| Dr Miriam Stoppard's "God Help Me, Christ This Hurts" Page
Hello readers; it's me, Dr Miriam Stoppard, agony aunt supreme from the Daily Mirror. Take a look at my picture in the corner. Now take a closer look. Do you see? Do you see how my eyes are like dead, rusty holes in a tramp's head? Here are some letters: Dear Miriam, I am a 15 year old girl. My 45 year-old boyfriend wants to piss in my mouth. Is this safe? Miriam Says: S afe? SAFE? It's good for you, you agonizing fuckwit. Just ask Ghandi. In fact, what's your boyfriend doing with a frumpy minge-maggot like you? Give him my number. I'll show him what can be done with piss. Dear Miriam, My husband and I have been happily married for nearly 25 years. However, of late I have become increasingly suspicious that he is having a gay monkey affair. I found a hair in the bed, which definitely isn't mine, and the other day I noticed what looked like monkey-claw marks down his back. How should I confront him? Miriam Says: Don't. He may stab you. Instead, go to a bar. Pick up a black man. Next! Dear Miriam, I am a 14 year-old boy, and I think I may have a problem. I just can't stop masturbating. I do it about 80 times a day now; my cock is ripped to shreds, I can't get out of bed, and my body and limbs have wasted away, except for my right hand, which can crush housebricks and ice. Please help. Miriam Says: I didn't actually read this one; I thought I saw an intruder in my rockery. I'll have to give a formulaic answer: Tell him. It's the only way out of this. Dear Miriam, Can you hear me? Miriam... I can see you. It's Stan. I think...yes...I've grown tits, Miriam. Big, bouncing tits. Save me, Miriam. Save m e from myself. Miriam Says: I'm not answering this one, as my strength is waning. Here's my photo casebook instead. MIRIAM'S PHOT O CASEBOOK: Fear
Dear Miriam, I think I may have crooked flaps. Some of the other girls at school cornered me in the showers, and threw apples at me, which I didn't really understand. Then this stinking gypsy girl with a mullet hissed something at me, but I didn't understand that either. After they had gone, I looked down and noticed I had what looked like crooked flaps. Is this normal? I a m 15. Miriam Says : For t he sake of God's enormous, swinging brown testicles, I am sick to my saggy tits with letters from 15 year-old girls. It feels like they are lining up, taking it in turns to try and fuck my eyes out with strap-on screwdrivers. Dear Miriam, I am concerned about the behaviour of my next-door neighbours; there is shouting and screaming every night, and what looks like a foetus on the front lawn. Plus, they seem to have orgies with boars (Boar-orgies) with alarming regularity. How should I attempt to resolve the situation? Miriam Says: Keep you r nose where it fucking belongs, Mrs Clancey, i.e. on your puckered old shitpiece of a face. What I do is my business, got it? No...it's too late, my blood's boiling. I'm coming round tonight to stick a barbed prong into your bronze medal, then I'll scoop holes in your face, and my husband will skull-fuck you to death / coma. Miriam's Advice Lines:
Vaginal Warts Leprosy Cum into my waiting mouth How to kill pensioners quickly and mirthlessly |
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