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A Postcard from

Broughton-On-The-Frith

1. Broughton-On-The-Frith, 1853. A History Lesson.

a number of still sepia pictures illustrate the introduction, the camera panning slowly across them

Narrator

[photo of a map] The town of Broughton. Broughton. Over a century ago, Broughton was a thriving hamlet, with a booming trade in money and its own petting farm with tame goats. That was, until the diseased river Frith sprang from nowhere. [a river] The river Frith. It has no beginning. It flows uphill into a hole in the sky. And sure as sugar, it is the harbinger of rancid, hellish decay. For in the waters, there dwells [a serious, rampant Alligator, other pictures show the rest of the story] a hungry Kung-Fu alligator, with mystical powers and enough teeth to play a football game with, if teeth were footballers and tongues were referees. The citizens of Broughton now lived in fear, the alligator selecting children at random, shrinking to the size of a walnut, climbing into them and eating them from the inside out. The town only had one hope. A simple-minded adolescent girl, Nerys Winters, took on the Satanic reptile, and beat it at Chess. That done, the Alligator ate her and choked on her sandals. In its final thrashes, the Alligator cursed the town and promised its revenge, in a bigger, more terrifying form. It also cast a terrible curse upon all those who bore the Winters name. Miraculously, Nerys survived the digestive process and went on to father a number of children, one of whom drowned in his own soup. Nowadays, Broughton-On-The-Frith is a ghost town. The people who do live there are dead. The fear now is not as immediate, but it is no less harrowing. They simply await... the return of the Alligator.

[The Opera House, the narration becomes more upbeat]

Meanwhile, in the temperate climes of Ludlow, Shropshire.....

[introduction]

2. The Lounge. Conversation.

the four judges sit, chatting. They are talking about their families. Jools is barely participating, he is looking into a Magic Eye picture

Hilary

What about your family, Killian?

Killian

I come from a long line of romantics. All the great lovers were Redgraves. Take old Romanova Redgrave, the inventor of the "exploding balls" ruse. Never fails to win a woman's begrudging compliance.

flashback to a scene in bed

Romanova

Come on then.

Girl

What if your wife walks in? I have no ethical problem with this, but scenes are so embarrassing.

Romanova

Don't worry, she's in hospital after an accident. And anyway, the dogs are loose in the grounds.

Girl

Oh, that's all right then.

Romanova

Gerremoff.

Girl

No, I've changed my mind now. I've decided that this is morally wrong after all.

Romanova

[to himself] Women! [thinks - gets an idea] But I've got an erection now, and if I don't ejaculate my testicles will explode.

Girl

Well... I wouldn’t want that on my conscience. Or my bedsheets. You’d better hop on.

Romanova

You're a very considerate girl. [winks to the camera]

back to the lounge

Killian

Romanova, you pleasured so many and died so violently.

Mary

How did he die?

Killian slows down - the Elm Street children start that “One Two Freddy’s Coming For You” song

Killian

A disfigured child murderer returned from the grave to haunt his dreams. His bed was turned into a giant liquidizer and his guts were spewn onto the ceiling.

Mary

You're kidding.

Killian

[immediately upbeat] Yes, I was. Here’s a bag of shiny sixpences for being so clever. [he hands her such a bag] Actually, his face was cut off by a white man. I’ve hated honkies ever since. [points at Hilary] WHITE TRASH!

[Hilary drops his teacup in camp surprise]

Mary

How terrible.

Hilary

[still shaken] What about you, Jools? What was your family like?

Jools

[not removing his eyes from the pictures] I was never actually born. From the womb untimely ripp’d, I cast no shadow, I am impervious to pain, and I can outrun a cheetah. Oh, and my blood could eat through diamonds, like Alien. [laughing] In fact, I am a bloody alien, Yes.

Mary

[surprised] He said something. I didn’t think he talked.

Hilary

Stop lying, Jools. You are not so impervious to pain. You wear oven gloves, don't you? You wouldn’t wear oven gloves unless heat caused you pain.

Jools

You know nothing.

Hilary

Suit yourself. Right then, Mary, what about you?

Mary

Oh, it was all go in my ancestry. My father was moderately well off, so you can imagine our Christmases...

flashback, to an angel, pan down to the family around a Christmas tree – This is Mary's childhood

Mary

Oh, Daddy! Is it the doll I asked for? Is it the talking doll what says stuff?

Daddy

That says stuff, dear.

Mary

Is it the talking doll that says stuff?

Mummy

That talks, dear.

Mary

[impatiently] Is it the talking doll that talks?

Daddy

That's still not quite right, darling.

Mary

I don't frigging care. Is it my talking doll or what?

Mummy

Well why don't you just open it up and see?

Mary

I hope it is. If it isn't I will have an enormous strop on.

Daddy

You’re a bit young for an enormous strap-on, dear.

Mummy

Strop-on, Dennis. It’s ethnic talk, she’s been seeing those Yorkshire children again.

Daddy

Oh, Christ. Sorry.

Mary

Excuse me. It’s my Christmas.

Daddy

[stifling his anger] Well, unwrap your doll, then.

she finishes opening the wrap - it is the doll

Mary

I can’t believe it. You ruined my surpise, you bastard!

Daddy

What does the doll say, darling?

Mary

[hiding the doll] Nothing... to you. Bastard.

back to the lounge - Mary produces a doll and pulls the string

Doll

[Mr T in Barbie’s body] I ain't getting in that plane, crazy foo'. [Mary wipes a tear away]

Killian

Out with it, Hilary. You’ve obviously got something you want to say about your family.

Hilary

Well, since you ask, there's something very odd about my family tree. I don't appear to have one. After being made to realise the terrific importance of family by American chat shows, I decided to try and trace my own. And they're all dead.

Mary

Oh, how sad.

Hilary

More than sad, it's naff. They died in the most pathetic ways. Gwyneth Winters was suffocated when a blanket fell on top of her when she was renovating a vicarage. Subsequent attempts at being a ghost proved to be rather frustrating...

Gwyneth roams a Victorian house under a blanket

Gwyneth

[trying to scare a visitor] Woo! Woo!

Visitor

Good grief, how hackneyed.

Gywneth

[pissed off] It's not bloody hackneyed, it's how I bloody died. Stupid ironic reincarnation.

Back to the Lounge

Mary

She was suffocated by a blanket?

Hilary

Yes. It took fourteen days, because you can breathe through blankets. Anyway, Elspeth was smothered by a baby in her sleep, and Arwyn, well, Arwyn....

A man sits in a basement, making plasticene snakes

Arwyn

Little snakes, you are my only friends. [he stops, begins to sneeze] Ahh...ah - aaaah.... ooooh! [it builds, he sneezes and the next thing we see is two eyes hitting the wall

Back to the lounge

Hilary

Oh, Arwyn. You didn't close your eyes. Oh, and Denzel got cancer.

Mary

Cancer? That’s quite serious, don’t you think?

Hilary

Pah - he didn't even smoke. How feeble is that? Feebly Weebly Feeble.

Killian and Mary exchange concerned glances

Hilary

Peeble?

Killian

So, what's your point?

Hilary

Oh. Well, they all died on August 25th. Every year, without fail, a Winters dies on August the 25th. Which is next week. As the last Winters alive, I only have a week left until I die. Badly.

The lift dings - the Mystery Butcher steps out. The Mystery Butcher is a postman today. He is quite an elaborate man, a kind of more subdued Joker

All

[except Mary] It's the Mystery Butcher!

Butcher

[throwing four sausages into the air - all catch one, except Jools. The sausage falls behind his Magic Eye book, and there is a hidden commotion and Tazmanian Devil noises as the sausage is consumed] My babies, my sweet babies, how are you all? Tell me you're all fine, please do. If you don't I will simply scream! [he stamps his feet excitedly]

Mary

[licking her sausage] Who is this?

Killian

He's the Mystery Butcher. He brings us meat.... and more.

Hilary

It’s a rather funny state of affairs, really. He makes us play “What’s My Line?”, and if we lose, then he gets to eat us.

Killian

But we do get free sausages.

Butcher

You've had the meat,

which you may eat,

now that is your discretion.

But given clues,

(which I will choose)

Can you name my new profession?

[He takes out a letter, and tiptoes towards Killian, finger over lip. Melodramatic checking to see if anyone's looking. He drops the letter on Killian's lap, and steps backwards, hands on hips, mime finished.]

Hilary

Hollywood yes man.

Butcher

No.

Killian

Still a butcher?

Butcher

[rubbing his hands together - move closer with his face in shadow] Oh, dear. This is your last chance. Choose wisely.

Jools starts to cough. Everyone looks at him. Then Mary talks.

Mary

You're a stealth postman.

Butcher

Curses! Once again, you spare your lives. But one day, I will have you all, on a bed of crisp lettuce!

he slams a smoke pellet on the floor and walks to the lift

Hilary

The two faces of butchery.

Mary

Philanthropic pillar and bloodthirsty psychotic.

Killian

He only has to be lucky once. We have to be lucky every time.

Mary

What's the letter about?

Killian

I'll open it and see.

Mary

Yes, do.

Killian opens the letter, and reads it. The others try to read it, but he shields it from them, childishly

Killian

It's from the boss judge. In consideration of my outstanding excellence in the field of... judging stuff... [squinting] This handwriting is appalling, sorry about this.. I've been given a promotion. I'm now a ... good grief, this is a scrawl... chief judge.

Mary

Is there such a thing?

Killian

[defensively] Well, there is now. I am one.

Hilary

Look, that's why the handwriting's all funny - it's written in blood. It's all smudged.

Killian

Strange. Anyway, I get a bigger - curlier - wig and a comfier chair. And.. what's this? Oh - I have to move to Broughton-On-The.... Frith. I will be escorted by taxi to the diseased River Frith, where a submarine will take me into the blackened heart of Broughton.

Mary

Where is this place?

Killian

[slowly, sinisterly] It doesn't say.

A car horn is heard outside. Killian gets to his feet, all sinister forgotten

Killian

Well. That'll be my car. I'll be off then. Hilary, you send on my condiments. Mary, you're a good-looking girl and you don't know what you're missing out on here. [points to his penis] Jools - [Jools is asleep with the Magic Eye book over his face - he sleeptalks]

Jools

[sleeptalking] Dolphins! Dolphins, everywhere!

Killian

- never mind. Well. Goodbye. And Hilary, I wouldn't worry too much about that curse thing. There's always a get out clause. It's just that you've only got a week to find it. Good luck. [he gets into the lift, does not wave]

Mary

Shouldn't we have hugged?

Hilary

[angrily] Oh please, Mary, this isn't the Golden Girls. [softly] Although - that would have been nice. I've lived with Killian for seven years, when I was a struggling artist in Paris.

[a studio - the following is in B/W and French, with subtitles]

Killian

Quand je reve, ma tete augmente douze centimètres.

What artistic blister are you nibbling now?

Hilary

Regarde. Je vous présente General de Gaulle, et son nouveau chanson "Ou sont mes Sidney Poitiers?"

I have discovered an untapped genre. I bestow genitals upon flowers. See my new masterpiece, "flower with penis". [he shows a simple drawing of such]

Killian

Les enfants ont caché ma petite amie.

Flowers do not have penises.

Hilary

Le pompier est trompé jusqu'aux os.

I am not a camera, I am an artist.

Killian

Il faut penser! L'argent est dans la boite - mais quelle boite?

I have a dream, Hilary. I want to be a judge.

Hilary

L'un - la liberté; l'autre - morte certaine.

A judge? That sounds rather jolly.

Suddenly they both start talking English

Killian

Yes! Let's both become judges and move to Shropshire, England.

Hilary

I will burn my paintings immediately.

back to the lounge

Hilary

[wiping a tear from his eye] I loved him.

Mary

Eur.

Hilary

Oh. Not like that.

Mary

Good.

Hilary turns, knuckle in mouth to the camera

2. A Taxi Outside The Opera House.

[The driver is talking to the butcher]

Butcher

I am no lackey. I do not perform errands like the puppies that I tease. I want you to know that the only reason I compromised my malevolent integrity is the substantial sum of money you paid me.

Driver

Well, yes. That was kind of the idea.

Butcher

[thinking] Aye, ‘appen it was, lad. [he slams down a smoke pellet, and actually disappears - he appears in a sewer] Christ, the smoke pellet actually worked. [he looks around] Where the hell am I?

[back above, the driver picks up a walkie-talker]

Driver

Keith. The plan is working perfectly. Redgrave is coming now.

Keith

Excellent. Once Redgrave is in Broughton-On-The-Frith, the others will be open to us... and Jesus. Have you perfected your disguise? [move to the crucifix hanging from the rear view mirror - Omen music]

Driver

Oh, yes. I will be indistinguishable from a real taxi driver.

[Killian gets into the car - the fare increases over the conversation although the car doesn't move]

Killian

Hello. I'm a chief judge you know. I bet you've never had a chief judge in your cab.

Driver

[adopting a Cockney cabbie voice] Ooh, never a chief judge, sir, no. This is an honour. I don't like pakis. Chief judges aren't pakis are they?

Killian

Good lord, no. Don’t be preposterous.

Driver

I used to be a paki myself, like, but I found a magic lamp and wished myself white. Best wish I ever made, that. That and the miniature dinosaur farm. Would you like to see my miniature dinosaur farm?

Killian

[thinking about it - his response is reasoned and deliberate] No.

Driver

Do tell me to shut up if I go on, sir. I do go on, I know. My wife tells me that. Ooh, you should see my wife. Revolting she is. Huge great whale of a woman. Married her out of pity. Sir, if you could only hear my wife fart once, and watch the rippling blubber vibrate up to her dangling jowels, you'd turn into one of those homosexuals. I used to be gay myself, like, until I slept with Michael Barrymore. Kind of ruined the whole gender for me. I've got nothing against evil queers. I don't like them working with kids though, they touch them you know.

Killian

Cocking hell....

Driver

Yes sir, they do indeed. I know I did. Don't you read newspapers? I'm the poor man's Norman Tebbit, me.

Killian

I'm sorry, but shut it right up. I'm by no means a libertarian,

Driver

No sir, I don't like books myself.

Killian

Shut up. I’m as prejudiced as the next man, but I’ve read a lot of books. If you don't lay off this frankly disgusting man on the street bit, I'm getting a black and white cab.

Driver

Sir - you're right. I'm a vulgar and overworked parody. You don't have to tell me. The wife is always asking me "When will you and the ignorant culture you represent just die out?" She's a book learning woman that one. Only she has to get someone to turn the pages, 'cause she's so blisteringly fat she can't move her fingers. Like a bunch of banana sausages, her hands. Fat bitch.

[The fare is now quite high]

Killian

[resigned] Look, if I must have this interminable banter, can you at least start the car?

Driver

Sir - I am a dolt and a buffoon. I will start now.

[The car pulls out and is followed by another car - we move into the other]

Keith

Follow that other cab in this cab.

Driver

What's the magic word?

Keith

Please.

Driver

Thank you. It's as good to be polite. You're not a white middle class heterosexual male are you? I don't white middle class heterosexual males. This oppressive patriarchy we live in needs to be reassessed from the roots, using a historical perspective to allow a challenge to its very conception, and no mistake.

Keith

Oh, flaps. Why didn’t I organise a car for myself? That would have made sense. [he slaps his forehead] Dur!

3. The Lounge.

[Hilary sits in a chair, picking at the arm]

Hilary

Well. Killian's gone to Broughton On The Frith on the premise of some dubious promotion, and I'm left here with a woman I really don't know and Lord Jools.

Mary

Well, you'll be dead within a week.

Hilary

There is that. Oh, Mary, what do you think I should do about that, by the way?

Mary

Well, Killian was right -

Hilary

He always is... [sadly] was..., [thinking about it] no - is, actually.

Mary

- there's always a way out. [her idea of a joke] You might have to marry a tree. [giggles]

Hilary

[dead serious] But I don't fancy trees.

Mary

[forgetting it was a joke] Oh. And you'd have to get a vertical bed to sleep with it.

Hilary

And gone would be my days of fooling around in the woods.

Mary

Is that sap on your collar - you've been with those breezy poplars again, haven't you? Haven't you? Answer me!

Hilary

And... hmm.

Mary

Hmm.

Hilary

Any other ideas?

Mary

Well, seeing as it's a family curse, I suppose you should find out what the original Winters did to get cursed.

Hilary

So it's back to the books then.

Mary

I suppose I could come with you. I've got no judging until 3. We could take Jools with us and have a flat outing.

Hilary

That'd be nice. [he turns away] But it won't be a flat outing. Because Killian's not there.

Mary

And you know if I help, that’s kind of saving your life, isn’t it?

Hilary

Yees...?.

Mary

And that means I own you. Like in China.

Hilary

Hmm. OK.

4. Taxi Cab. Outside the Submarine.

Driver

It's the Chinks what killed off the dinosaurs you know. They sent terminators back through time in a DeLorean car. I was sent back through time myself, like. Inseminated my own mother, I did. Not many people can say that, now can they sir? I'm me own dad, me.

[Killian throws a £20 note and the driver and leaves]

Driver

I took no nonsense from meself, though. I was a good dad, me. I used to hit myself in crowded supermarkets if I played up. People give you the funniest looks, walking around Safeways hitting yourself and crying and touching the chocolates. But they didn't have to put up with me all day long like I did.

Keith

[over the intercom - we do not see Keith in this exchange] Is the judge installed?

Driver

[noticing Killian has gone] Ah..Yes. He is just boarding the submarine to Broughton.

Keith

Good. Soon he will be... out of the way. And then the way is paved for a return to a kinda “medieval-on-yo-ass” style church ruled state. [said in an absurdly English accent]

Driver

Yes. Yes!

Keith

Yes!

Driver

Oh, yes!

Keith

Right there, baby.. ooo...

Driver

[less maniacally] Yes?

Keith

Eow, you're biting... gently... yeah, that's the spot...

[the Driver looks confused]

[Killian boards the submarine. As he crouches down, the hatch is slammed shut and locked. Righteous laughter is heard from above. Killian sits down in the one empty seat. The few other seats are full of mannequins propped up in seemingly active poses - reading, eating, and so forth]

Killian

[elbowing a bald "eating" lady mannequin] Hello, darling. What are you in for? Heh, heh. I'm a Chief Judge you know. But I'm sure a beautiful young... bald... lady like yourself won't be causing any trouble.

[longish pause]

What's your name? I bet it's something pretty. Like Lorna, or Querelle.

[pause]

Are you going to eat that or not?

[pause]

It's getting cold! Eat it!

[pause]

Right, you frigging bitch, I'll bloody well feed you if I have to.

[he grapples her hand, which snaps off]

Well if that doesn't put mayonnaise on the chocolate.

[he moves next to a reading mannequin]

Hey ho! What are you in for? Heh, heh.

[pause]

Chief judge! Hello! Hello!

[he taps the head, which drops off]

Well, stuff my farsical arsical.

[he moves seat again]

What are you in for? Heh, heh.

5. Ludlow Library.

Mary

Well, here we are then, inside the library.

Hilary

Yes. Books.

Jools

[leafing through a book] It says here that walking is the best exercise after sex.

Mary

[sincerely] Is it really?

Hilary

[after a pause] Walking after sex?

Jools

Well yes.

Hilary

Why after sex?

Mary

[matter of factly] Because sex is the best.

[Jools grumbles to himself]

Hilary

Well if sex is the best exercise, why isn't sex after sex the best exercise? Rather than just getting up and walking?

Mary

Aha.

Jools

Bloody hell.

Hilary

Plus, it's a bit insulting to chuck your slop into someone's face and then walk out.

Mary

Hilary, walking is the second best exercise.

Jools

After sex.

Mary

Right.

Hilary

But you said it was the best exercise after sex.

[This conversation continues cyclically, but gets quieter as the cameraman gets bored and wanders around the library. We roam corridors, and Samba style music fades in. As we reach the Occult section, a cowled figure bars our passage]

Death

Care to dally a while? There must be something that .... grabs you. We've all manner of bumph. Here's a little book I think might grab you. IF YOU DARE. We call it...

[rapid zoom in on the book]

THE MONSTER HANDBAG SAMBA PARTY!

[zoom back out. Death is draped in Carmen Miranda fineries.]

[a whooping erupts.. ai-yai-yai, arreeba, etc, and then a Speedy Gonzales voice joins in]

Speedy

Hey, meester! There ees a party in your handbag.... ees a party for monsters!

[the handbag is lit up in disco lights]

Terry Wogan

Heh heh heh, dat's roight.

Voice

The Monster Handbag Samba Party is open to Monsters of all ages. If you are not a Monster, then you can buy the soundtrack album, spread over 3 luxuriously quilted CDs. It features non-stop unforgettable latino classics, such as "The Ballad of Genocide" and "Incest is a Dish Best Served Cold".

Song

They wear exotic headgear incorporating fruit,

Voice

Such as the papaya, maracuya and star fruit.

Song

First they choose the wallpaper and then carpetting to suit,

Voice

Their innate sense of interior design often goes unnoticed by the popular press.

Song

They rob the big fat businessmen and give away the loot,

Voice

But being monsters, they give it to drug-pushers and pimps and not the homeless.

Song

They're those fire-eating, wife-beating, monsters with attitude, and they're playing for one night only in your handbag..... tonight....

Voice

So bring it on down motherfunksters, and get hip to it, and on it.

Voice 2

For a limited period only. Handbag sold seperately. Monsters not included.

Hilary

So, after walking, the best exercise must be sex, then.

Mary

Well, in a manner of speaking, yes. Although I feel obliged to try and reexplain the situation to you.

[Jools whistles from across the room library. He was seated, reading.]

Mary

Oh, how sweet! Jools has found something and he's excited!

[they approach]

Jools

Sweet, my waxy jacksy! I've got a shitting paper cut. This'll be really sore in a bit.

[Mary looks at Jools' finger, Hilary reads the book]

Hilary

Mind, he does seem to have found the right book. Oh - pants - this books about Nerys Winters, and my name's Hilary. Winters.

Mary

[disappointed] Oh, you're right. [sudden revelation] Hang on a minute... in families, it is the last name that is passed down through generations. Except for women, who don’t deserve to keep their names, unless they’re famous.

Hilary

Or unless they marry their brothers.

Mary

Isn’t that a bit tasteless?

Hilary

It is if your brother looks like Bob Carolgees. Oh, look! Here's the story of Nerys Winters.

6. Broughton On The Frith 1852. The Original Confrontation.

[The following is Power Rangers. Very fast, badly made up alligator. Identical hammed up delivery of dialogue and overstated pseudo-martial gestures.]

Nerys

I will make you into a handbag, reptilian scum!

Aligator

See me tremble, little girl. Your simple innocence and weak body are no match for my immense bulk and muscular jaw. I will bite you in half again and again until you are in eighths. [he opens his mouth to roar - zoom into it]

Nerys

You'd better take out Health Insurance to pay for your dentistry bill. I will use as yet unrevealed powers to kick your butt in a most regal fashion.

Aligator

Oho, the girl has guts. I will enjoy spilling them onto this freshly astroturfed all-weather sports pitch. I will summon the weather to moisten you, and then I will kill you with my mouth.

Nerys

Scale-breath! You will taste the wrong end of the stick of my mysterious powers of the Ancients of Zorg-U-Patarrh.

Aligator

Piffle! I will bathe in your blood and use your brain as a sponge.

Nerys

I now will reveal my hitherto secret power. I will produce laser death from my eyes and turn into a panther. And then, as though you were a knob of butter, I will melt you in a saucepan.

Aligator

[in the increasing shadow of Nerys, cowering] Oh, you will pay, Nerys Winters! All those born of your belly, and all those after will die prematurely in the least noteworthy ways imaginable! And the only way to stop this is..... [he screams and dies]

Mary

Well, that was quite commercialised. And they didn't have handbags in 1853.

Hilary

Don't be ridiculous. Where would they keep their walkmen?

Mary

In their bumbags.

Hilary

Oh. Well, at least we know where we've got to go. We're going to Brougton on the Frith, to undo the doo, like the Anti-Betty Boo.

Mary

Broughton on the Frith? Isn't that where Killian is?

Hilary

Actually, yes. Funny, that. Perhaps he will be able to help us overcome the dire curse that looms large over me, like a flannel.

Mary

Well, OK, but that thing about owning you still counts. Even if you help me save you, I still get to own some of you.

Hilary

Which part?

Mary

[looking him up and down] I’ll wait to see if anything gets damaged.

7. The Submarine. Arrival at Broughton.

[Killian stands amongst a mess of dismembered mannequins. He is dishevelled and wild]

Killian

Right, I've had just about all I can take from you lot. [he approaches the last mannequin] Are you going to talk to me, or am I going to have to... judge you like your friends?

[pause]

Killian

Your decision is made. [he approaches]

[The hatch opens automatically, light pours in]

Killian

[whispering evilly into the mannequin's ear] Only the sunlight saved you. I wouldn't embarrass the world with your luckless corpse.

[he clambers out of the hatch]

Killian

Sunlight hurts... must dispense justice... I am the Law...

[he looks around and sees a lone child running across the street. He immediately perks up]

Killian

Oh, dear... was that jaywalking? Child, you just made your first... and last... mistake.

[The child walks about three paces (on a different street) and Killian is on the other side. The child looks up. Killian picks him by the neck a la Darth]

Killian

What's the matter, boy? Got a bone to pick with society?

[the boy woofs, and Killian drops him, startled]

Killian

Did you just woof?

Boy

Woof.

Killian

You speak the lost language of dogs. I will call you Bark, and you will be my quirky sidekick. Let us clean the streets, Bark.

Bark

Woof.

Killian

You know, Bark, you being a dogboy makes my "bone to pick" comment earlier rather comical, don't you think?

Bark

Woof.

Killian

[tousling his hair] Heh, heh, that's my boy. That’s my dogboy.

8. Outside Broughton On The Frith. Getting In.

[Jools is pawing around on the big wall which seals off Broughton. Mary and Hilary ponder]

Hilary

[agitated] Well, this is ripe. I've come twenty miles to face my destiny and there's a big wall in the way. [he gets out a cigarette and starts to light it] Ah, those fresh tubes of soothing menthol joy.

Mary

They're made with glass fibre you know. They make your lungs bleed.

Hilary

Oh, Mary. You shouldn't believe everything you read in those Independant Consumer Reports. Read this leaflet. [he produces a leaflet]

Mary

[reading] The facts... By turning the first cigarette upside down, and then smoking it last, you can negate the harmful effects of tobacco.

Hilary

[patting his breast pocket] My trusty lucky fag.

[Jools find a secret door in the wall. He enters, unnoticed.]

Mary

I suppose we'd better get inside this place.

Hilary

Hey, foxy, what's the heat? Simmer your back burner, where's the beef?

Mary

I'm trying to save your life.

Hilary

Life is so... intangible. You can't hug life. You can't put a wig on life and take it into the bath with you. You can't marry life and try to kill it on your honeymoon.

Mary

Give me that cigarette. You're all soothed out.

Hilary

[sorting it out] One thought does occur to me, though. We don't really know what I've got to do here, do we? I mean, yes, Nerys was cursed by an alligator 142 years ago. [contemptuously] Very zany. But what do I do?

Mary

My plan is to let the plot come to us. Not really a plan, I'll grant you. But who knows what we'll have to do? We may have to fight for our lives in an underwater jungle. We may have to commandeer a jeep to escape from wingless bees. Whatever we must do, the plot will resolve.

Hilary

[looking around] Where's Jools? Bloody typical.

Mary

I wonder how Killian's getting along?

9. The Streets of Broughton. Man Bites Bark.

[The following is in full acknowledgement of the camera, in the Man Bites Dog pseudo-documentary styleee, in B&W. Killian takes us on a tour.]

Killian

Look at this, I own this town. I'm a chief judge. Here, come on, see this. [he goes into a newsagent. He puts on airs and graces to a mannequin shopkeep] I'll take a Twix, please. And I'll be paying with a twenty. You can't change it? Well, then it looks like I won't be paying at all. [talking to the camera] You've got to know how to deal with these people. They don't say much, but their silence is filled with respect. Here, look at this. This is a "Twix". The plural of Twix is Twax. One finger of a Twix is a Twik. There's a way to eat these things. You rip off the corner, like this, and slip a finger out half way. You then hold the wrapping so the chocolate doesn't melt onto your fingers.

Bark

Woof.

Killian

What's that, Bark? You feel the shopkeep was insolent?

Bark

[disinterested, biting his shirt and tugging] Woof.

Killian

Perhaps you are right. [he talks into his gun á la Judge Dredd] Armour piercing. [ the gun beeps in reaction - he talks to the camera] I shot someone once who had a Bible in his pocket. That Bible saved his life. Ever since, I've used armour piercing bullets. In this way, I show that the Bible is just another book, and only as life-saving as, say, two copies of Danny, The Champion Of The World.

[he shoots the mannequin]

10. Outside then Inside.

Hilary

[looking at his watch] Oh, bugger. I've just realised something.

Mary

What?

Hilary

I was mistaken as to the date. It's August 25th today, not in a week. [slaps his own forehead] I'm due to die in ten minutes. That makes everything a little more urgent.

Mary

[excited] Ooh, and ever so dramatic. I’m going moist.

[Hilary looks at her in stunned disgust]

Mary

I've got an idea - you stand by the wall. [he does so]

Hilary

You're not going to use me as a battering ram, are you?

Mary

Mmmmm... no. Just face the wall. And now...... look at me.

[Hilary is pulling a face - distorting every facial feature with her hands. Hilary screams and after a fairly blurred sequence we see that Hilary has run through the wall leaving a Hilary shaped hole in it. Mary climbs through. We are now inside.]

Hilary

[rubbing his nose] Never do that again. That really hurts.

Mary

Only lepers don't feel pain, Hilary.

Hilary

Well, you've cured me of leprosy for a few weeks then. You said you weren’t going to use me as a battering ram.

Mary

Clearly, I lied. Come on. We've got to find a safe place to hide.

Hilary

Hide? That's your plan? Just hide?

Mary

[knowingly] Ah, but it's where you hide. That's very important.

Hilary

[looking serious] No. I've been hiding for twenty minutes now - twenty wasted minutes that I can never reclaim. It's time to face up to.... it.

Mary

Face up to what?

Hilary

[at a loss for anything else to say] It.

11. Killian and Bark On A Road. Reunion.

[This is seen through a Predator heat-view, with Robot/Cavefish Head-Up Display - he roams around the landscape as captions flash - "TREE - potential stump - STUMP - no threat - do not hide from electrical storms under this" -- "SHOP (NEWSAGENT) - stockists of Twax and Pornography - PORNOGRAPHY - no threat - memo to self : buy pornography" -- "HUMANIODS - zoom (we zoom) - zoom - IDENTIFY - Hilary Winters - Mary Highpole - CUT OF GIB - acceptable gib - ASSESS - no threat unless walking dead - ACTION - may commit crime; destroy]

Killian

[removing the goggles] I like the way these goggles think. Although... I have formed a sentimental bond with Hilary over the last seven years...

Bark

Woof.

Killian

Perhaps, Bark. I am letting hot warmth overcome my cool icyness.

[Hilary sees Killian, and waves]

Hilary

Coo-eee! Killian! We brought some biscuits!

Killian

I have all the biscuits I need here. My people keep me well.

Hilary

[temptingly] Hob-nobs...

[Killian shoots the packet from his hand]

Killian

[after a pause, as though he misheard Hilary] Oh. You said Hob-nob.

Mary

It's alright [holding up another packet] - we brought two packets in case you did that.

[Killian shoots the other one away]

Killian

Oh.... they were Hob-nobs as well, weren't they?

Mary

Yes.

Killian

Sorry.

[By now, they are all standing together]

Hilary

Have you seen any alligators roaming around here? I think I may have to kill one to save my life.

Killian

Duhhh, no. But I have got a dogboy. Do you want to stroke him!

[Hilary leans over to stroke him, Bark growls and snaps at him]

Mary

Well, great. We could be hiding in a dark, sweaty place. But no, we had to....

Hilary

[interrupting] I've got six minutes to save my life. We need to find an alligator - any alligator - so that I can kill it. That would seem to be a satisfactory conclusion.

[A special effect whirlwind produces a free-standing alligator - yes, the alligator - who leans nonchalantly on a pillar box]

Gator

[Frank N. Furteresque] Welcome to my town. I see the Christians have brought me a ripe... batch this time. I will enjoy you.

Hilary

Eek.

Mary

Yipe.

Killian

Fnurq.

Gator

[picking under one claw with another] Oh, poor judges. So far from home. You must feel so alone. Never mind, there'll be plenty of company where you're going. And that's hell, by the way. I'm going to kill you, you see. Grrr!

Mary

Why? Why do you have to kill us?

Gator

I don't have to kill you, darling. I merely choose to. I get so terribly hungry, and one can only eat so many Twax before the ancient cravings return.

Killian

You say the Christians sent us here?

Gator

[thinking] Why not. I will indulge you, since you will soon be in my poo. I returned from my lava hut in Valhalla to this town some thirty years ago, in 1965. In those days of tolerance I was accepted, and both men and women freely engaged in sexual acts with me. Upon the dark advent of the 70's, where make up was only acceptable on women and Glam Rock bisexuals, I was treated like a freak. This hurt profoundly, and I expressed my displeasure in the only way I knew. I ate everyone, and cried insincerely over their remains.

Hilary

That's so sad.

Mary

Isn't that crocodiles?

Hilary

[to Mary] Mary, Crocodiles are just female Aligators. Like cows and horses.

Gator

[narked, wanting attention] Excuse me? Thank you. After 1988, however, I had completely exhausted the town of Broughton, but for a small group of Christians whom I considered too boring to eat. However, we made a pact. I would spare them their lives on condition that they would bring me human flesh from the outside world. You, petals, are that flesh.

Killian

[darkly] I see. So this isn't a real promotion after all. I've been taken for a doodle.

Hilary

[to the Aligator] Sir?

Gator

Yes?

Hilary

I really think I've got to kill you. You cursed my ancestors.

Gator

Could it be.... a Winters? Oh, sweet serendipity! I will finish your damned line myself!

Killian

[insanely annoyed] You will pay for this, Christians! [he sprays the Aligator with gunshot. The Aligator stands, hands on hips, or the Aligator equivalent]

Gator

laughing] Bullets are like honeycomb to me. Real, but harmless.

Hilary

[running up and mildly slapping him at arm's length] Take that, you male bitch!

Gator

[scared] Nyee! Limp slapping!

[Hilary continues to slap like a girl]

Hilary

Back to hell with you, bog breath!

Gator

Relentless - whirling - hands, cannot fight...

[Hilary trips over a raised paving stone and stands,still slapping but uselessly missing the Alligator]

Gator

Aha! Your error will cost your life. And your hands, which I will eat first. Mmm.

Mary

Not so fast! I am lay magistrate Mary Highpole, and I demand that you don't do... that.

Gator

Very well. The spunky broad gets it first.

[fade out and in again]

Gator

Very well. The spunky broad gets it first.

[Killian shoots him again]

Gator

[stressed] Oh, now really! Can you just give me a little space here? [he advances again on Mary, but stops inches short]

Gator

Nuts! I have snagged my talon in the guttering. Rendering me virtually defenceless! Boh!

Mary

This is our chance! Hilary! Use your secret power!

Hilary

I'm not so terribly sure I have one. No - wait! I can fart acid clouds in tune!

Mary

Well play him a song! It's our only hope!

Hilary

Well, alright, but I only know Betty Boo.

[He trumps "Where Are You Baby?" with full instrumental backing. The Gator is consumed by a green cloud, who dies, shrieking and swearing revenge]

[the cloud disperses, and quiet returns]

Hilary

Well, I don't feel like a curse has been lifted.

Mary

Well, it probably hasn't. Killing the cursing party doesn't necessarily lift a curse. I don't know where you got that idea.

Hilary

What? You mean... I... and there's only ten seconds left!

Mary

Well, you could always adopt Bark. Then at least you'd stand a 50/50 chance.

Hilary

Great idea! Killian - you're in the High Court - you can do that.

Killian

Okey-dokey. Bark, you are now Bark Winters, Hilary's son.

[Bark is ecstatic - he hugs Hilary tightly, starts coughing, and dies]

Hilary

Why, he choked on my shirt! He’s quite dead!

[they all laugh]

14. Epilogue. Outside The Opera House.

Hilary

Well, I enjoyed going to the library, and then to a town forgotted by time, but there's nothing like coming home. Killian, will you not miss Bark?

Killian

Ah, I pitied him more than I liked him.

Mary

I'll put the kettle on, and make a nice cup of tea.

Killian

There’s a good woman. And we'll all huddle around the fire, like hot chestnuts that don't explode.

[Hilary presses the lift call button]

Voice

[computer voice from Star Trek TNG] Access denied.

Hilary

Who said that?

Voice

Lift command functions are transferred to Keith Jeffs, authorisation Gamma Omega Delta.

Killian

Darren Jeffs. We went to school together.

Keith

[over the intercom] That's Keith, Redgrave, how many times must I tell you, my name is not Darren. However, it doesn't matter. While you were away, we laid seige to you little pad, and now the world lives under the Word of God.

Mary

We were only gone for an hour.

Keith

We Christians work quickly. You would be wise to leave now, friends, for we have knives.

Killian

Oh, we'll go. But then we'll come back.

Keith

When, exactly?

Killian

Ah - I'm not telling. That element of potential surprise will niggle at you for a week.

Keith

So you'll be coming back in a week then?

Killian

Well, yes. Yes, we will.

Keith

I'll order some more guns.

Killian

Bugger. [thinking] But I might have been bluffing.

Keith

Susan - hold the gun order for a minute, would you? Well, Killian? Were you bluffing?

Killian

To be frank, no. I wasn't.

Keith

Fax the order through. See you next week, Judges! Over, and above.

Hilary

Um. We'd better prepare ourselves for another action packed stint then.

Mary

It's a wonder that any legal cases get heard around here.

[Killian and Hilary stare at her for a moment]

Killian and Hilary

Shut up.

Mary

Well, I never did.

To be continued…