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Welcome to the Art's Page, dedicated to the undiscovered artwork of myself, and a place where I can tell my favourite jokes, one of which I made up myself with my head.

The World's Best Joke | My Best Joke
--- | ---
How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler! | What do you call Sid James' corpse in a tent? Carrion camping!!

I think that deserves more exclamation marks, but I'm always wary of seeming vulgar. But this isn't why you're here. Let's have a look at the reasons why I'm five times better than you.

| Everyone knows that girls don't fart.... and if they did fart, it'd be a discrete slidy fart, and certainly not a great pumping chuff. Not so. Girls are always farting, and they don't give a fuck about it. See Jenny, to your left. Poking out her arse, as if to say "Fuck you - I'm a farting girl". This is the follow-up to "Girl Chewing Own Snot", and the final piece in the series, "Girl Sneezing Out Pie Segment", will be out in paperback later this year.

Shirt flaps are deeply contextual creatures. It is so rare to see them away from the shirts to which they are flaps. This is a wonderful snapshot of a once in a lifetime sighting of seven such flaps migrating to Blackpool pier. Let's hope that there weren't any trouser turn-ups there! Because, you see, they don't like each other. No, shirt-flaps and turn-ups don't get on with each other at all. |

| Aliens' outside heads evolved in response to a growing number of obscene phone calls on their home planet. The outside head acts as a secretary, screening which calls should get through to the inner head. The outer head was also used to put off Elastoplast salesmen from other galaxies. Elastoplast are useless to Aliens, as their blood just eats right through them. An interesting Alien fact is that they are the only species (apart from Pink Panthers) whose eyebrows exist apart from the head.

Finally, this work entitled "Your Mum's Hairy Arse", was created in 1997. It brings to mind the first time you ever saw your own mother naked. The first time I saw my mother was naked was just after my alsatian had been hit by a Vauxhall Astra. Now I associate vaginas with limping dogs, and this makes me resent her for still breast feeding me. This is your mother by the way, not mine. My mother shaves her arse. |

Now go elsewhere.