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## The Lady Behemoth Gets Pissed
& Lies About Her Body

You see me? I can fit through a toilet roll tube. The secret is, to think small thoughts. I only eat salads, you know, it's just that my internal organs work so slowly it takes me three weeks to work off a carrot. Straight up, I'm not kidding. Whose round is it? Mine's a Campari and Lemonade.
You know Campari? There's no calories in Campari. You actually lose weight by drinking it. Go on, guess how much I weigh. No, you're way off, I'm actually lighter than air. It's only my clothes that stop me flying out the window on the merest breeze. And that's another thing, did you know that my arms can pick up Channel 4? Straight up, I'm not kidding, no really.
I did the voice for E.T. You know that line, "Be Good"? I sneezed. I was meant to say "Eat Food", but I sneezed. Spielberg said he liked my version better, sacked the bloke who wrote the "Eat Food" line, and make me his queen. You wouldn't believe what goes on in that house. I got through three boxes of Always Ultra a day, which is one more than usual, even when I'm on.
When I put my fingers together, it freezes time. Like this. You see? I just watched "Gandhi". Go on. Ask me about it. It's got this Indian bloke in in it. See? The proof of the pudding is in the amount you get of the pudding. Mozzarella isn't cheese. It's a meat. Ask anyone. No, don't ask anyone, ask me. Cheese is a meat. See?
I've got this joke. Mother says to her child "did you break my arsehole collection?" and the boy goes "yeah, rectum". Geddit? I've got the biggest arsehole collection in the world. You can't see them, because they're just holes, but they do smell a bit.
Can I taste your Galliano? I need it. I'll die unless I have a sip of your Galliano. The doctors can't explain it, I'm a medical miracle you know. Until the day I die, I'll never know why I must drink your Galliano. Probably something to do with my webbed feet, though, I get these urges.
My head comes off like Worzel Gummidge. Straight up.
I was talking to that Bond Girl, Honor Blackman the other day. I was telling her about the time I went to jail for completing elecronical circuits with my hair. So, I said to her, "I went down, Honor Blackman", and she said "your mouth doesn't look big enough, deary". And she's right you know, I've hardly got a mouth at all. The doctors had to stick a pin in me just so that I could breathe.
Look at these fingers. They may not look that elegant, but I won a money counting competition against the whole of NatWest and TSB combined. They got their best out against me, and I beat them all. Got a letter from the Pope, saying well done. He asked me to come around and count the Vatican money, but I was taking me Metro in for its annual. That's why you never see him smiling, I broke his heart.
Did you see me on Brookside? I was in the shop, buying my tri-weekly carrot. They had terrible trouble on that, 'cos my arm was picking up Channel 4 while they were filming, so we got a bit of feedback. They do Brookside live, you know, you have to run really quickly between scenes. I tripped up Mary Decker, that Zola Budd just fucking took all the credit. I've got a lizard's tongue.

The Lady Behemoth appears in the second week after her carrot in her local pub in Epsom. She operates via the insertion of 50 pences into one of her rolls. Her eyes flash to indicate that a 50 pence is about to expire. Campari may be purchased in addition to the initial 50 pence outlay. Some Lady Behemoths may differ in size from the Lady Behemoth pictured above. The Lady Behemoth Foundation has stopped recruiting; please stop sending us your Lady Behemoths.