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| ZAINAM'S SCHOOL OF ACTING based on the "6 Emotions Of The Red Setter" Far Side cartoon by Gary Larson

I have had to learn all about human emotions in order to pretend I am having them for TV cameras, which is called acting. I have also found that knowing all about human emotions allows you to manipulate people into doing what you want them to. For instance, if someone fancies you, you can say "ooh, there's no toilet roll, can I use your T-shirt? I'd be so grateful, I'd do anything if you just let me use your T-shirt to wipe my arse on" and they'll say yeah and then you can run off and tell everyone that they've got shit all over their T-Shirt because they are poor and not famous, and they'll just stand there and take it because they fancy you, and they're probably even happy that they've got your shit on their arm and they'll sniff it as they toss off into a shoebox.

Here are the emotions I have learned, and what face I pull to express that emotion. Can you guess the joke yet?

| ANGER To get angry, I have to imagine that someone has taken away everything that I own and replaced it all with copies made out of Lego. This makes my jaw drop open like a snake, and I have been known to eat a whole pig then fall asleep for three days!
| INEBRIATION Yeah, like everyone else, I like a drink, and yeah, like everyone else, I sometimes go a little bit too far. This photo was taken after I drank a 1.5 litre bottle of Martini Bianco, and I am going to be sick all over my T-shirt, before trying to get in a taxi and go home, where I will sleep on the rockery.
| FAKE MIRTH I laugh at many things - including the craziness of my sisters, Joyce and Zainam! However, this is the face I pull when someone insults me - it says "I haven't got the wits to insult you back, but I will silence you with my brainless mockery." Never fails!
| SURPRISE In order to feign surprise, I imagine a big door in an old haunted house, imagine that I am opening the door, and then, I open a dictionary at a random page and imagine that I found the first word that I see behind the door. Here, I found a restaurant behind the door. Don't I look surprised to find it?
| HUNGER When I get really hungry, and I've got some food in front of me, I know that if I'm gonna get that food in my face, I'm gonna have to open my mouth. Here, I have seen an enormous multi-layered sandwich a la Scooby Doo, and I am going to eat it from the top down without even chewing.
| "WOCHOO TALKIN BOUT WILLIS?" This is a classic pose, and one that anyone can do. It is caused by the arrival of unwelcome news, or an unfair accusation. Say, remember when Mr Drummond got cancer? Willis said "Mr D's got the Big C", and Arnold said .... "wochoo talking bout Willis?" Classic!
| SHOCK "Zainam! Yo' hairdryer's spitting out fi-yah!" This is the face I used in episode two, where Zainam's hairdryer spat out fire into her favourite dreadlock, and nearly burned it off, with only six minutes to our concert in the Hollywood Bowl! Luckily the doctor fixed it with egg whites and sellotape, and we knocked 'em dead!
| SEDUCTION Sometimes when I've been on tour for weeks, I get hungry for those things that a woman gets hungry for - you know what I mean, stop looking out of the window. I drop my jaw real low, to let the guys rate my capacity, and then I turn around, and slide my hand into my back pocket, draw out a stick of chewing gum, and let rip with a fanny fart. Usually does the trick.
| PROFESSIONALISM This is the face I pull if a photographer is making me jump around all day and I just want to lie down or have some food. This is me thinking how much I just want to die, living as a lucid puppet whose genuine screams are mistaken for enthusiastic exuberance. |  | Come again soon and I'll show you another few emotions! (Empty promise. Remember the third rule of disappointment.com; "come again soon" shall not be construed as a moral obligation to update the page, ever.)