I am Jared. I am one of the menials who work for our cruel and unforgiving master, Skeletor. You can see me here, in the background. I get real kicks from being around the boss. He's always threatening to kill me, but he never does. Even when he caught me looking at him undress, all he did was hit me over the head with his staff, and say "mnyah, I'll teach you!". Which hurt, don't get me wrong, but it felt really good at the same time. I want to tell you about this time we got back from another failed attack on Castle Greyskull. We're used to losing here, and we've had to invent our own ways to make ourselves feel better. |

EPISODE ONE : SNAKE MOUNTIN'

As I said, we'd just got back from another failed attempt at taking over Castle Greyskull. It was a real shame; I truly believe that we came the closest we ever did to controlling the whole of Eternia this time. It was a two-part episode and everything. But in the end, He-Man and Battlecat turned up, and they whipped our asses. Sometimes I wonder why we bother. Just looking at the boss's face as we made our way back to Snake Mountain, I could tell he was pissed off. I put my hand on his shoulder.

"Mnyah, Jared, I'm aching all over. I think that floating motherfucker Orco hit me with one of his energy bolts while I was looking at Teela's tits."

I moved behind him, and my other hand joined my first. Moving my hands around his back and beginning to massage him, I felt his muscles shift in anticipation, and then drop heavily as he began to relax. It's difficult to explain to people how a skeleton can be so enormously muscular. It's not so strange, really, although I cannot explain why it isn't strange. Or perhaps I choose not to.

Skeletor leant back into my groin, and his teeth started chattering. This meant one of two things - either he was angry, or he was feeling sexy. I was reassured by an evident rush of blood to his cock. It's also difficult to explain how a skeleton would have blood, or a cock. However, I knew that my ass would be left bloody for a week, and that poo would just fall out of it freely, meeting no resistance from my bum walls. I licked my lips and started to dribble over my tunic.

We were stirred by a disturbance from the undergrowth. It was Beast Man and MerMan. I didn't mind if they joined in. MerMan was a wanking titty-pincher, happy to fiddle and kiss on the periphery. Beast Man, though, shares my enormous love of cock and would stand around complaining and tugging on my sleeve unless he got a go. It's sad to see a Beast Man cry, so after I've finished I fart spunk into his face and sing bawdy songs. It cheers him up.

Suddenly, Skeletor seemed distracted. "Did you notice when we left Castle Greyskull hidden in those suits of armour? They didn't lock the drawbridge properly, I'm sure of it! Mnyah! All I have to do is harness the power of this forbidden gemstone, and we will rule Eternia! Let's dress up as cooks, infiltrate the Castle, then suddenly kill everyone!"

Beast Man grumbled. "I wouldn't make a good cook. I'm not hygienic. I'll just wait here, and rub myself off against this cougar."

"Mnyah, do not defy me! You will wear this special hat and pretend that you are a visiting dignitary. Whatever you do, do not remove this hat, not even to doff it to the cowardly Prince Adam, who is badly drawn."

I knew what would happen. Beast Man would be cornered into an enforced doff by Man At Arms, who would be outraged at a seeming lack of respect for the Queen. The plan would fail, but I would join in. Because once we got back, Skeletor would be horny.