INTRODUCTION 2

The Euro is coming! In Europe, they are already feeling the benefits of brilliant new coins that you can use as a replacement for real money. Coins and notes that just look swell in your pocket, or as you fish them out of your shorts, put them onto a counter and say "A two Euro mix please, Mr Brooks", and look surprised when you get three Pineapple Cubes and a twiglet.

The English reticence to adopt this fabulous little currency has been noticed by the other two countries in the EU, though. Both Germany and France have accepted that English people won't tolerate anything that involves less pictures of the Queen in the world. So they initiated a study, and discovered that the new £2 coin in Britain would have been more popular if it had included a bigger picture of the Queen, and perhaps a picture on either side, that animated when you span it on a table. One suggestion was to include collectible "expressions" coins, where the Queen displays her range of emotions. These emotions would include "inner turmoil", "pleased to meet you", "down and dirty", and "taking it like a man".

However, the Queens of France and Germany didn't like that idea, and said that they would start a war if our Queen was allowed to get her face on the Euro coins. So they did another survey - that cost millions of pounds of YOUR money, and means you won't be able to afford a holiday this year. The results of this survey was that people also like famous people - apart from bad famous people, like Hitler. Well, not entirely true - English people harbour a secret fondness for Hitler, becuase he is foreign, evil, and we beat him at war. Hitler is all our prejudices justified, so we love him. English people therefore demanded to have Hitler's face on every coin - and we overrode the objections of every other country in the world so that we could rub Germany's face in their stupid fascist loser past.

Hitler on one side, a pop celeb on the other - in this way, it is hoped the English people will gobble up the coins like silly little ponies eating nettles. The Euro is here, and only fat ugly people aren't in it.

COME, EURO! WE SUMMON THEE!