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click graph to hear | The Simple Down Description : Linear descent Application : Trousers falling down, a snoring exhalation, or an unarousing sight, such as an angry matron, where a previous state of booby-arousal was in place. Experience (supplied by Olive from On The Buses) : I hear this sound every time I watch my inconsiderate - well, abusive, really - husband breathe out as he sleeps. I have tried stitching tennis balls to the back of his pyjamas (although why I did this remains a mystery to me), but he called me a stupid woman and told me to take them off, which I promptly did.
click graph to hear | The Simple Up Description : Linear Ascent Accompanies : Hat flying off in high winds, eyebrows raised to a surprising circumstance (such as a matron walking into a scene of boob-swinging arousal in her ward). Also signifies the beginning of a penis erection. Experience (Provided by Lord Snooty) : I remember once, I was "scrumping", which is what children did before Playstations. Trying to knock an apple off the branch with my posh cane, I was flailing fruitlessly (ha ha!), until I got the idea of hitting the trunk really hard with a military hammer. I fetched such a hammer from my father's proper Army arsenal, and after thwacking the stump, I heard the tree begin to shake quite alarmingly. As I looked up slowly, I made this sound, just before being covered utterly with apples. Ouch!
click graph to hear | The Sine Wave Description : An indefinite high variation climb / fall parabola. Accompanies : After being hit on the head with a frying pan, the Sine Wave is a good alternative to birdsong. Also used to symbolisethe disorientation a man feels after having his head clamped into an enormous pair of boobs. Experience (supplied by Inspector Clouseau) : Once, I was trying to spy on someone I was utterly convinced was stealing some jewels. He was in the second floor of a swanky hotel, and I was going through his sock drawer, when he came in, with a beatiful lady who was undressing. So I jumped out of the window and used the awning over the foyer as a trampoline. I made this crazy sound, but I never got to see the lady naked - and it wasn't for a lack of trying! I was so keen that I hit my nose on the window and slid down slowly, making this sound.
click graph to hear | The Resurrection Description : Fall, hold at low, rise triumphant Applications : A man falls over, but lands on a booby woman, who raises her eyebrows as he begins to get an erection. A woman fights unsuccessfully to hold her skirt down in a strong gust of wind. Experience (supplied by Scooby Doo's Thelma) : I can't see a thing without my glasses - you're probably aware of that. You're probably aware that when I lose my glasses, I have to crawl around on hands and knees looking for them, until I reach a monster. However, one time which had to be cut by the censors was when I had the erm... painters and decorators in, and Scooby Doo got the wrong idea. I was putting out all these pheromones, see, and Scooby is just as animal, after all. As I fell to my hands and knees, the swannee whistle went down, but it went up again as Scooby mounted me, while Fred and Shaggy just clapped.
| The Wobbler Description : Small tremulations at middle pitch Applications : A tight rope walker becomes distracted by a large pair of breasts. A pair of breasts gently bounce to themselves after their owner stops trampolining. A ghost interrupting a groping scene. Experience (supplied by Adam Faith) : I am a notorious but good-natured drunk. When I am stinky drunk, my friends set amusing tasks for me, to test my dexterity. If I complete the task, I get a bag of Mini Cheddars. If I fail, I get a bag of nuts - I am allergic to nuts. This is the sound I made after those crazy lads made me drink a pint of ash water and spin around in a dress, like Wonder Woman.
click graph to hear | Wobbly Up Description : y=2(sin x)+x Application : Usually accompanies an ill-advised increase in altitude, such the the ascent of a staircase by a mummy who has snagged a fundamental bandage on a splinter. Experience (supplied by a hapless homeowner) : The first time I heard this sound was after the Chuckle Brothers came around to my house and started to stack irregularly shaped books in order to reach a jar of cookies containing my saved-up money, so that they could start their own tickling business. When I walked in, Big Chuckle was stood at the top, waving his arms around in really big circles. I didn't phone the police, because I couldn't stop laughing!
click graph to hear | Wobbly Down Description : y=2(sin x)+x, upside-down Applications : A very special form of slow fainting, usually seen after someone plays the drum on the top of a dustbin, then leaves. Then, it becomes clear that there was a hobo in it. Experience (supplied by one of the Numbskulls) : This sound was performed as I fell down the plughole. I am all miniature, because I live in a human head, and control my host's everyday actions by sending ticker-tape messages to the eye department. I was sucked out of the head by a cotton bud, and got carried away by the bathwater. Luckily, I managed to convince a spider not to eat me, and carry me back to his ear as he slept. I rode that spider like a cowboy!
| Hysteria Description : Random pitch cavorting Applications : Immediately pre-collapse after considerable head injuries. Dangerous state of arousal, possibly implying ejaculation in trousers if followed by a Simple Down. Experience (supplied by Bette Midler) : I have been known to over-exert myself on rowing machines in moderately sped-up film footage. The Hysteria whistle is reminiscent of my heartbeat during these episodes, and my staggering crab-walk from the rowing machine to my cigarettes, which I left on the other side of the room.
| Dual Whistle Combo : Up-Wobbler Description : Simultaneous Simple Up and Wobbler Applications : A tightrope walker gets an erection. A ghost matron interrupts a chaotic scene of bed-jumping in her ward, after lights out. A pair of breasts bounce slightly as an erection is slipped between them. Experience (supplied by Mrs Overall) : I heard this as I climbed up a set of stairs with a tray of tea for Miss Babs. I heard a simpler version during my "Two Soups" sketch, in which I carried two bowls of soup really slowly and wobbly. However, in this one, I was going upstairs, and it was tea! It took us ages, because my tights kept falling down on the stairs, and I was off my head on drugs.
| Thanks to Richard Murkin for the sounds, and the idea of including non-sexual definitions, and the Chuckle Brothers. One track mind indeed!