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Episode One.
Scene Five : Flat Security

This probably being the first scene you've read, you haven't had the dubious benefit of the last four scenes to make the characters a little more "believable". To help you out, Killian is a kind of good supervillain. He's good, and he wants the law to be carried out with all due process, but he's really very evil as well. Hilary is a man. He is a pure man, whose utter noncomprehension of anything other than cartoons make him irritatingly likeable. You may recognise him from every other sitcom, ever. Lord Jools is just old. He suffers from all the same weaknesses that you might, if you ever become imperfect. He has a healthy appetite for sex, and enjoys the way that an ornate chair resembles a beautifully maimed woman. So there you go - you are now suitably lubed up to read this scene.

`[Jools, Killian and Hilary are inspecting the new security]`

    Hilary    I feel a lot better now we've got all this new stuff.

    Killian   Yes. We've got the periscope, purple knockout gas a la Batman, and the trap-door
              should ensure that if any more Christians decide to "drop in", it will become
              an unpleasantly literal visit. [he chortles to himself, pleased]

    Jools     [looking into the persiscope] Hello.... I can see an earwig.

    Hilary    Only they won't strictly be dropping in, will they? They'll be dropping out, or away.

    Killian   [thinking] No. Not at all. In. They'll be dropping in. Just.. dropping in, somewhere
              else.

    Jools     Hang on... that earwig... it's naked... I can see it's earwiggy boobs. It's a good
              job I'm not easily shocked.

    Hilary    [inspecting the lift] Hey, look at this. According to the ding-o-meter...

    Killian   Ding-o-meter?

    Hilary    Yes. It counts the amount of times that the lift goes "ding". Every good lift
              should have one.

    Killian   There's no such thing. You just made it up.

    Hilary    That's technically true, but it is very catchy, isn't it?

    Killian   [begrudgingly] I suppose.

    Hilary    Anyway, the lift went "ding" again while we were out.

              [Belinda comes from behind a potted plant, behind which she was mostly visible anyway]

    Belinda   Erm.. I'm terribly sorry. I think I'm lost.

    Hilary    [startled] Ur! A woman! Is nothing sacred?

    Killian   [pinning the woman against the wall by the neck] Explain yourself! Who are you...
              or should I say... [tugging at her face as though to remove a mask] WHAT are you?

    Belinda   [in pain] My name's Belinda, and you're hurting my face. [Killian keeps tugging]
              Actually, you're really hurting my face.

    Killian   Fair enough. [he lets her down, and dusts down his front]

    Jools     I do have to say, however, that this earwig has a kind of jaunty swagger. I'm not big
              on earwigs, but this one's got class. And one good thing about being naked - you
              can't wet yourself.

    Belinda   I've been here for about a week now. I've had a few of your Ryvita, if you don't mind.

    Hilary    That was you! I thought I'd been sleep-eating. I was going to leave a post-it note
              on them to stop myself, but I didn't know if I could sleep-read and I thought I might
              eat that as well, and the gum would catch in my throat, like the time I tried to make
              a papier mache penis and I couldn't go to the toilet for weeks. [Upon meeting silence,
              Hilary sits down sheepishly]

    Jools     Hello... there's a cranefly in there as well. My, you are the seductress, aren't you?

    Belinda   Ahem... do you mind if I leave now?

    Killian   Go ahead. It'd probably be best if you left before I have to set Hilary onto you.

    Belinda   So. I'll just go then. OK?

              [this suddenly turns into a getting the last word in competition]

    Killian   Fine. You do that.

    Belinda   I will.

    Killian   Good.

    Belinda   Fine. Look at me, going.

    Killian   Sorry to see you go, great to watch you leave.

    Belinda   Hold the image, buster, it's the last time you'll see it.

    Killian   [resorting to non-words] Fneh.

    Belinda   Puh.

    Hilary    Don't forget your handbag, Belinda.

    Belinda   Oh, thanks.

    Killian   [still not giving it up] Snih.

    Belinda   [waiting for the lift doors to close, she speaks just before they close.] Hunh.

    Jools     Hang on.... that was my handbag. And it had a bomb in it.

    Hilary    Jools... what have I told you about keeping bombs in your handbag?

              [In the lift, Belinda looks around, timidly opens the handbag, and blows up]
              [In the lounge, the three look around a bit sheepishly as the room still shakes]

    Killian   Well, it's a kind of justice, I suppose. And it'll teach her for not letting me have
              the last word.

    Hilary    There's still someone in this flat though. [ominously] And next time... it might not
              be a woman.

    Killian   We will have to be vigilant. If anybody notices anything even slightly odd, they
              will report back to me, and I will compile a fact sheet. Copies of this factsheet
              will be available at the usual address. But now, it's bedtime.

    Jools     Ten minutes. There's some serious lesbo insect action going on in our lift.
              [laughing] And the ladies don't even know I'm watching.

    Killian   Goodnight.

    Jools     But you ain't no lady, missy.

    Hilary    Goodnight, Jools. [he is ignored]

    Jools     She winked at me! Ooh, you minx! I've a good mind to .... oh, dear. [looks at his
              trousers] There I go again.

So, now you've met the three male judges. In scene six, we meet Mary for the first time.