MY
|  | DIARY

Hello world! My name’s Jennifer! I’m ever-so-slightly crazy. Not very crazy, I mean this craziness doesn’t actually translate into actual dementia, like blinking until shapes appear, or squealing at the TV, clutching a cushion to my sex, when someone I don’t like is on. I’m privately crazy. I have a little table that I use to gauge how crazy I have been - and I keep a running total in my SECRET diary that not even God is allowed to look in!

Oh, go on then - since you asked - here's bits of my diary - but not the naughty bits!

24th MARCH 1996

Today I have decided to keep track of exactly how crazy I am being. Then I can look back at the end of the day and assess how much people will have liked me.

| 0 - Not Crazy Booooring! | 1 - Crazy Like Me Wappy / Bubbly | 2 - Silly Crazy Stop Being Silly | 3 - Just Rubbish Makes Me Squeal
What I Ate | Lean Cuisine Microwave Glazed Chicken (tho’ nice) | Too much chocolate - burp! | Poisoned ice cube | Kenickie's knickers bound by a randy clown's hex, in a tub.
Sport I Played | Tennis or Billiards | Ping Pong | Egg Tennis or Pocket Billiards | Quatermass Ping Pong Experiment, featuring dark matter balls.
Love Metaphor | Blooming Rose | Blooming Hell!!!! | Half-peeled banana stuck up an exhaust pipe. | Two Henry Hoovers on a toboggan, one on suck, one on blow.*
Favourite Cheese | Cheddar | Gorgonzola | Cock | Pope
Number Of Legs I Had | 2 | 2 (the having of legs is not to be joked about) | Any number not 2. Don’t be silly! You’re making me cross! | Any answer that isn't even a number. Fuck you! My daddy was in a wheelchair!
WHAT PEOPLE WILL THINK OF ME | That I am rubbish and dull, and everyone will hate me. | They will think I am lovely and kooky, and shower me with offers of cinemagoing. | They will think I am stupid and hate me. | Hateful Pig!

*This one is also a bit gay, which makes it worse. Although there's nothing wrong with being gay, just like there's nothing wrong with sneezing - it's just an undesirable symptom.

I aim for a daily score of five crazy points. Any more than that and I would just be a silly attention seeking fool - like that damn Julian - but any less and I might kill myself in a horrible moment of lucidity.

3rd APRIL 1997

I am thinking about leaving the crystal shop. It is going downhill. They've started making small crystal orcs and goblins, and I don’t like them at all. I like small crystal cats and - oooh, swans! Orcs are mean natured, and sometimes it makes me squeal when I see two of them looking at me. Today, I arranged the crystal cats and swans on one side of the table, and the small crystal orcs and goblins on the other side of the table, so that they could have a fight. I reasoned that the orcs would not take the threat of the swans seriously, and could become complacent before getting a fucking good pecking up their scaly arses. Then, I covered the security camera with a piece of cardboard on which I had drawn a picture of the test-card girl. I didn’t draw her playing noughts and crosses with her teddy bear, because that is lonely and strange. Instead, I drew her hiding inside a cave, wrapped in a towel. I still put the noughts and crosses board in the background, though, as she would need something to do to take her mind off the crippling hunger. When no-one was around, I got out the broom and smashed the crystal goblins. Then I arranged the crystal orcs so that it looked like they had just invaded a goblin village, smashed the goblins and set fire to their huts. Then I scooped up the cats and swans in my arms and ran home. No-one has mentioned the orc pillage, although they are careful to walk very far from me at work, perhaps conscious of my powers.

16th APRIL 1997

Dennis says that he is leaving next month. Julie started going around with a big brown envelope - the BITCH. She knows I always do the collections. She'll have to go, she will. Well, I know what biscuits she likes. There won't be many Orange Jaspers in the shop from now on. And I'll cover the ones we do have with salt. Then I'll wipe them under my armpits. Also, I think I'll start collecting these new novelties that have started appearing in my crisp packets. I shall collect them, and people will think warmly of me as the woman who collects them - kooky! Oh yes, and I've started making the silhouettes of ballerinas out of uncurled paper clips. This is JUST TOO CUTE! She only got fifteen pounds for Dennis' leaving present. Pathetic slut!

11th MAY 1997

Dennis left yesterday. I didn't give any money towards his present, I'm not paying for that Julie's bitch power cunt trip. Last night I had a dream about how I could get her. My father told me that dreams are sent to us by spirits, and they can lead us through situations. Following his advice, I tried pointing at Julie today, but she didn't decompose much, like in my dream. I also made little fizzing sounds, to make it seem more magical, but that didn't work either. Eventually she came over and asked me what I was up to, so I put my head in a file box and told her I was doing the yearly outgoings. I have put loads of stickers on my monitor today, including my favourite, "You Want It When?" with a little man rolling around on the floor, laughing so hard it hurts him. I don't understand the joke, but I understand how the little man feels. Crying and laughing. There is no feeling, no truth, in either act. Forgot about the Orange Jaspers - nearly ate one myself, today! Luckily, I remembered just in time - especially as I've filled my perfume bottles with diluted dog shit and started to spray atomised turd on them!

18th MAY 1997

Julie has complained to the management about me. It turns out that the fucking dog had a lot more luck with a petition to get me out than she did with Dennis's collection. So, based on my increasingly exotic behaviour (which is a lovely way of putting it, I thought), I have been dismissed. I hadn't combed my hair properly that morning, so I can understand why David likened me to a mad woman as I leapt across three tables and went for Julie's eyes. Forgot about the diluted dog shit in my perfume bottles today... so on top of everything else I went to work smelling like a big poo with a face. I swear, that Julie is going to fucking DIE for this.

And that's all I'm telling you for now - you can imagine the rest! Anyway, here's some photos of me next to a horse - enjoy!