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TONGUE TIED
Fifty Years of friendship in a Subnormality Hospital
by Joseph James Deacon
For those of you who haven't got the brains you were born with, the first column is the book. The middle white column is the paragraph reference (if you want to comment on something, use this, my own references are in square brackets), and the third column is for annotations and commentary. I have tried, as far as possible, not to poke fun in the annotations. No, that's not true. That's not true at all.

The book is not broken into chapters - I have divided it up into 20-paragraph chunks for your pleasure. The book isn't that funny, I'm afraid. He is disappointingly normal in the head; not up to Lawrentian standards of prose maybe, and utterly lacking any sense of metaphor. But if you're expecting "mnur, I'm Joey Deacon, mnur, look at me", then I can only apologise. He just wasn't that stupid.

May the twenty-fourth, nineteen twenty, Ottington Street, Wolling Road, Camberwell. This is where my life began. After I was born, my mother was in bed, my Grandma Brewer heard a knock on the door and when she opened the door it was my Dad coming home from the army. Grandma Brewer called to her daughter, my mother, to tell her that her husband had come home from the army. | 1 | So, we know where he was born. Do any Joey fans want to meet up on Ottington Street on May 24th?
And my Mem fell down the stairs before I was born. When I was one year old my My mum put me on the kitchen floor, and I used to roll all over the place. Six months after, my Dad bought me a chair with table and you could alter it, low or high, and when my Mum put my chair low I used to kick the buds out of the garden. Six months after, I was two years old. | 2 | This paragraph is funny. Don't get used to it.
Granddad Brewer got me a tub with sand in it, and at that time my brother Peter was born, and when I was three years old my Mum took me up to Camberwell Park and she took me by the Bandstand, on the swings. When I was about four years old my life in hospital started. The first hospital I went to was St. Childes, and they operated on the backs of my legs. The operation wasn't successful. I went to the hospital in 1924. | 3 | Peter is a goody. You may clap when he is mentioned. You must also boo when the wicked stepmother is introduced. [18]
One year passed. My school days began, and I did not last very long. I used to go to school at Otting Street. They turned me down because of my nerves. I could not talk. I was at school for three months. At that time I had a baby sister, Gladys. When I left school I stopped at home, and every morning my Mum used to put me outside the front door. She used to ask me how many motors had passed and I used to answer by blinking my eyes. I blinked once for every motor that passed. My Mum understood this. | 4 | "My Mum used to put me outside the front door". A strange move, given Joey's propensity to "roll all over the place" [2]. And by a busy road, as well - she's courting disaster!
My mother and father took me to Southend for a holiday, and I went on a boat called the Golden Eagle. I went up the river and up to Tower Bridge. There was a big storm, and my brother Peter and I were dressed in navy suits, and I wore a peak cap. The following year my mother's life ended when I was six years old. That was in 1926. | 5 | No... no... this isn't the one where his shoe comes off. But keep tuned for an interesting development. [12]
My Auntie Em took me over, and Grandma Deacon looked after me for a little while. And my auntie had a lot of work to do. She took me and my sister and my brother over. When her daughter Annie grew up, she took Peter and I to Hyde Park with Aunt Nell to see the Horse Guards. And she took me around to Grandma Deacon's home; Grandma Deacon was my Dad's mother. She was a good grandmother to me. At seven years old, I went to Carshalton Hospital for more treatment. They could not understand me when I went to the toilet. I did not like it there and I was at Carshalton for six months. | 6 | "They could not understand me when I went to the toilet". Not a typo - either Joey's ablutions were attempted conversations, or he pissed in a bizarre and complicated fashion. Maybe both!
Carshalton sent me away to Roehampton, Queen Mary's Hospital, for more treatment, and the nurses here were very good to me. And every Sunday afternoon the nurses used to put me on the balcony to look around. My Daddy, Antie and Grandma came to see me. On 12th February, 1928, me Dad told me that I was coming to Caterham. On the following Thursday, 16th February, I came to Caterham. I was first nursed on the female ward. I was brought to the male side of the hospital later. | 7 | Narrative at its worst. You have to pay for your fun with go-nowhere rubbish like this.
Nurse Dolly French was my first nurse. After that Ruth Boment, and Nurse Dora Bailey. They were all very good to me. I was in a cot and they fed me with milk and semi-solid diet. I was in bed all day. On my second day in hospital, I was examined by Doctor Harris. | 8 | Ruth Boment, Dolly French, Nora Ovaltine, are these nurses or fucking porn stars? I mean....Dolly French?
On the first Saturday, I got up from bed. My first friends were Cassan Over and Arthur Parsons. They tried to speak to me, but I could not answer them. They were told later that I cannot talk. I was not so nervous at that time. The boys soon knew me. Arthur fed me during breakfast with bread and milk. At dinner time, I was fed with bread, beef tea, and rice pudding. For tea I was fed with bread and milk all by Arthur. | 9 | Cassan Over as well? Sorry, Joey, but I think they were taking the piss out of you, mate.
On the Monday I was taken to the psychologist and I was asked the difference between triangle, oval shape, and round ring. They were on paper. I pointed the figures with my nose and I got them all right. Also she asked how many pennies in a shilling. I answered by blinking my eyes 12 times. She understood and was very pleased with me. I went back to the ward pleased with myself. One week after I came to Caterham I settled down with the nurses and the other patients. The following week I had my first visit from Dad. My Dad asken Dr. Harris how much I knew, and the doctor told him I was a very intelligent boy. | 10 |
A month went by. May 24th, my birthday, and when I woke up I was trying to tell the nurses and the boys that it was my birthday but they could not understand me. I tried very hard but I could not make them understand me all morning. After dinner Nurse French said she knew what I was saying, as she brought out a lot of birthday cards for me. And on the Sunday Grandma Deacon and Aunt Nell came to see me. They brought me a birthday cake which had eight candles on it, and Nurse Dolley assked me how old I was, and I blinked eight with my eyes to answer. June came, and the nurses used to put me on the court in a deck chair. It was nice and hot. Cassan Over and Arthur talked to me. They talked to me about Sports Day, and the Sports Day came round. | 11 | Is this the same Nell played by Jodie Foster in the rubbish film "Nell"? Is that where Joey learned to talk? Eeka bay, meesa tay.
It was a poor Sports Day as there was no roundabout and it was raining all day. It got a bit exciting after tea. They got a lorry and gave all the cripples a ride to Purley and back. Nurse Dora Bailey had me on her lap during the ride and one of my boots came off in the lorry. They found that one of my boots was missing in the ward. Nurse Dolley asked me where it was but I could not tell her. The next day the driver of the lorry brought the missing bot back and Nurse Dolley wasn't cross with me. It was not new, anyway. | 12 | Another boot falling off? Now tell the truth, Joey, are you doing this on purpose? Possible shock tabloid edit; "It got a bit exciting .. and .. Nurse Dora .. had me on her lap. .. One of my boots came off"
The nurses still used to put me on the court in my deck chair. I saw planes fly past and this was all I could do, and I was happy. In October I went to the pictures at the R.H., and it was silent pictures in those days. Mr Stephen used to work the projector while Mr Bill Ray played the piano. We used to go every fortnight to watch these pictures. My first Christmas here came round. Nurse Dolley put up the decorations. The nurses made lemons and oranges out of the paper for the decorations. My Dad brought a big box of chocolates for us all. My Grandma also brough me a Christmas stocking. I could not thank them for these Christmas gifts. We entered 1929. | 13 | With fluid skill, Joey passes through three seperate subjects in one paragraph. Flouting the rules of grammar with the confident hand of a literary genius.
We had a new nurse called Violet Marley in our ward. She fed me with rhubarb pudding and all the boys made me laugh. And when I laughed I spat all the rhubarb over Vie's apron, but she wasn't cross with me. I would not have blamed her if she was cross with me, but she only put on a new apron. I could not apologise to her as I cannot talk. Nurse Violet is still working in the card factory. | 14 | Pure Joey!
In February this year a schoolteacher called Mrs. Pemilton came into our ward. She talked to me, but I could not answer her. She showed me some photo cards and she asked me to match them. I matched them with the help of a boy who was my friend Arthur. Arthur wasn't sure how to do this thing. I showed him by using my nose to direct him which card to pick and where to place it. The following Monday, Mrs. Pemilton took me out in my chair and walked me round the ward. Ont thing I wanted to do was to learn how to tell the time on a clock or watch. Mrs. Pemilton asked me whether I wanted to learn to tell the time. | 15 | Possible shock tabloid edit #2; "Arthur was not sure how to do this; I showed him using my nose"
The year went by and we entered 1930. One day Arthur was going to feed me with my sop but I did not want it. Arthur did not know what was wrong with me. He put my sop on the table and had his own breakfast. He tried me with a bit of bread and said to the nurses that was what I wanted. I thought to myself that I would be alright with an ordinary meal. | 16 | He fed me with sop [sic]. It tasted like vommit [sic].
On the Sunday that followed I had a visit from my Dad. Me Dad brought a new woman with him and said to me: "Joey, I've brought your new mother down to see you." The woman was my stepmother. She was very nice to me, just like my real mother. She came to see me every month. It wasn't long before I had a step-sister, her name was Sylvia. My Dad brough my step-sister down to see me. She was two years old and I was 13 at the time. My Dad took a photograph of me with sister Sylvia on my lap and my brother Peter at my side when I was 12 years old. My stepmother wasnt' a very healthy woman. In 1931 she passed away. The marriage did not last long. They put Sylvia in an orphan's home as there was no-one to look after her. | 17 | Hmmm.
In October 1935 my father got married again to a lady from Crystal Palace in a place called Norwood. I only saw her once as she wasn't as good as my other two mothers. I have another step-sister which I have not seen in my whole life. Three months after Cassan Over was transferred to the male side of the hospital. Cassan was the only one that could understand me well. It was a battle when I tried to say something like I wanted to go to the toilet. When Nurse Mary Argo brought a chamber into the ward for one of the boys I made a noise and she understood what I wanted. So she went and brought me one also. On my fifteenth birthday I went along and started school in the hospital school. Miss Baker was my schoolteacher. I was taught the alphabet and some history. I got better and better. All I wanted to do was talk. I used to think to myself a day will come when I will be able to talk. My sixteenth birthday came round. On my sixteenth birthday my father asked me what gift I wanted from him. I pointed to my wrist and he understood that I would like a watch. On the 4th June I got the watch. | 18 | Hmm, again. Do you get the feeling that perhaps this whole thing isn't as funny as we thought? No, no, and NO. Every good comedy has its touching moments.
A week later I got transferred to the male side, but only after Mrs Brain asked me if I would like to go and I had time to think about it. Finally I decided to come over to the male side. I was growing and getting too big for the female nursing staff to see to me. I came to the male side on a Tuesday and soon mixed with my old friends once again. For a time I missed all the female murses who had been so good to me. I particularly mussed Nurse Nora Ovaltine; she was one of the best and my favourite. It was Mr. Davies who brought me over to the male side where I was put to bed and fed by the male nurses. The very next day they got me our of bed. I tried to make Mr. Davies understand that I wanted Arthur to feed me as I was more used to him. There was a cricket match and they took me out to watch it being played. The match took place on the Saturday. It reminded me of how my father used to take me to watch him play in the year 1925. September that year I started work in in the mat shop. I have now worked in the same shop for 16 years. It was the first time I had used my hands when Mr. Teece wanted a special colour and I picked one out for him. When I told my father that I had started work he was very pleased. In October 1936 I went out on the field to see a football match., and it was since that time that I became interested in football. the late Mr. Knight scored two goals for the hospital team. The next day when my father came to visit me I started kicking out my legs to show him that I had been watching a football match. | 19 | This long paragraph contains a short flashback sequence - on first reading it can appear that Joey's father has been resurrected. This didn't happen. Also, the confusing notion is introduced that every wild motion that Joey made carried some meaning. A spasm of the leg means "I have been watching football". A spasm of the arm means "I have been watching boxing" or perhaps "There was a foul in the game of football that I just told you about with my leg". Of course, that's about all he could say in this fashion. But what of his other form of communication, blinking? Does that mean he saw some birdwatchers? How would he distinguish birdwatchers and trainspotters? It's no picnic being Joey Deacon.
One day in November, I was stood up behind a wheelchair with my hands on the handles, Mr Hedley sat in the chair to control the wheels, and they made me walk up and down. I did this exercise for one year, in 1938. When my Grandma visited me I was told that Dad was ill again. On my eighteenth birthday he came to see me, and again in August, but that was the last I saw of him. In 1939 my father's life ended, and he would suffer no more pain. | 20 | I'm not entirely convinced Joey wrote this paragraph - the last line jumps out of style and into cliché. There were others involved in the writing process - I get the feeling that they changed Joey's original line - "In 1939, my father's life ended, and he would never touch me there again."

Are you sure you want to read more?
Step into the second level of hell;
Stay tuned for paragraphs 21-40.
Coming when I can be arsed.
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