disappointment

| This is the Scene Guide. The best and most densely sweary scene (Plant Potting) is included, slightly clipped, for your listening pleasure.
JOHN, TALKING 00:00:00 | John Davidson tells the camera that sometimes, things get so bad that he considers killing himself. This is an interesting approach to beginning a show like this; far more appropriate would have been him baring his teeth into the camera, and lobbing threats and abuse at the viewers. | NO SWEARING
JOHN'S HOUSE, HALLWAY 00:00:36 | John's mother is on the phone to the police. She is discussing a scene in which John was nearly arrested for swearing at a policeman. An ideal time for a re-enactment, featuring a camp mock-startled policeman who slaps himself lightly on the cheek and looks at the camera in outrage, is wasted. | NO SWEARING
GALASHIELS HIGH STREET 00:01:30 | John and his mother walk down the street, and it is here that we have our first swear. John starts with a fuck off, which he follows up with a high pitched yelp, which sounds like he is jumping on a dog with a balloon. Finding his feet, he shouts fuck off again, followed by a rowdy jeer which would make a virgin blush. He then opts for a single, pithy fuck. He finishes the scene by looking at some shoes, squealing, then barking. | Fuck Off! (2) Fuck! (1) Squeal Jeer Bark
JOHN, TALKING 00:02:22 | John explains how it feels as the words come out. It is as though someone is forcing them out - he tries to stop them, but he cannot. Considering that he now has the opportunity to swear directly at millions of TV viewers, he is inexplicably polite. | NONE
SUPERMARKET 00:02:41 | A real treat, this scene. John and his mother's rather mundane conversation regarding coffee and light bulbs is given zip and pepper by John's rather fruity dialogue. After most of his outbursts, he coughs, or growls to himself, clearly angry that he is calling his own mother a fucking slut. It is here that we first hear the holy grail of swear words, cunt (a real treat in the 80s), and we get a fantastic double dose. Neither are directed at anyone in particular, although he does tell a young girl to fuck off. His gaze follows her as she walks away - probably perturbed as much by the film crew as the swearing boy - and he shouts a fuck after her, for good measure. An unexpected moment comes when John goes to pick up some coffee for his mother. He begins to shout fucking nescafé, but manages to stop himself. Either that, or it was faded out at the insistence of Nestlé officials, who threatened to topple the BBC unless they did. | Fuck! (2) Fuckin! (2) Fuck Off! (3) Slut! (1) Mum, You Slut! (1) Cunt (2) Fert! (?) Fucking Nescafé! (1/2) Squeal Other shouts
JOHN, TALKING 00:06:02 | John explains that he knows the words will shock and annoy people, and says that when he thinks about that, it gets even worse. He doesn't, however, say anything about his favourite swear word, or phrase - but at the moment it's shaping up to be "Fuck Off". | NO SWEARING
JOHN'S MOTHER 00:06:25 | Apparently, John's condition used to be more focussed on the physical jerks. At times, he would knock himself over with his wild flailing. At other equally entertaining times, he would punch people with terrific force. However, these days, John has decided to focus on his swearing, to get it right. | NO SWEARING
WIDE VIEW OF GALASHIELS 00:07:02 | The Narrator talks about the small town aspect of John's life, and that it is difficult for John to hide. The suggestion that John should hide in a box does not arise - nor does anyone propose that John should hide inside a pillar box, and swear whenever anyone puts a letter in. It is in this scene that the lone, wailing saxophone that should really be replaced with Herb Alpert be | NO SWEARING - it is the narrator talking, after all.
JOHN, TALKING 00:07:47 | John explains that he has had to change his usual habits to avoid meeting people. All very well and good - but no swearing. He catches a burp, though. A beautiful burp that could have blown us away, especially if he'd used it to swear with. That would have been stylin'. | NO SWEARING
RIVER 00:08:19 | John finds that when he is fishing, he has no "exhausting explosions of foul language", no tics, no spasms. Luckily, there's only one more river scene, then he starts swearing again. | NO SWEARING
JOHN, TALKING 00:09:02 | Around this point, John's status as a performer has to be called into question. It's a clear minute or two since his last outburst, and you can't help but feel that he just isn't trying. | NO SWEARING... YAWN
RIVER 00:09:25 | Well, seeing as John's not swearing, I will. Fuck! Fucking Knickers! Spearmint Chewing Cunt! | STILL NO SWEARING
BASKETBALL COURT 00:09:43 | "Paradoxically, Touretters make excellent musicians, dancers, and athletes." Not really a paradox, is it? Not like going back in time and shagging your grandmother so she gives birth to your mum. Besides, the scenes of John playing basketball are not particularly inspiring. | NO AUDIBLE SWEARING But I bet he is, under his breath. I bet he's saying "shitcuntbuggerarsebitch" over and over again.
JOHN, TALKING 00:09:57 | The outburst in this scene (the first and only time he swears directly to the camera, when alone) is a marriage of the two famous words, cunt and fuck. They are said so quickly together that a beatiful new word, cuntfuck, is born. | Cunt! (1) Fuck! (1) or Cuntfuck! (1)
JOHN'S MOTHER 00:11:32 | "One teacher in particular pulled John out in front of the class, and said that he was mental - that he should be locked up. Another locked him in a cupboard." Good work, teacher! The old "swearing cupboard" trick! That'll made the headmaster tear his hair out! | NO SWEARING
CANTEEN 00:11:52 | A strange philosophical discussion on the tranquility of dinnertime. It puts you in mind of an old English gentleman, saying "aah, the pleasures of elevenses! Reclining over a toasted muffin, and letting the hot butter soak through your undergarments!" The camera focusses on a group of youths happily eating together, and exchanging pleasanteries. One man shoves a bun into his face with reckless bad aim. Then he laps the crumbs off his lips with a cruel sneer. If this is non-swearing civilisation, then we should hang our heads in shame! A very touching moment in this scene is the establishing shot of the room in which John eats his lunch, alone. The narrator says "Of course, none of this is possible for John." Then, we hear an echoing yelp - presumably from inside. Then, we cut to John eating his lunch, alone. And swearing. | Yelp (3) Fuck (1) Cunt (1) Spitting (1)
JOHN, TALKING 00:13:35 | John feels that everyone hates him, because of this thing that isn't under his control. It is one of the scenes where the sadness briefly overtakes the humour. But then, it wouldn't be schadenfreude if the joy wasn't shameful, would it? It wouldn't be funny if it wasn't sad. (Insecure Bully Paradox #35) It's OK - he starts swearing again... now. | NO SWEARING
LIBRARY 00:13:47 | There really had to be a library scene, didn't there? The narrator says "the whispering silence of the library is an impossible challenge", signalling the onset of another zany bunch of profanity. He starts off with a trusty "Fuck off", and after admonishing himself, he lets out a terrific shout, and buries his head in his hands. Then, they do it again! An establishing shot of the outside of the library, a very nice stained glass window, with a muffled, echoing fuck coming from the inside! It is this sort of thing that lets you know that the editors were taking the fucking piss. John didn't say that - I did. | Fuck Off! (2) Terrific Shout (1) Muffled, Echoing Fuck (1) Misc. Yelps and Jeers (2)
DR OLIVER SACKS 00:14:44 | Some bearded twat comes on and gives us the facts. It's pretty much the equivalent of someone saying "Ah yes, you said one thing in such a way as to convey the opposite meaning - thereby employing sarcasm." We don't want to know why it's funny - we just want to laugh at it. So BOO to Oliver Sacks. BOO him off my telly. To be fair, however, he does sport a magnificent beard. Woof, sir! Pop Fax : Tourette's Syndrome is apparently named after Gilles de la Tourette. | Fuck (1) Cunt (1) (As the Doctor talks over him)
VOCATIONAL CLASSES, OUTSIDE 00:16:13 | John attends special classes. And he swears in them, too. It is here that we see vintage John, with some well-rounded and sustained outbursts. It also shows a new side to John, as the profanity drips out at a more leisurely pace. He says "fuck off" in an almost off-hand fashion. Which is, on the whole, rather suspicious. Are you playing games, John? | Fuck Off Yelp Fuck Off (sedate) Nod, Seethe Cunt Fuck
PLANT POTTING (RealAudio, 1m37s : 607k) 00:17:16 | Brace yourself. Nothing I can offer you matches this. I not type. You listen. | Fuckin' Idiot Prick Shit Oo, ya cunt Shout Hey, Cunt Mim, You Fat Cunt Hey, Big Nose Indistinguishable Shout Fuck Off! Spit (In Teachers Face) Fuck's Sake Cunt Fucking Cunt! Fucking Idiot!
DR OLIVER SACKS 00:19:49 | Dr Sacks comments that we all feel these impulses; and even demonstrates by saying fuck himself. Way to go - that's really gettin' down with the mentlers, mister! | Fuck (Doesn't Count)
JOHN, NOT TALKING 00:20:49 | John sucks at himself. He doesn't say anything. Two thirds of the way through the programme. In Hollywood terms, we should be expecting an action scene. |
JOHN'S MOTHER 00:21:02 | Sometimes John's mum tells us how difficult it is to live with. |
TEA-TIME AT HOME 00:21:21 | John shows a fairly normal animosity towards his siblings. He threatens to thump his sister one; then, realising that he could have used his condition to get away with being a little more strident in his language, he compensates with a healthy flob onto her plate. The cake is covered in a box to keep John's spit off it. | Dizzy fuck(?) (1) Spit (3) (Onto Sister's Plate) (1) (Into Sister's Face) (1) (Into Brother's Face) (1)
JOHN'S MOTHER 00:22:18 | John's mother says that the spitting is the worst thing - and it is. It's certainly when I put my hand to my mouth and went "no....". Why would his mind leap from wanting to shock, to wanting to get his neck kicked? Why doesn't he just go around groping skinheads? SWEAR FACT : People who never swear are three times more likely to grit their teeth and look severe whilst having sex. | NONE
TEA-TIME 00:22:41 | Regular non-naughty conversation is incredibly mundane. In the supermarket, we were worried whether 60W bulbs would fit in the socket. Here, John asks his mother if the fish is cod or haddock. John's mother responds, after giving the matter considerable thought, that it is haddock. Cod, she tells him, is too dear. John belches at the dinner table. The way his says "excuse me" is rather sweet. Considering the fact that he's just gobbed into his mother's face. | Fuckin' Little Spit (3) (Onto Mother's Face) (1) (General) (1) (At the Camera) (1)
JOHN'S MOTHER 00:24:15 | John's grandmother, apparently, thinks that John is possessed by a devil. I'm not convinced by that argument - unless it's a wee cheeky devil. Thankfully, John's mother doesn't share this belief - if there's one thing that makes my heart run cold, it's religion's attempts to work its way into, and replace, hospitals, schools, even rock music. I'm not going to go off on one... but imagine being raised by someone deeply religious, who thought you had Satan inside you. You'd hardly get taken to Alton Towers, would you? | NONE
DR OLIVER SACKS 00:24:23 | Possession - both neurological and spiritual, was documented by Gilles de la Tourette... oh, was it. | NONE
SPECIAL CLASSES 00:24:40 | Quite a sad moment, this. Rather than the vocational classes, which at least teach John how to - pot plants... these lessons are just plain retarded. "How to deal with everyday situations".... such as filling in forms, or going to the post office. Imagine French lessons, but in English. Peasy! We've established that John's not stupid; why is he being taught holiday English? But... come to think of it... if you put John in France, would he swear in English, knowing that it wouldn't shock anyone? Or, in the absence of any known swear words, would he just resort to spasms and yelps? I mean it - I'm quite curious about that one. Sort of goes to the nature of the disease, doesn't it? I should be a psychologist. | Spit into teachers face (1) Ya cunt (1)
JOHN'S REMEDIAL TEACHER 00:25:33 | John's special teacher explains how the girls have accepted John's quirks, although one girl seemed to take offence. The teacher reassured the girl that the insults were not aimed directly at her... but as we have seen, the insults are often based in reality. Take, hey big nose, and you fat cunt. If John had an outburst at this girl, saying "hoy, cunt", followed up by "shit dress, no-tits", and "stupid fucking remedial bitch", then I'd have a hard time explaining to her that the insults had no relevance to her. Perhaps that's why I'm not a teacher. Perhaps that's why I'm writing this. | NONE
POST OFFICE 00:26:03 | John uses his knowledge acquired in special classes to go to the Post Office, where he enquires after a dog licence. It would have been much better if he had been applying for a Mynah Bird licence. That would have made for an excellent sequel, and serialisation. | Fuck Fucker Cher Cunt Fuck Off
STREET 00:26:37 | He just shouts ey and fuck off, really. A poignant, introspective end. | Ey! Fuck Off!
JOHN TALKING 00:27:17 | The programme ends with a "why me?" speech by John. Which is fair enough. John does seem like a nice kid. A bit dull when he's with his mum - but that's natural enough. Because Tourette's seems to be an inexplicable disease, I keep trying to rationalise it. If it's simply taboos that are sought, what would happen if everyone around him started using the same language? Would his brain seek more shocking behaviour? I do hope so. | Visual Leer
Credits 00:27:42 | No swearing. |
BONUS SWEAR 00:28:20 | If there was any doubt that the production team were having a laugh, it's this bonus swear after the credits finish. | Come On (1) Fucking (1) Stop (1)

Other Page |