbow...

Killian wakes up alone

Killian

Now I don’t like this at all.

EXT. OUTSIDE A café. Broughton On The Frith.

Jools is playing cards with the Gator from last week and two of the resident mannequins. Jools was left behind

Gator

I love Bridge. This is my favourite game.

Jools

Not snap, then.

Gator

That’s a child’s game.

Jools

Yes. I’d better be going back really. I’ve got to pay the rent.

Gator

Oh, do stay. Your rent can wait. Have another port.

Jools

Perhaps I could squeeze one in...

Gator

[raising an eyebrow] So I’ve heard.

Jools

If you’re being saucy, I might kiss you.

Gator

You’ll spoil me, Jools. You really will.

CAPTION : ACT II : DEATH WEARS HOT PANTS

INT. judge’s Lounge.

Keith hits a glass with a knife. The knife shatters after three taps.

Keith

Welcome, and... well... come. Now, [distracted by the wall] are... any... you?

Susan

Are you any vegetarians?

A woman holds up her hand

Keith

You can lick the sauce off the chicken then.

Woman

No, I’ll be alright. But you’re very kind.

Keith

Susan will sort you out.

Susan

How?

Keith

I don’t know, kill her.

Woman

Pardon?

Keith

Did I say that too loud?

Woman

Well, I heard you.

Keith

Then I said it too loud. My apologies.

Woman

Hmm.

Susan walks in, having never left, stands next to herself

Susan 2

I don’t like these curtains.

Susan

Me either.

EXT. Playground.

Darren is sitting on the same wall, reading the same book. Where Killian speaks, that is he narrating the scene. Shit 25’s vocabulary problems are not mulled over painfully, but said quickly and with vague gestures.]

Killian

Of course, we all have our nemesii. Dr Octopus had the meddling Spiderman, Dr Crippen had the British “Police”, most hardworking doctors have to tolerate some vigilante task force or other. I was not a doctor, but I had Darren Jeffs.

Shit 25

[to his goons] Look at him! He’s looking at books on his own. He’s so ... wordsome. I’m going to make him say that he’s got a vagina. Then words will become his enemy.

Goon 2

[thinkover] Deliciously ironic.

Goon 1

[thinkover] This isn’t going to get violent, is it? I do so abhor violence.

Shit 25

If we have to kick his head-dashboard...

Goon 2

... face ...

Jenny

.. thank you... kick his face in, then we will. I’ll bet he never, [tapering] you know.

Goon 1

Well met, my liege. Very well, regard my body as your pliant exoskeleton.

Goon 2

Really, I’ve never seen such vulgar abdication of autonomy.

Goon 1

Oh, give over.

Jenny

Come, my trusty goons.

they approach

Jenny

Have you got a penis or a vagina?

Darren

[much more snootily than in his own version] You strawberry fool. I, have a penis. [filthy gesture] And right bulbous it is too.

Killian

I couldn’t stand it. My older cousin had only told me what penises and vaginas were the week before - he could he know, and apply words like “bulbous” to them? I was driven wild with frustration, and I lowered myself to the lowest common denominator. The Norfolk Punch.

Shit 25

Boo-Boo, deliver the Norfolk Punch.

Goon 2

Shit 25, the Norfolk Punch is still at the experimental stage. We haven’t finished testing it on Alsatians. God knows how it’ll affect humans. And my name is not Boo-Boo. It’s Brian.

Shit 25

Am I going to have to do it myself?

Goon 2

I don’t like it.

Shit 25

Do it! DOIT! DWIT!

[Goon 2 double punches Darren on either side, under the rib cage. Fade to white]

[in the real world, Keith rubs his sides in the kitchen]

EXT. The Abyss.

[Outside the opera house, Killian is groping around for the secret switch in the wall, and, Hilary and Mary are staring at an old man walking past very slowly]

Killian

[flicking a secret release switch] And we’re... in!

Hilary

Can’t we stay and watch the old man walk?

Mary

It is strangely compelling, isn’t it? Can I kick him?

Killian

This is no time to watch old men walk. Let’s get the plan sorted. We storm in, say something cool, and beat them up.

Hilary

We’ve got to sort out something cool though. Something legal. [he gets distracted by the old man again - he is trying not to look, but can’t help himself]

Killian

Thou shalt quiver before my mighty gavel!

Mary

[carried away, too loud] Resistance is feeee-utile!

Hilary

Resistance is .... ? That’s more of an evil catchphrase, isn’t it? Kind of Nazi, or Borg.

Mary

Is it? What about this then? Resistance is futile…. But I like it!

Killian

That’s better. Camp people can never be evil, despite what the Americans say.

Killian has been opening gates and now entrance is granted to the Abyss

Killian

Come in, quickly. There’s a cursewind due in about a minute.

Mary

Cursewind?

Hilary

The cursewinds give us free passage.

Mary

Ah, but at what cost?

Hilary

[pause] No cost. That’s what free means.

Mary

Oh. Then why are they called the cursewinds?

Killian

Well, I suppose objectively they aren’t called the cursewinds. We call them cursewinds, because they smell like hot wet dogs.

an updraught starts

Killian

Hold your capes above your heads!

Killian and Hilary do - Mary has a Poppins umbrella - they take off

Mary

Christ on a jamrag, that smells....

Hilary

Like hot wet dogs. Told you.

INT. Judge’s Lounge.

Susan and Keith sit quietly. They are staring around. Darting eyeballs. They are quite off it by now, their dinner guests sit around chatting amiably

Keith

They’re close by. I can feel it in my trousers. [very close up of him stroking his trousers, then his lips] Mmm. Trousers.

Susan

I can smell Magpies. Have you got Magpies? They’re in your turn-ups, tiny magpies.

Keith

Count them! Quickly! Count them!

Susan

But they’re so small.... so tiny.... and so naked...

Keith

How many are there, quickly!

Susan

[lying on her stomach at Keith’s feet] One, for sorrow.

Both

Hello, Lord Magpie, how is your wife?

Keith

No! Wait! There’s two, for joy!

Both

Smashing!

the judges explode from the Abyss, they land in formation

Mary

[pointing severely] Three for a girl,

Hilary

Four for a boy,

Killian

[landing at the head of the formation] And five for... another boy.

Keith

[cheerfully finding the plot] Oh, that’s right! We conquered you last week! And now, all your subjects belong to us! [he gestures to them]

Hilary

What subjects? [the room is empty]

Keith

These subjects! [the guests are back] Are you blind, or just not seeing things, unhallucinating, as it were? [he touches a guest - she pops] Wait a minute, this isn’t a real woman! [holding up a palmful of green goo] And these are definitely not Magpies. Susan, did you...?

Susan

Probably. [zoom into her pupils, and some neat computer effects to Scooby Doo beach music - this lasts three seconds] I want something fizzy, my tongue’s dead.

The judges look at each other. Killian shrugs

Keith

Right then. We’ll get you a drink.

Susan

It needn’t be a drink. Space Dust or Fizzy Chewits would do.

Keith

Let’s go to the shop.

pause

Susan

I still need something fizzy.

Keith

Let’s go to the shop.

they trot over to the Abyss

Hilary

Stop them! They’re ambling away!

Killian

No, let them meander.

Hilary

But they stole our flat! [suspiciously] You’re not forgiving them are you?

Killian

[putting his arm around Hilary] To show mercy to your enemy is to draw them one step closer to your heart. We should lavish generosity on those we hate. Was it not a wise man, who once said “I beat my wife because I love her”?

Hilary

Oh. Really?

Killian

Well, no. Actually, they’ve just walked into the Abyss. the fall will kill them for sure.

Both

Hurrah!

Mary

Did we win then?

Killian

Yes, Mary, we did indeed win, yes, we did.

fade

INT. HOSPITAL WARD.

Scene by a bed. A child coughs and generally looks ill. His parents sit by him. A presenter walks in, and wipes a tear from her eye

Presenter

Timmy will die. We know that. [secretively] The parents, however, do not. [lively] Starting with this very revelation, we will start a six part serialisation of the grieving process. [sensational] But we’ll add erotic dancers! We’ll take you through anger!

Argument in the kitchen

Father

If you’d just kept an eye on him! He’d still be here!

Two topless male dancers appear from thin air and start vogueing

Presenter

Denial!

the mother brings some toast into an empty bedroom

Mother

Breakfast, Timmy.... oh.

A line of can-can dancers troupe past the corridor behind

The current screen becomes the TV in the judge’s lounge. Smoke appears behind them, and a man appears. He is the Mystery Butcher, and today he is their landlord

Landlord

Rock a doodle doo, and good afternoon.

All

The Mystery Butcher!

Mary

Who are you today, Mystery Butcher?

Hilary

Yes, and how are you going to try and capture our souls?

Landlord

I will tell you, my smellies. I am your landlord.

Killian

Well, that’s alright. Being so very rich, we never have to argue with landlords.

Landlord

We will see. Can I have your rent .... now!

hilary and Killian produce a large wad immediately. Mary flounders

Landlord

[taking the two wads and instantly upon Mary] I said now. I said now then, and I expected you to comply then, which was now when I said now. I will not say now again, let alone tolerate further pressing of my paper thin patience.

Mary

I don’t know, but.... what’s going on? I don’t think this is very fair.

Landlord approaches, Killian and Hilary look excitedly at each other

Landlord

You have floundered too long, and carped too hard.

Mary

I’m developing a tench nervous haddock. Here. I’ve only got four hundred pounds at the minute. [she produces a wad]

Landlord

Curses! Now, where is Lord Porter?

pause

Landlord

NOW, where is Lord Porter?

Hilary

Do you know, I haven’t got a clue?

Killian

Hmmm...

Mary

Where did we last see him? Retrace your footsteps. It’ll be in the last place we look, you can be sure of that. Tch! [pause] What have we lost again?

Landlord

I would direct you to your contract. Unless I receive payment from Lord Porter within one week, you will all be legally my property, forced to produce children for work in my underground lava mine.

Mary

Hey, it’s all go.

Killian

We must therefore find Jools.

Hilary

Let’s go!

Landlord

And I will keep the... lovely... Mary Highpole here as assurance of your return.

Killian

Yes, yes. You can keep her.

Killian and Hilary jump to their feet, hold their noses, blow, and disappear

Narrator

Frig! With the judges spread so thinly, is there any hope for justice in Ludlow? What we need is a hero. I’m going out with a girl called Joanne. Much as I love her, although I never tell her that in case she loses respect for me, she is not a hero. I’m thinking more of a ... well, a man, with enormous rippling eyes and dewy blue arms. [show a child’s drawing of such a man] Now that’s a hero. Tune in next week, to a Lord Jools Porter SPECIAL!

EXT. Outside Broughton. Goodbye.

they hug

Aligator

Are you sure you have to leave now?

Jools

Well, yes.

Aligator

You’re right, of course. You are of the outside. You know, if I were human, and female, I think I’d love you. But, I am not. And still, a goodbye kiss I would value above all else.

Jools

Well, just a peck.

they peck, then start passionately snogging, rubbing their hands over each others backs. Suddenly, Jools pulls away

Aligator

You kiss like a bitch.

Jools chucks his cheek and walks away

INT. SPAR.

credits run

Boxhead is trying to help the Christians get what they want]

Susan

You do all the talking.

Keith

[to Boxhead] Excuse me, can you help us please? We’re looking for something fizzy. It’s for my wife.

Boxhead

[rustles around inside his head, pulls out a Peperami, and offers it to them]

Keith

Susan? Is this what you want? Susan? Are Peperamis fizzy?

Susan

Over here! I’ve found something.

Keith

I’ll be back in a jiffy. You wait here and I’ll report back.

Boxhead’s face looks confused

Susan

[lying down, looking under the display] There’s more stuff here. I want to see it.

Keith

Excuse me. My wife wishes to look under the display.

Boxhead’s head is back to happy again, perhaps apprehensively so. He tentatively offers them both a Peperami

Keith

Do you want one of these?

Susan

[ferreting with one arm under the display] I... I’ve got something!

Keith

What is it?

Susan

It feels like a Boost - no, I’m wrong. It feels nothing like a Boost.

Keith

Sir, is that a Boost? My wife would like to know if that is a Boost.

Susan

I know - put a Boost in this hand, and I will compare them. [they do so] No, that is definitely not a Boost.

Boxhead eats a Peperami

Keith

Do you want one of these?

Susan

Whatever it is, it appears to be stuck between ... two ... Bountys.

Keith

[to Boxhead] You appear to communicate entirely through the medium of Peperami.

the camera has moved to the counter. Peter Kane, the shop assistant, lies on the floor. His mouth is stuffed full of Peperami, and he is quite dead.

Caption

It should be stressed that if the jar was full of pure LSD, Keith and Susan would have consumed many thousands of times the dosage required for a simple “trip”. Kids - do not drink acid that you have prepared yourself. Buy it from an adult.

For about five seconds, the old man is still walking past the Opera House Show him to some outrageously upbeat music