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### An Off-Duty Gimp Gets Pissed
& Shows Prospective Buyers Around His House

### Mr and Mrs Justin Cooper

The Coopers just moved into the area after Justin found work as a software analyst. Although he is looking for a nice house, he is aware of the fluctuating market and is looking for a sturdy investment. Over to the Gimp...

Come in, Mr Cooper. Sorry about the way I'm walking, I'm not pissed, I swear. I've just been spending too much time in the box recently. It's my leg muscles, they're underdeveloped, see. I'm not pissed. If it's not the box, it's the pulleys, it's a living wonder I can walk at all, the doctor says. You're wet. Why are you wet? Rain? Rain, rain... oh yeah... I read about rain once, but the masters caught me trying to learn. They had to blind me with scissors. Don't misunderstand me none, I'm ain't complaining about the masters, it's just that it hasn't improved my Darts average, I can tell you. Who turned the lights out? That's just a blind man joke. Cletus tells me them jokes. Come on through into the lounge. Mr Cooper? Where you gone? Dang.

### Tony Patterson And Julia White

A young couple from the northern suburbs, they moved to Mississippi as a kind of joke, with no punchline. They are very much in love, and are hoping that will see them through. Like in Poltergeist. Mr Gimp?

Do you want to see the cellar? I grew up down there, next to the furnace. I used to play this game with myself. I used to see how long I could keep my hand on the furnace before the pain 'came too much. Then I'd see how long it took to take my hand off the furnace, on account of my hands melting onto it. I only played that game once, no wait, I did play it twice. Jethro says thats why he has to feed me. Jethro lets me listen to the radio. Sometimes Jethro and Cletus let me run around the house. If I get real excited they let me touch myself. You smell real pretty, ma'am. Come through into the bedroom. Miss White? I can't smell you no more, Miss White. Dang.

### Ken Price

A lonely widower, Ken is looking for a smaller house, but a house that could still accommodate his grandchildren on their infrequent visits. Perhaps the gimp will have more luck here!

I sure do hunger, sir. You wait here, Ma says that I should never eat in front of strangers on account that I do make noises. I can't hear nothing, but then Cletus had to break my eardrums when he caught me listening to the radio. I don't mind none, but I did used to enjoy Chinese Whispers. Can I feel your face, to see what you look like? My, you've got textbook eyeballs, all soft and pushy-inny. Sorry, sir, am I hurtin' you? Cletus says I don't know my own strength. I got big arms, see, 'cos mah brothers let me touch myself. When I'm in The Box, there ain't much else to do. Most of the time, it's white, but sometimes it all comes out red. Ma says that that's when God's telling me to stop touching myself. Mr Ken? I can't feel your eyeballs no more, Mr Ken. Aw, shucks.

Will The Gimp ever sell the house? Find out, in the next riveting instalment of The Special Treats. The Gimp appears in informal daywear - Dungarees (Topman, £45) and sports casual under-dungaree cotton T-shirt (Miss Selfridge, £20). We are no longer recruiting Gimps. Please stop applying to be Gimps.