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As my dear old mother said, "if North were up, we'd all be living in Plymouth".

She was right. But she was wrong about a lot of things... my mother was the first to assert that in these days of enlightenment, where no-one could be really racist, black people shouldn't really mind being called niggers any more. She took it all the way to the tribunal, she did, and in the celebrated case of Blyth v Niggerkind, she established the legal precedent that if you said "nigger" while pretending to sneeze, then you weren't actually saying "nigger" at all. And it's true - try it yourself. But make sure you're surrounded by plenty of coloured folk.

If North actually was up, then up would be backwards, and we could all fly, although we'd bump into things. This is why birds have eyes in the side of their heads.

Furthermore, regarding the phrase "coming up" - if you're coming up, and talking to someone who has not taken drugs, you are not actually "coming", you are "going". If you're going to be correct, you should say "I'm going up, and you're staying right there, mister. Right... where... you... are." I mentioned this in a club, and was told (quite firmly, I might add) to fuck off. Quite chirpily, I fucked off. Until I got more than half-way to where I was fucking off to, of course, at which point I started to fuck on.

And why is it that "looking up" is so bloody ambiguous? Say I looked up a friend - telephoned them and asked them out for a drink. No-one would bat an eyelid - in fact my friend would probably be pleased. But now, say I looked up that same friend's skirt, perchance to glimpse a furry border of minge hair. I'd get a fucking slap for my troubles! Explain that!

And that's not all.... according to the "pop" charts, presumably so called because they are "popular", we are told by some girl that "The Only Way Is Up", baby, for you and me now. Well, if the only way is up, what am I doing when I'm going down on rent boys at 3 am in the morning? Am I just going up in reverse, or do the laws of pop music not apply at night?

And in space, there is no up, so phrases like "Down And Out" are rendered meaningless (although "in" and "out" are reported to still apply in space). So, there can't be any poverty in space, then? No "down and outs", no-one on their uppers. So the scientists would have us believe.... bollocks. Hot air rises, right? Just boil some water and follow the steam, using flippers as vacuum propellors. Sorted. Respect due.

All in all, I hate the direction up. It's always the direction you can't go. And if you do, there's always people telling you you're going to have to come down again. Well - when you do, make sure you land on their fucking heads, and do a big wet fart up their nose.

Perhaps you would like to return to my front end.