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Jesus Lives, Jesus Lives,
Jesus Lives In You And Me,
But Only Metaphysically

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# The Christian Page

Welcome to the page that caters for all things Godly. Before we start, a special "shout", to use the pirate radio vernacular, must "go out" to the following champions of our Forgiving God.

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1. Doctor Pat Roach : Whose sterling work in the animal kingdom let to the reconciliation of penguins and polar bears, who have agreed to stop bugging each other and live on seperate poles.
2. Tim Healy PI : Whose intrepid Meals On Wheels service finally provided an old woman with the 150 paper plates she needed to make that wedding dress for her daughter.
3. Lord Timothy Spall : Whose counselling work in the farmyard ensured that Jeremy the duck, brought up by an overaffectionate dog, could fully come to terms with his "duckness", and not cock her leg to go wees. (Having only two legs, of course, her little wings were getting scuffed ...)

Not forgetting those of us who follow the Vengeful God of the Old Testament, of course!

1. Reverend Kevin Whately : Whose timely prayers and well-aimed molatovs did bring about a new meaning to the term "flaming homosexual".
2. Gary Holton JP : Whose pick-up truck was so filled with abortionists upon his return from the city that the people of his village ate well for a week.
3. Duke Christopher Fairbank : Whose generous contributions did allow the building of a wicker man.

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I'm your host, Jimmy Nail, and I'm going to drag you through what's hot, and what's not, in the world and beyond of today's Christian.

## Headlines

### Let My People Go-Go

A group of young Baptists found doing the "Twist" in an abandoned Parcelforce factory were sacrificed to Lord Jesus this weekend. Shocking variants on this new dance craze were found to be "The Dive", "The Mashed Potato", and "The Frug". "The Rainbow Kiss", which is something to do with periods, sounds very traditional and should be encouraged..

### Pre-Emptive Holiday Confessions For Catholics

Catholics going on holiday can now confess any sins they think they may commit whilst away, thus saving any residual guilt build-up from ruining their vacation. A list of common holiday sins, including

- Looking at the exposed legs of another
- Thinking about looking at the exposed legs of another
- Exposing the legs of another with the clear risk of looking
- Wanking into the face of a foreign whore with the clear and present danger of seeing her legs

are on the score card, and any imbalance of predicted and actual sinning will be added to the Catholic's account upon their return.

### God To Do Charity Work

By way of apology for giving the world cancer, God has agreed to help out on the search for a cure. After weeks of negotiations, He has agreed to remove the stigma from buying items from Cancer Research shops. Although it was hoped to persuade God to provide a full cure, our mortal representative commented

> "We went into these negotiations knowing full well that He moves in mysterious ways. He did explain why he'd given us cancer in the first place, though. It was actually quite funny."

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### Knowing The Hellbound

Given that our religion is the best, it must follow that everyone else is just wasting their time. These fools are to be pitied, at first. If, however, they do not succumb to the temptation of eternal life, they must be killed without mercy or regret. Why, you say? Just look at what they get up to!

Pagans
  Indulge in pre-marital pubic shaving and spanking, light SM and the wearing of fantasy clothing, such as wigs
Jews
  Wipe their bottoms with their hands, as opposed to the lightly coloured quilted tissues prescribed in the Vatican / Andrex pact of 1996.
Buddhists
  Part of the Buddhist doctrine is to write naughty letters to strangers, and eat their own young, like stick insects. Unlike stick insects, however, Buddhists weigh over EIGHT STONES!
Taoists
  Gain sexual gratification from watching young ladies on bicycles. This pleasure is heightened by shooting them off with an air rifle, as though they were tin ducks. They masturbate often and furiously
Moslems
  Ahem... not so bad, really. Especially the fundamentalist ones.
Sikhs
  Conceal their "Mars Attacks" heads with the use of bandages
Scientologists
  Parp their car horns after 11pm, contrary to noise abatement by-laws.
Athiests
  Do all of the above, with inscrutable grins.

The Time Is Nigh!
And I'm rolling on,
I'm going to be your number one....
Nummmmber onnnnne....

The "Jesus Lives" song was composed and arranged by Robert Andrews, who is very tall and looks good in the clothes he chooses to wear. Sadly, Robert is not a Christian and shall burn.
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