pinkle's story Pinkle is a girl. And she pooed herself. So it's not just a 66% gay man thing, you see. Anything that wears clothes can shit itself. Unless you're just wearing a hat. I don't think it counts if you shit whilst only wearing a top hat. Pinkle's speech is in blue (because I don't pander to gender stereotyping thank you), and mine is in black.

So, tell me your tale. And for the record, for all the people out there, this is a lady! This happened in my first year of university So you're a fully grown adult, with no excuses. Excellent. I was a student actually. Me and some people who claimed to be friends went out to a nightclub Was it a drinky club or a more sophiscated drug-taking club? It affects the poo, you see. it was in Essex. Does that help? Say no more, I think I was a bit silly. I drank rather a lot of beer and alcopop earlier in the evening, but it ended with me downing ten double southern comforts, and two tequila slammers Now that's respectable. I would have shat myself five times by now. Well I think after that I felt quite chipper, and went to the dance floor. I recall jiggling around for about 20 seconds then feeling the need to find the toilets It begins... (I like the idea of jiggling - it sounds more like writhing than anything else) Squirming there's more squirming shortly. I will hush so I said hello to Huey, gave the toilet a hug, then retired to the floor I recall I had one leg sticking out under the cubicle door - I remember this because someone was pulling on it Anyone you know? Seems a bit forward. Well yes, but I couldn't see so she might have actually been tripping over it so no poo at this point. I was dragged outside into the freezing cold by the bouncer and was sat down, and threw up some more. Away from the beautiful toilets they were beautiful, after i'd finished Did you feel any better after a nice vomit? there was very little "after". it was a continuous sort of thing so, the bouncer, bless him, actually dragged me home, but I can't remember much of this. I think I tried to snog him. I also lost my keys. Housemate let me in and must have got me to bed somehow. Oh, I do like that, you classy tart. "Giz kiss, you big bugger - don't mind the chunks" yeah, if I tuck my hair behind my ears you won't see the vomit stuck to it You've got aaall the moves. Sometime during the night, I'm not sure when, I sat bolt upright in bed, and projectile vomited a full two metres down the room. I have an image of it in my mind like the sex scene out of Fight Club, with one of those arc camera things me and a stream of vomit, frozen in time And an audience wearing 3D glasses sat at the foot of your bed ok here's the poo Those are the words I live to hear Although vomit is good too I lay down and went back to sleep after the vomit cannon, but I very clearly recall the moment I became concious of needing a poo so I just did it quite a lot of it Admirable attitude, that it wasn't runny, it was some of the healthiest stools I've done. heheh stools I know the frame of mind you're in... the kind where you can justify anything to yourself. But was there any point where you felt... alarmed? And thought - this is a big poo coming out of my lady's arse? nope Fair enough it was a totally primative thing, just "need poo. will poo" straaaain I'm doubly impressed that you actually strained to get it out. Everyone else has had the decency to *try* to hold it in... it was healthy pushing. purposeful. Ok so then I went back to sleep Any dreams that you can recall? Robot dinosaurs, or say, rolling around in shit? errr i dont think i was capable of that amount of brain function So, the next thing you know, it's morning. well I'd taken most of my clothes off before I'd gotten into bed, so the japanese would have been interested half naked and smeared in poo More, please. Exactly where were you smeared? This is what I - we - need to know. well, in the buttock area, halfway up my back and down my thighs Now I'm going to ask what might appear to be a very forward question Had any gone up your ... special garden? not up in, but on it Sorry about that - I got excited Non-sexually, you understand of course I am not a monster hehe so, i sat up, and saw some poo on the sheets, sort of smeared. so I got up, went to the bathroom and tried to clean myself up a bit. it was difficult becuase I couldn't stop retching Hungover, then? rather. this was a shared house and the bathroom was outside my room. I think I used a towel to wrap myself up I was panicking, - this is no lie: I had a new job starting that morning Your first day? yep it was a temp job that was hard to come by in the uni offices. pay was good Unis are quite forgiving of quirks, I imagine. But... rolling in covered in shit might test their equal opportunities policy lol so I felt the need to sort out the sheets before I left. I started gathering them off the bed, and my hand touched on something Something... brown? Something... oily? and surprisingly firm Very well done to you. Have a biscuit i unravelled a perfect turd, about four inches long, from the sheet Was it the only survivor? I thought so...i ran to the bathroom, got loo roll, carefully wrapped it up. pulled the rest of the sheet off the bed and two more poos rolled out You make them sound so cheerful well things look that way in the morning sunlight, don't they Yeah, shafts of luminance bouncing off the mucus mmm I think there were some smaller round ones too. Following like ducklings so I had my duvet cover and sheet off the bed (squelching around in loch vomit all the while) I'd entirely forgotten the vomit Thanks for bringing that up Badum tish - eye thang yew you're welcome got the poos and the sheets into the bathroom, locked myself in. ran a bath, put the sheets in I bet your hair looked nice. then had an attack of diareah (I can never spell that) There's a bonus all down the front of the toilet, on the floor. it was headed up by the last of the firm poos which went on the floor So, you were in the bathroom - and you still managed to shit all over the floor? Kudos to you so i've only put the hot tap on, so theres a nice poo stew brewing in the bath the room quickly steams up, and the aroma of poo is all around. There was shit in the bath, too? You must have been running around in circles! well the sheets had a fair amount stuck to them. i was actually stirring the bath from the toilet Oh, yes with my hand You don't half fucking ming you know aw thank you i was trying to get as much of the poo out as I could slipping around on my knees in the diareah ok i'm exaggerating now. there wasn't that much on the floor But the image was glorious while it lasted I wish I could put into words what it was like with the steam and the smell... (To try this at home, simply shit in a kettle) i had no more vomit left but I did lots of heaving Well at least you were trying. yes. somehow I cleaned it all up, with my housemate knocking on the door because she had a lecture to go to she went in there as I left. she never said a word about the smell I think she probably assumed you were aware of it heh Were you late for work? yes a bit Hang on, have you even finished shitting yet? yes, all dried up How did you fare at your first day, then? I'm being told what to do at work and the room is spinning i'd find myself leaning into the angle the room was at, then nearly falling off my chair then the cramps came...yes! more poo good lord they had a little single loo which was directly off the main office area The new batch of poo still inside you at this point? some of it was i don't know where it came from still no vomit though. but the sink being right next to the loo in there was good squitting and heaving sounds like a country song Dry heaving is very noisy - did everyone hear you? yes. they heard the pebble dashing as well So all in all, they're pretty impressed yes. bless em they didn't realise I was drunk. I told them I wasn't well and had to leave Aw... you must have got the "mother's little soldier" medal for turning out to work in that state... yeah. they were such nice dears. i do wonder if they just wanted me out of there cuz i smelt like steamed poo There's a happy end to the story A rainbow landed on your nose? I finally vomited the last when I got home Thank god for that. but i never got the original (and best) projectile vomit out of the carpet. i put bicarb on soda on it for some reason. a friend I lived with in the third year stayed over the summer and got put in my old room. The stain is still there Do you visit? I'd love to relive the memorys but i have since moved on and pooed in other places. You can never go back - you were wise to move on. back to more tales of the smear...