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Episode Six.
Lord Of The High Rise

    Jools     Sometimes, an episode is written that runs for too long. It could be for any
              reason, the author could have got excited, or it could be a... medical reason.
              Anyway. These bits are clearly the worst bits, otherwise they'd have been left
              in. But we've dragged up this dross, and used it to pad out a rapidly flagging
              retrospective show. Enjoy.

              [as the scene changes]

              Here's what happened when Hilary found some Chinese woman on a central reservation.

    A. Hilary Finds The Women.

              [Hilary walks down the road. As he passes a central reservation, he notices a
              group of chinese women huddled together, shivering. He crosses over to them]

    Hilary    Hello! Is there any problem?

              [the women honk and hoot; this is their only way of communication]

    Hilary    You're stuck? Come with me. I will lead you to the safety of the pavement.

              [he grabs one hand, they follow him like schoolchildren. the woman at the back
              belches. The others point and hoot at her.]

    Hilary    So what were you doing there?

              [one of the ladies holds up a picture of Kilroy-Silk. The others coo
              enthusiastically]

    Hilary    You came to England to see Robert Kilroy-Silk? The silver-tongue king of UK
              Chat? Our very own male white Oprah?

              [abundant hooting]

    Hilary    Come with me, I'll make a few phone calls and try and sort something out.

              [he walks off again in the same fashion. The same woman belches again, and the
              others point and hoot again. Hilary ushers them along]

    B. The Lounge. Some Interesting Developments.

    Mary      So they were just standing there?

    Hilary    Yes. They were trapped.

    Mary      Trapped? How were they trapped?

    Hilary    Well, they probably just thought the central reservation was a very small
              pavement, that didn't go anywhere. Perhaps they're not allowed to cross
              roads.

    Mary      OK... given that they can only follow pavements, how did they get there?

              [Hilary looks up and down suggestively]

    Mary      Oh, they did not get beamed down, and you know it.

    Hilary    I don't know what I know anymore, I really don't.

              [There are twice as many women now - about 12, and they are milling around
              restlessly]

    Mary      Well, the strange thing is, they appear to be reproducing.

    Hilary    Yes, I've noticed that.

              [a commotion breaks out amongst the women, as one is pushed out of the group
              and is angrily cooed and honked at]

    Mary      What's going on now?

    Hilary    From what I've picked up of their language, I think they've exiled her.

    Mary      Well why?

    Hilary    Ladies - what's happening?

              [they point at her shoes - red shoes - and howl. Then show the other group,
              who are all wearing blue shoes]

    Mary      I think it's because she's wearing red shoes. They appear to be a blue shoes
              tribe.

    Hilary    How did you know that?

    Mary      It's just a woman / shoe thing. Give her your blue shoes.

              [Hilary does so, and she is slowly accepted back into the fold]

              [In the lift, Lord Jools has an enormous blue shoe with him]

    Jools     Well. That was an excellent promotion at Dolcis today. My very own massive
              blue shoe.

              [the lift dings, opens, and the women see the shoe and honk insanely before
              dropping to their knees]

    Hilary    Oh, brilliant. Now they worship Jools as a god.

    Jools     Well, well. Looks like it's my lucky voodoo blue shoe. Toodle-oo, you two!

    Women     Toodle-oo! Toodle-oo! [other women shout "voodoo!" and "blue shoe!"]

              [There are now 20 women]

    Hilary    What could possibly happen next?

              [The phone rings, Hilary picks it up - it is Killian]

    Killian   Hello? Hello? Can't stop to talk, but I've just found an enormous red shoe,
              from a promotion at Saxone. I'm bringing it home. We can use it for drug
              smuggling.

    Hilary    Killian, don't... [he has hung up]

    Mary      Oh dear. If a giant blue shoe is God, then a giant red shoe must be Satan..
              oh dear....

    Hilary    [holding up the phone] How did you hear that?

    Mary      I don't know. Perhaps I've got radio ears.

    Hilary    As if life wasn't complicated enough!

    Both      Thchoch!

              [Five minutes later caption - Killian is in the lift, and some of the women
              have climbed into the shoe with Jools and are driving around inside it,
              honking. There are now about 30 women.]

              [As the lift opens, the room drops in awe. The complete silence is broken as
              half the women pledge their hooting alleigance to the red shoe out of fear]

    Hilary    Well there's a turn-up.

    Mary      That's all we need. Two warring religious factions in our lounge. And two
              deities as flatmates.

    Killian   I know I've knocked religion in the past, but it's kind of different when
              you're the god.

    Mary      Right - you phone the Chinese Embassy, and I'll phone... Freeman Hardy Willis.

              [another five minutes later, the lounge is empty but for the four judges]

    Jools     What happened? Where are my acolytes?

    Mary      [to Hilary] Tch. It's the same old story. It's the same all over the world.

And that's all I'm willing to show you at the moment. Variable, isn't it? Of widely varying quality. That's how I classify myself, and I hope you agree. From here, three choices I give. Back to the My Beautiful Sitcom page, back to the main page, or the chance to tell me what you think.