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Episode Five
Epilogue : How Hilary and Killian First Met
This scene is the culmination of Hialry's many attempts to have the conversation during the episode. His attempts are met with threats of and actual violence from Killian, who clearly does not want to talk about it.

    Hilary    Do you really remember when we first met? I can't help but notice that you keep changing the
              subject whenever I bring it up.

    Killian   Hilary, I do not want to remember the day I met you. [to one side] And yet, I fear to forget.

    Mary      Oh, go on. Let's hear it.

    Hilary    [to Killian] Shall I start? [Killian has a bag over his head, and is la-la-la-ing to himself -
              the scene is shown as narrated] Great. It was Paris, and the year was 1988. I had just walked
              past a bread shop, and the freshly baked aromas were making me water somewhat at the mouth.
              Because it is rude to spit in public, I was looking down with my mouth open and allowing the
              drool to fall out in that fashion.

    Killian   [removing the bag - Killian's scientific explanation is accompanied by diagrams] My excuse is
              a little more convincing. In the 80's, there was this fashionable new theory that hot air rose,
              so I was testing any use that this idea may have had. Rich people were sick of having to go
              through the tiresome rigmarole of breathing day in, air out. It was my proposition that merely
              by looking upwards, the air inside you would rise out, to be replaced by the cooler external
              air - your body would automatically breathe. To this end, I was looking up with my tongue
              hanging out of my mouth.

    Hilary    We suddenly became aware of each other. I credit this to some psychic link between us, which
              is the reason why we became such superb friends. Eh, Killian? Eh?

    Killian   We became aware of each other because Hilary smelled of old sweat. I looked down in disrelish.

    Hilary    And I looked up thanks to our otherworldly bond.

    Killian   Piffle. Anyway, what happened next was the end of my career in the marines. In helpless
              surprise, we slipped into each other.

    Hilary    And the shock of being so... penetrated... made us both hiccup.

    Killian   At the same time. This, of course, created a vacuum in our mouths making it impossible for us
              to seperate.

    Hilary    For three full days, we were stuck. No-one would help us - we didn't look like we needed help.

    Killian   Oh, aye. We looked like we were having the time of our lives.

    Hilary    We developed a name for ourselves. [tutting motherlyly] Some French wag dubbed us "those crazy
              Eenglesh 'omos".

    Killian   We couldn't eat. We only survived by alternately eating the other's vomit.

    Hilary    It got pretty stale towards the end. I can tell you! But that didn't stop us enjoying it.

    Mary      So how did you finally break this unholy union?

    Killian   Somehow, tantric sex magic or something, we induced a simultaneous belch, thus breaking the

              seal.

    Mary      Ingenious!

    Killian   Now, let's never talk of this again. Goodnight.

              [Killian instantly drops his head back and pretends to be asleep, faking a snore]

Finally, move on to episode six. It's the best. Honest.