| GETTING INTO HEAVEN Fig 1. Atheism Atheists are even worse than people who believe in other Gods. Their insufferable arrogance allows them to indulge in sex, and Chunky Kit-Kats, without the fear of divine retribution for promiscuity or gluttony. God, in his wisdom, invented crabs and being really fat to punish this scum in ways that they might understand. Fig 2. Christianity Jesus, the key to your redemption, slips neatly into your life, without discomfort. If installed correctly, you won't even know he's there. And he keeps working around the clock. Because you're worth it. Fig 3. What Happens When A Christian Dies When a Christian dies, they go into Heaven. That's the whole point, really. No-one else can get into Heaven, as that would be unfair on all the Christians who have behaved themselves for their whole lives, and who would feel pretty fucking stupid if they saw a prostitute in Heaven, even if she was just doing it to pay for the medicine for her Spina Bifida baby.
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