HELLS KITCHEN EPISODE 11 : NATIVITY SPECIAL ## SCENE ONE : IN THE ICEBOX [In the icebox, every thing is Christmassy. Snow flakes drift around, and frozen peas frolic around, sliding down the mounds of ice.] FX Jingle Bells, Children’s La-la-la. NARRATOR Christmas time, mistletoe and wine, lipstick, powder, and paint. [sings to the tune of “What do you want to make those eyes at me for”] What do you want to make mince pies with me for? Ah, tis the season of love. [Ramon, Tasty, and Pauli are talking to McWorter. They are wearing paper crowns.] PAULI And then-a, we saw this crazy vision. A picture of a young girl and the mysterious words “Christina Aguilera”. McWORTER Ah, Christina Aguilera. She truly is a star. Star quality. Stardom is in her starry, starry eyes. Gentleman, start your engines. Ready, steady… cook. Five star – band. Four star – petrol. Where’s the logic in that? What I’m saying is… Follow the… Follow the Celebrity. RAMON [nodding wisely] Seek out the celebrity and shoot it, you say? Shoot it with may guns? You are truly wise. # SCENE TWO : ALONG THE SKIRTING BOARD [Cut to a poster of Sandy Toksvig on the wall. The Poster reads “Sandy Toksvig : The Dumpy Years”. Pan down. Mung Foo and Lola trudge across the floor. Mung Foo is pulling Lola in a cart. Lola is looking more bloated than usual. Mung Foo is looking exhausted.] NARRATOR And so we join the noble, honest carpenter Mung Foo, and his purdy wife, the Virgin Lola. LOLA [to camera] I know. I was as surprised as you when they told me. [they pull to a stop by the dustbin – party music comes from it] MUNG FOO Mung Foo pooped. We stop at this bin for the night. LOLA Oh, you’ll spoil me, Mung. I’m about to shoot a little new life out me front arse, and you want me to sleep in a dustbin. [Mung Foo knocks on the bin. The music zips quiet and the lid opens six inches. Tyrone appears with smoke billowing around him. The sound of stoned cockroach giggling (available on all good sound effect CDs) is in the background.] MUNG FOO Let us in. I am pooped and my lady wife is about to blow. TYRONE Me kyan help. There’s no room in de bin. MUNG FOO Rotten luck! That is the bin, the tin, and the rolling pin, all with no room. We should stop trying things that rhyme with "inn". [Short scene of overlapped “asking” and “walking” scenes, with Tyrone sadly shaking his head each time, in a different wig. This should create the impression that Mung Foo has asked four different Tyrones.] TYRONE No, you damn blood clot’, dere is no room at de bin! Dat's the fifth damn time you ask! Can't you see am tryin' on all me new wigs dat I be gettin' fer Christmas? MUNG FOO Oh. OK. # SCENE THREE : IN THE MOUSEHOLE [Mung Foo and Lola are just settling in.] MUNG FOO Has pregnant wife got enough pillows? LOLA Yes, thanks, dear. You couldn’t give us a quick tongue massage, could you? [her tongue slides slowly out of her mouth] MUNG FOO [shuddering] There’s no such thing as tongue massage. LOLA Suit yourself. Your loss. [Tasty, Pauli and Ramon enter] TASTY ‘Ave you seen Christina Aguilera knockin’ about? We bring her many gifts. MUNG FOO No. It is just Mung Foo - me - and his – my – pregnant wife. PAULI What, you two had sex? MUNG FOO Not quite. It was Immaculate Conception Special Move. God did most of work. Mung Foo was essentially Holy Fluffer. LOLA Be a darling and catch this for us, love. [A slow, sphincteresque animation of a tiny tomato squeezing out of Lola. It drops to the floor. Everyone looks at each other.] TASTY That’s put me right off my kippers. RAMON You might as well have the gifts. Christina Aguilera nowhere to be seen. TASTY Here. Here’s twenty of of me golden sovereigns. You wear two of those on each finger, little ‘un, and people will always know that you are a wanker. PAULI Here. Some Frankincence. LOLA [nonplussed] Oh, thanks very much. [she looks it over, and hands it to Mung Foo. Mung Foo looks at it, then pops it in his mouth.] MUNG FOO Mm. Taste like Moroccan duvet. RAMON And now the final gift. The gift of mhyrr... [he continues the "rrrr" sound as this brief exchange occurs] PAULI [to Tasty] This should be a fine ending. TASTY Yes. You can always rely on Ramon to come up with a top notch punchline. RAMON ...rrr dur! Mhyrrderr! Murder! [As in Ramon and the Toy Soldiers, Ramon goes on a rampage. Ramon and Tasty watch approvingly. TASTY Do you see what he did, there? PAULI Masterful. [Ramon's carnage dies down.] RAMON [hysterically] Murder! Myrrh. Dur. You see. LITTLE BABY JESUS [glowing] Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. [pause] ALL Aaaah. SCENE FOUR : THE MORAL [Seperate grotto scene. A sweaty priest beetroot dabs at his forehead. He is the same creepy beetroot from Happy Birthday Mung Foo and Seance. He is wearing a yellowed Santa beard and has a couple of sweetcorn cheerfully bouncing on his lap.] BEETROOT What do you want for Christmas? A Mini-Disc walkman, you say? What's one of them, then? Are they like love eggs? The things that give you a secret smile when you pop them in your... [noticing the camera, he snaps to normal behaviour and the sweetcorn hop off, whimpering] Oh! Heavens, viewers. Haven't we had fun, today? And we've learned a valuable lesson, as well. And that lesson was "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." Which obviously doesn't apply to some things, such as nipple torture, or pressing your eyes into your head until you see shapes. Unless you've taken precautions - a couple of elastoplast and some Rennies, at least. It's just common sense, really. Have a delightful Christmas.