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THE SOUND OF DEATH
using COMMANDO comic books as a primary research
tool into the atrocities of the second world war

| FEATURING THE GIRL WHO ATE THE GALAXY I cry when the puppy feels pain, my twinklers tighten when I sense injustice. My hair is trained to rise madly and spit out venom where needs must, and I am currently dating a demon with a barbed wire willy. How this came to pass is a mystery to me; but when I escaped and tried to live my old life, none of my friends would talk to me. My name's Wendy, I am the girl who ate the galaxy. When I'm not reacting inappropriately to normal stimuli, I ponder my own lost innocence, and I stare through my rose, a symbol of all that I once was. To eat a galaxy : it is to know too much. This, I have learned. That dying lingers, and death itself is merely an instant. When people are dying, they make many sounds, probably about doing a bungee jump or sucking off a bee. Mad shit. When they die they only get one word. What is that word?

[W]A[RR]G[GG]H!

[fig 1] this man was tragically killed by his own speech bubble [fig 2] the impulse to vogue in the field of combat was more common than history tells us
| True death is unpronounceable, but it sounds a lot like that ..gogogoch Welsh train station. Interestingly, suicide rates in Wales are lowest in Swansea - the town that sounds least Welsh. Perhaps this is because of the brain associating the Welsh language with sounds of dying, and lapsing into a premature and unnecessary death. Or perhaps it is because they feel that they have a purpose in Swansea, processing all the applications for Driving Licences. Aggh! takes many forms; here are the most common. Agh! THIS IS NOT DEATH, and should not be used if you are dying. It's more likely to be used in situations where a pinball flipper is twatting your sac, or if you cut yourself on your own sharp tongue. Aagh [fig 1] Note carefully the lack of an exclamation mark. This isn't death either - it's more of a pretend death - please think I am dead, and stop aiming your guns at me. So you lie on the ground and hide under the corpse of your friend. Remember the pressure of his body above yours, as you tell your mendacious stories of wartime bravado to your grandchildren. And pray, as you pray every night, that the nightmares do not visit you. Agggh! [fig 2] This is a bit more than death - perhaps the bullet hit young Jimmy in a particularly poignant place. Perhaps he had banged his elbow earlier that day, and had kept banging it all day.... and then he got shot.... in the elbow! Or maybe his nuts. Warrggghh! Now yer dyin'! You're dead, and you ain't coming back. Your neighbours will probably look up from the television and applaud. If you manage an Aggh! variant any longer than this, then you are probably falling down a bottomless well. There have only been two Warrggghh!s where a representative from the Guinness Book of Records has been present, and they were both cases of internal spider egg hatchings.

| WAYS TO BEHAVE WHEN WITNESSING DEATH Remember. If we want the respect of all other countries in the world, we must behave emotionlessly, and possibly make trivialising comments. When witnessing enormous carnage, you have the choice of the following. The man on the left is RIGHT. Say "Blimey!", or "Crivens!" if you are from Scotland. What you mustn't do is take the opportunity to address your own mortality, by sharing important moments in your life with those close to you. This will make you seem gay, like the man on the right, who is WRONG.

UTTER NO-NO Under no circumstances should you toss your mauser around the bodies of your dead and wounded comrades. |

SUITABLE RESPONSES TO SOMEONE SAYING "WARRGGGHH!" Context is everything! And remember; be distant and unsympathetic at all times. This can be maintained excellently by being a little camp. Being camp has only three rules; use a term of endearment, refer to men as she, and always try to drop in a reference to breaking a nail or having a penis in your ear.
DEATH BY | TRY SAYING
gunshot on battlefield | do pipe down, love. some of us are trying to get some sleep
internal spider egg hatchings | what's her problem? anyone'd think she'd broken a nail
being on fire for too long | oh, i know how you feel, dear. I left my heated tongs in overnight last week.
parachute not opening | you'll have to speak up, ducky; i've got a penis in my listening ear