richard's story Richard's story isn't actually Richard's story, it's about his brother-in-law. However, after due consideration, it was allowed into the annals, because it contains an awful lot of poo. Enjoy, you motley crue of motherhepcats.
Go for it
But spare me no horror
You logging this?
Started at Go for it
OK, there are two stories. One is not really poo, but it's about me and it's bad and the other is about my brother in law and it is major league poo.....
Which one first my good man?
I'll step around the rules that don't really exist, and accept your brother's story. Because it is major league poo.
But you must personally vouch for its veracity
Yes I can vouch, I know all parties and saw some of the evidence... OK, the brother in law, football presentation evening. The team has booked the fuction room at Leicester City football clab to make a real good do of it.. It's a jacket and tie job so he borrows a suit...
Who lends him this suit? His boss?
Not sure who lent him the suit...
Carry on, then. I thought it might have been someone who could have sacked him for shitting in his suit. Like in a sitcom.
Shitting in the suit, thats fucking minor part of this story.... (excuse my language)
You're forgiven - I think people reading this might be used to the odd swear swear
He goes to the meal / piss up with his now wife and there friends (of the time) from next door, another married couple... They go in a taxi so that they can all have a drink...
At this point I must point out that Steve idoes have a bit of a record for getting pissed and being ill, I mean the guy managed to sleep the entire night on a busy road island in the middle of the ring road.
Classy chap
Anyway we move on. It's about 11:30pm he is fucking hammered... He starts dancing with one of the other football lads. Rather, throwing each other around the room..
Booze brings elegance and finesse
Anyway he lands on a table, it breaks in half. The drinks go everywhere, the glasses get smashed, and the security have had enough. They start walking over towards him.. At this point his partner heads them off and says there cab will be here soon so they'll wait outside for it...
They get him to his feet and get him outside (the three of them have to kind of hold him up)...
All sounding quite typical so far...
Outside....
Yeeeees?
The air hits him, so now he's twice as bad... the cab turns up, it's a mini bus they have sent... They get him in the mini bus, he falls off the seat flat on his face on the floor of the mini bus and lies there the entire journey home...
They arrive home, he gets himself out of the mini bus....
No shit yet. He's doing very well.
Now you know when you look at things in the cold light of day and you realise what a stupid thing it was to do, here comes one of those moments from the next door neighbours. They are a bit tipsy themelves, but Steve is well and truly fucked. They say "It's only midnight come round to ours! We have some beer in the fridge."
They go in the house. After 5 minutes Steve's partner is thinking perhaps she ought to go check on him cos he was left at the side of the road, so she goes outside....
He isn't at the side of the road anymore...
He's asleep in the middle of it.
Luckly it's not a major road.
Nice effort, though. He must have woken up and thought... maybe over there would be better...
Yep, how he got there is unknown
Now you'd think that this would be enough get him home.... No get him inside the neighbours house...
"Steve would you like a beer"
"Yes" says Steve.
They deserve everything they get
Wait till you find out what they got....
If I wasn't typing, I'd be rubbing my hands together in glee
Now at this point I should mention that Steve and his partner (I won't name her to protect her) have a 3 year old son, and the babysitter is staying over at their house too, so perhaps thats why they didn't take him straight home... I don't know that could of been the thinking but who knows, morte likely they were a bit pissed themselves...
I should also point out that Steve and his partner also have a brand new bathroom suite less than 1 month old.... You know where this is going I guess...
Plush carpeting, I hope
None of those pesky easy-wipe tiles
No easy wipe tiles, nice carpet and a very nice new bathroom mat...
For our purposes, excellent.
He sits in the chair with his beer and drinks about one mouth full before falling asleep... After about 10 mins he falls off the chair face first into the cats un-eaten bowl of cat food....
Fantastic work. A lovely image
Now they get the message it's time to go.... They can't wake him or move him...
I bet he looked happy though
But he's been pissed there before, not this bad, but bad... Let him sleep here says the neighbour (removing the cat food) I'll leave my key in the door so if he wakes in the middle of the night he can let himself out....
God, can I have his neighbours?
Now the good bit... The aftermath....
The events are unknown from here, he certainly doesn't know to this day. Here is the evidence, decide for yourself...
GO ON
FOR GOD'S SAKE, GO ON!
please
OK, 3am approximately Steve's partner is half woken, there is a vision in the bedroom doorway of Steve he has no trousers on.... She says whats going on where's your trousers... His reply "Don't ask, you don't want to know".
Heh! At least he's made it home, though.
She goes back to sleep....
She trusts him. God bless her, she trusts him.
Cut ot the morning about 8am I think but the time is not relevant....
Only the poo is relevant.
Steve is well abd truely asleep at the side of her... You know how you kind of wake up and get up but you're still half asleep....
Well that's her this particular morning... She goes to the bathroom - I would imagine for a piss....
Whats does she find there....
I can't even begin to guess
SHIT... All over the bathroom....
HOW MUCH all over the bathroom?
I don't know I just told you her words although from what follows you can assume the guy was ... A) Loose and B) has an arse like a tardis....
Fwee!
She goes back into the bedroom, she's pretty pissed off... She throws back the duvet cover she's gonna have a fucking real good go and who can blame her..... What does she find...
Could it be..?
More...?
Beautiful...?
Delicious..?
SHIT.... All over the bed and the duvet cover...
She looks at the bottom of the bed there are the trousers....
It goes without saying.... Shit in them.....
I would expect nothing less
But whats that the nice new bathroom mat, what is that doing there, she loves that mat (she's a woman they do things like that)....
Well, he had to wipe his arse with something didn't he....
At this point, I'd like to rewind to the stage where he woke her up at 3am, and said "Don't ask, you don't want to know"
If she'd pressed the point, and said "no, I'm intrigued, Steve - what happened?", what would he have said?
Sorry - carry on...
Now there are stirings from the other poart of the house.... The babysitter, the son....
They mustn't use the bathroom - she has to go stop them....
She tells the babysitter, then she goes back to kill Steve....
She tells the babysitter in time, though - that's a good thing
I assume the babysitter went to inspect....
Well you would, wouldn't you
The neighbour enters there a house, a lovely bloke is Paul, one of the nicest, do anything for you.... Even clean up the sick you left in his kitchen and hall way....
What - did he have to do that this morning?
Steve's partner is upstairs the babysitter is downstairs talking to the neighbour.... She must go appologise.... She hears the conversation just as she is about to go down stairs....
The neighbour says "Hows Steve"...
Gut sinks
The babysitter says "Bad, he's messed up the bathroom"
Sack her - she's clearly not loyal
The neighbour says "Yes, he was very ill at mine, I had to cleam the sick from the Kitchen and the hallway, It was foul smelling"...
The babysitter says "Oh no, thats not puke, it's shit. He's shit everywhere"
Little blabbermouth
OK, now the neighbour goes through realisation of what it is he's acytually cleaned up.... Steve's partner see's his face as realisation dawns.... The guy feels ill and leaves....
My lord. The man must have ambiguous shit.
I ain't done yet.....
Well then you simply must go on
Steve's partner is now beginning to wonder how he got in. The neighbour Paul left a key in their door, but she can't remember if Steve had a key or not to his own house. Anyway, she has to go and apologise....
Dressing gown on, slippers on and go next door....
Yeeees?
I actually can't work out what's going to happen next
The neighbours look ill... She says sorry, she says it lots....
Have they found a new batch?
She leaves there property, as she leaves she notices a trail that leads from the neighbours front door to the side of her house... A trail of shit....
Good fucking grief
Was he dragging himself along on his arse or something?
She follows the trail, she follows it to the side of her house... The shit is up the side of her house, quite high indeed he must of climbed something to shit that high up....
How did he get in?
He... climbed in through an upstairs window?
After rolling around in his own shit for a while?
You'd of thought that but if he did he shut it behind him..... and that would of taken him into his sons room....
Urk
Thats the story done.... The build up and the evidence... The chain of events we can only guess at...
He obviously can't remember....
Does his son have any recollections of a shitty shadow?
No, nothing at all, nor the babysitter who was in the spare room... Although his son was only just 3 at the time....
Ah... fair enough. That moment of adulthood where you realise your father isn't perfect may have come a little soon for one boy had he been a little older...
There's still my story to come, yet.
I'm afriad that's all we have time for, sir. However, we simply must talk again at some point. Thanks very much.
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