NATURE'S PERISCOPE PUT TO NEWS USE today : untreated and regrettable cack, spooned closer to you than you would have asked Special Phone Numbers Allocated To The Disabled As part an elaborate attempt to wear down sympathy for disabled people, by offering them pointless benefits which are designed merely to outrage able-bodied letter-writers, Oftel announced special telephone numbers would be issued to people in wheelchairs. The new numbers are only two digits in length, and all of them contain a five. And as if that wasn't enough, they are to be offered optional sticks, that will allow them to dial the numbers on specially enlarged buttons at distances up to six feet. "People in wheelchairs have a terrible time," said a spokesman for people in wheelchairs. "They can't run around and join in all the reindeer games. And they can only dance to music which requires no leg movement, such as The Cure, or Pantera. It's really bad. We are also thinking about introducing a bent dialing stick that will allow these poor people to dial telephone numbers around corners." "Well, I think it's outrageous," complained Whinny Baker, chairlady of a local pressure group for the rights of ordinary people. "They'll be taking my eggs next, and implanting them into some doped-up whore. I don't dislike disabled people, but where will it end? Will they want to rip out my womb and let homeless people snort crack out of it?"
| Pantera have reformed as Swivelsticks after a shampoo company paid them three million dollars for the name!
Schoolboy's Millennium Diary Creates Sexual Revolution Lett's, the makers of the unfashionable and painfully middle-class "Schoolboy's Diaries" range, were called to task today about their attempts to become more "with it". The inclusion of a pricing structure for young boys wishing to rent themselves to fat businessmen came under particular scrutiny. "Expect to receive about Ł30 for a simple hand masturbation, more if you allow the client's penis to be stimulated by rubbing between your thighs. The real money is in full penetrative sex - but if you think your anus may be too tight, try experimenting with a vibrator. " 127% of the nation's children are now believed to be on the streets, selling themselves to evil fat businessmen who think nothing of spending twenty five pounds on a sandwich. With forests and recreational areas now in chaos, the need for an organised pimping structure has never been more apparent. Businessmen are mobbed daily by dead-eyed children clambering hungrily for their flies, and hundreds of Huggy Bear characters are estimated to be required to control them, with whips and lassoes. Also being considered is an adoption scheme, where the businessman, in return for a monthly sum, receives a sample of the child's handwriting and pubic hair. Lett's have justified the section simply as part of their new philosophy of getting down with the street. "We was staid; now we is hip to it - hot cocoa!" explained Jake Peers, a fat advertising executive.
| The Giraffe believes that exposing humans to sexual experiences at any point in their lives is wrong, and can only lead to dysfunction, long-term mental instability and pregnancy.
Courtney Cox Wears The Trousers, Says Sharon Stone When Sharon Stone moved in with Courtney Cox after leaving her long-time abusive basketball star husband, Hulk Hogan, she soon discovered that Courtney certainly wears the trousers in their fifteen billion dollar dream palace, perched atop a fluffy Beverley Hills cloud. "No sooner had Liam Neeson left the house to make sure that his mother, Lady Miss Kier (played by Oprah Winfrey and Dame Judi Dench in a pantomime horse), had taken her quota of a designer drug that makes you change skin colour according to your mood, Courtney (played by Brain Glover) took me to one side and told me that milk wasn't a communal resource in her house, and if she saw CCTV footage of me touching her carton of milk again, she would fuck me up the ass with a 12-inch strap-on. Then she encouraged me to put base cocaine into my eyes, and told me that if I didn't everyone would think I was stupid and a big baby. After eighteen years in rehab, I met the corpse of Les Dawson, who made me laugh, and I learned to love again. I moved back in with Hulk Hogan, and have learned to take his peltings as a desperate expression of needfulness." Apparently, Courtney is so ostentatious that she used the second biggest diamond in the world as a secret switch which opens a compartment.... containing the biggest!
| Les Dawson's real corpse - the one not used for made up stories - is kept in the enormous pipe organ in Durham Cathedral. Every time a B Flat is played, the force of the air propels another loose string of grey flesh all the way to the moon, where he is being reconstructed!
Computer Game Confuses Parents Involved With Drug Education Maureen Porter, a mother of three children, is aware of the dangers that face her children. In a world full of predators and drug abuse, she keeps a watchful eye over her brood. So when Jordan, her eldest son, complained that his Ditto was sleepy because of a Jigglypuff, she immediately phoned the police and put the boy in custody. After twelve hours of interrogation, the police discovered that he was, in fact, talking about Pokémon, a game where the player must hunt and capture various creatures, and train them in a series of bloody fights. Feeling suitably chaste, Maureen tried to sympathise with her daughter, Lucy, when she told her mother that she had been chasing the dragon, and desperately needed help. Maureen smiled, and gave her child twenty five pounds; by the end of the night her daughter had scored some low-grade smack and overdosed in an unfurnished bedsit. Maureen has since crusaded to spread awareness, and has produced a leaflet for "all parents who care", which contains this table;
DRUGS | POKÉMON | BOTH
"Smoking A Fat Tulip" | "Getting Your Kabutops" | "Dropping A Wobbly Egg"
"Freewheeling On Mount Dust" | "Getting Muk On Your Crabby" | "Fishing with your Old Rod"
"Barking At The Stars" | "Having An Oddish Gloom Over Your Gengar Dratini"* | "Operating The Hidden Machine"
* This is, incidentally, also a Polari phrase coined by Kenneth Williams, meaning the dour expression on the face of a fellow homosexual who has been diagnosed as having advanced tooth decay. In another similarity between gaming and drug cultures, children are given the choice of Red or Blue Pokémon - similar to the choice of pills that Lawrence Fishburne offered Keanu Reeves in The Matrix. However, instead of having their imaginations tested with a fundamental revision of the world we take for granted, Children are encouraged to use "poké-balls" to capture wild animals, then fight them against each other. Behaviour that would be more expected of Clint Eastwood in his bare-knuckle fighting "Any Which Way But Loose/You Can" days, only with animals, like Clyde the Orang-Utan, also from those films.
| Pokémon differ from Tamagotchis in many ways, not least in the methods of cruelty open to owners. Cruelty to Tamagotchis tended to be starvation and unnecessary injections, whereas Pokémon can be excluded from important battles, and made to fight enormous beasts against whom they stand no chance. Unfortunately, Pokémon cannot be killed like their Tamagotchi brothers, they can merely be encouraged to "faint". C'est la vie!
And Finally Thirteen hairy backed men were herded into a chalk circle by an Alsatian in aid of Cancer Research this week. Up to two hundred pounds will have been raised, assuming that all pledges are honoured. Sponsorship was on a "per hairy backed man" basis. A spokesman for the Marie Curie Cancer Research charity was delighted at the money raised.