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Episode One.
Scene Six. Mary Is Moved Out.

Mary is a lady. Again, a classic and admirable device is to use a woman as a non-character, who absorbs, and is the subject of the jokes of the men. In an attempt to demonstrate that I am not doing this - which I am - I gave Mary her own quirks. These quirks are forgotten in Episode 2, and she quickly becomes subdued by the other judges. Is this an angry commentary on our oppressively patriarchal judiciary? I like to think that it is simple and pure laziness.

              [Ben, Stella, and Grant plan the best way to tell Mary that she should move out.]

    Stella    OK, so we're telling her today, right? She's got to move out.

    Grant     I'm not telling her. I'm too nice. Everyone says so. I'm the nice one.

    Ben       Christ! Why don't we just lie? Tell her that you're pregnant, Stella. And that she's
              the father. And the baby has no eyes, just two mouths where the eyes should be.

    Stella    No. We need something a little more believable.

    Ben       We could say we were going to eat the baby.

    Grant     Why don't....

    Ben       and that the baby was evil and that's why we had to eat it.

    Grant     [nobly ignoring him] Why don't you make a pass at her, Stella? She wouldn't like that.

    Stella    I'd rather pick up a sparkler that's just gone out.

    Ben       That'd hurt.

    Stella    Yes, I know, Benjamin. That was sort of the point.

    Ben       Hey, why don't we all move out?

    Grant     It's an idea. I don't even mind her being a loss adjuster, but must she bring her work
              home with her? If I find another adjusted loss in the fridge, I'm going to adjust...
              adjust her arse!

    Stella    And it's not even the taxidermy. I mean, she's been at it for so long now, you'd
              think she'd be able to get it right, but just look!

              [Move across some truly horrible animals. If you remember the cat in "That's Life"
              that was mutated by an amateur taxidermist, that's what I'm after. A boz-eyed crow
              apparently doing the can-can, a fish's head attached to the body of a guinea pig or
              something, and some completely alien creature, perhaps a famous one, like a Grey,
              or Predator.]

    Stella    I say we just tell her we can't live with a loss adjuster. It's just not us.

    Ben       But that's not fair. It's not her fault she's a loss adjuster.

    Stella    Ermm.... yes it is.

    Ben       Oh, yeah. I thought it was like being black. Ssh! She's coming!

              [Mary enters - about 30 years old, doesn't fit in. She is carrying a bong in one hand
              and a bag of fruit in the other]

    Mary      What's this? I found it hidden in a secret compartment.

    Ben       [despairingly] Oh, shit me out....

    Grant     It's a vase.

    Mary      Vases are for flowers! How nice! Mind, the water's a bit dirty.

    Grant     Yeah, that's plant poo.

    Stella    [showing solidarity] Yes, plants do poo terribly, don't they. Tchoh! [she makes a
              farting sound and gets looked at by the others] What? I'm a plant, pooing. [pause -
              Grant looks strangely at her] It was your idea!

    Mary      OK, I can accept that... but what's this little spout full of twigs?

              [long pause, glances]

    Grant     Cuttings? Yes, fine, they are indeed cuttings.

    Ben       [snapping] Look, it's a bong, you dim sow! In the spout is marijuana!

    Mary      [dropping the bong, it smashes] Dear sweet Virgin, I am dirtied! [the water has
              covered her feet] Oh, I'm paddling in narcotics! I feel like I'm in Scotland!

              [she skips around uselessly, trying to avoid the water]

    Ben       You really have never tried it, have you? Look. We want you out. You, your freak
              laboratory, and .... your bag of fruit.

    Mary      [suspiciously] This is about the toothpaste, isn't it? If you don't like what I do
              with the toothpaste, why don't you have the guts to say?

    Grant     Toothpaste?

    Mary      And.... what do you mean, "my bag of fruit"? What are you trying to say? There's
              nothing wrong with fruit. Unless... [a thought occurring to her, which disgusts her]

    Grant     No, hang on, what was that about toothpaste?...

    Mary      Did you... did... you... think that I... wanked with the fruit? Did you picture me
              with florets of broccoli dangling from my erect nipples, dancing some arcane pagan
              ritual and pleasuring myself with a star fruit? [for a split second, almost
              subliminally, show this image of Mary in a field doing exactly that]

    Ben       [gagging] Oh, mercy! Mary I'll start looking for a new place today. I'm certainly not
              stopping in a house where my flatmates think I wank with fruit!

    Grant     But we didn't ... [he gets slapped by Stella - then gets it] oh. Apparently, we did.

    Mary      Well! Goodbye! [dramatically blusters out]

              [pause]

    Stella    Dim sow? Is that a chinese meal?

    Ben       I'm sorry. She just pushed me too far that time.

    Grant     I want to know what she did with our toothpaste.

              [pause. The three all touch their tongues warily]

Well, if you've got this far you'll probably want to go onto a clip from Episode 2.