| When I was 23, God said I could go out to play, as long as I didn't ruin my appetite by eating a load of rubbish, because he was creating Chicken Casserole that day. As luck would have it, the Devil took me into the desert in his shiny new car, and told me all about this new cake, which was called Battenburg. It seemed like a miracle - soft spongy pink and yellow squares, generously bound with marzipan.... and with an unusual transparent cake glue between the squares which was like the stuff you get in pork pies. I took the cake, but instead of eating it I used it to feed fifty thousand poor people. God was very pleased with me, and the Devil said "poo".