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INSIDE THE GLADIATORS
Far from being monstrous lunkheads, the Gladiators are in fact cerebral and docile creatures. They can only eat pressed flowers in order to keep their bizarre shapes, and Lightning can often be seen wearing those clever glasses, holding a notepad, and chewing a pencil. What scientific imponderables she is mulling over, we can only guess. But here are some of the massive leaps forward that we can accredit to our oversized celebrity pals.

### Hunter : Techno Wizard

> Hunter was the first Gladiator to realise that a four-way adaptor cable plugged into itself was a source of perpetual energy. Putting this theory into practise in the ghettoes of Harlem, he provided the power for three incubators - saving the lives of two premature children.

> Sadly, the third child died, suffocated by his own blanket. His asphyxiation was agonisingly drawn out, because you can breathe perfectly well through blankets. But nobody told the bloody child.

### Rhino : World's Deftest Lover

> Incredibly, this bulky man-mountain is the most considerate lover you could hope for. If you aren't writhing in ecstasy within three minutes, he'll start crying and lock himself in the toilet. He can only be tempted out with his favourite foodstuff; a delicious pressed flower.

> Rhino invented the "roller-coaster" position, in which the woman is pushed down a hill in a trolley, while the man runs after her, with a towel wrapped around his waist.

### Jet : Secret Agent

> Head of Gladiator Covert Operations, it was Jet that secured the release of the rest of the gang from the clutches of the evil Noel Edmonds. Her secret weapon is her vagina - trained since birth to perform the following tricks...

- Hold a pencil and crudely draw a plea for help - useful for when hands are bound.
- Retain frozen peas (without thawing) and blow them out with enough force to stun a daschund.
- Imitate human voices using fanny farts.

### Slash : WW2 Fighter Pilot Hero

> Slash thought nothing of wiping the floor - or rather, wiping the air, if wiping the air didn't seem a little... painless - with dozens of the Bosch before returning to the ground and giving his chocolate ration to special needs children. Then, it was off to the hospital to encourage ill puppies to eat their medicine, followed by a couple of hours helping out the vet on those trips where you have to put your hand up a cow's arse. His favourite song was "Room At The Top" by Adam Ant, and his favourite curry was a Chicken Dansak (he would provide the chicken with pre-slaughter counselling and would never ridicule the Indian accent, even when drunk).

> Sadly, Slash was killed when an extremely hot pizza burned its way all the way through the roof of his mouth, and his brain dropped onto his tongue and got eaten.

But of course, they're not all good, there's always a bad egg in the happy basket. It may come as no surprise to you that Wolf, all-round bully and general nasty pasty, is that egg.

### Wolf : Tobacconist

> When he's not behaving in an unsportsmanlike manner and pushing people around, Wolf sells speciality tobaccos to the Cumbrian community. Not believing that children should be subjected to the arbitrary whims of a nanny state, Wolf encourages children to experiment with tobacco, and if they find that they like it, he offers them a range of amphetamines, hallucinogens, and "jellies". A firm believer in God, he sneaks into their room at night and injects children with "skag", in the knowledge that if God didn't want him to do it, he would stop him, or at least ask him to stop. Wolf attends a local Prebyterian chapter where he is rewarded with voices that tell him to kill prostitutes.

Now you know that, you can return to the gossip page or forget about all that tosh and jump straight back the page with the photo of me on it. A ha, and who could blame you? You are, after all, only human.