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Scene Fourteen
Some Past Lives Of Lord Jools

             [It is the main sales floor from "Are You Being Served?". Jools is Mrs Slocombe.
             Inman and the bird from Eastenders are also there. A robot stands in the middle of
             the floor.]

    Inman    So this robot is supposed to be replacing us all as the latest in shopkeeping
             technology?

    Bird     I won't stand for it.

    Inman    You don't stand for much, if the rumours in menswear are anything to go by.

    Jools    Look what I've got. It's a machine that gives you an erection.

    Bird     What, like a porn mag?

    Jools    Better. You put it on your penis and it sort of sucks up the blood and gives you
             the horn.

    Bird     But you haven't got a penis, Mrs Slocombe.

    Jools    [confused] Haven't I?

    Bird     No, you've got a pussy. A lovely, hairy pussy. [canned laughter]

    Jools    Pussy? [canned laughter]

    Inman    So technically, that could be used to give a dead man an erection.

             [The scene changes fluidly again, with the quantum leap effect. Jools now sits in
             the Queen Vic pub with Inman - a whoosh sound separates the scenes, but the
             conversation is not stilted]

    Jools    Not really, because the blood would have congealed in a dead body.

             [a nun has got the round in. She joins Inman and our Jools]

    Inman    But if you were really quick, I mean, if they'd only just died....

    Jools    Well, I suppose so.

             [Inman picks up the device and runs off]

             [The nun looks at Jools, belches like a foghorn, blows Jool's purple wig off, then
             she gets up and walks off - as she walks through the pub doors, the Quantum Leap
             body change happens again and Lord Jools is now the nun]

             [Lord Jools walks up to a front door. It is answered by a Dalek wearing a pinny. The
             purple wig flies back into the scene and lands on the Dalek.]

    Dalek    And where have you been? You left the toilet seat up. You know how I have trouble
             with toilet seats. I had to blow it up again.

    Jools    [to the camera] Boh, why did I have to marry a Dalek?

             [A caption with cheesy Ronnie Hazelhurst music - "Dalek And The Nun" - an
             introduction sequence shows the story of their premarital romance. The Dalek talks
             in a normal-ish voice unless it is in capitals]

    Song     He's a dalek, she's a nun,
             She loves to lick, he's got no tongue,
             His laser stick is set to stun,
             It's Dalek & The Nun....
             So sit down and don't be late,

    Dalek    Or I'll EXTERMINATE!

    Jools    So, what's for dinner?

    Dalek    I blew up a chicken in the kitchen. There's some left on the walls but our dog
             had what went on the floor.

    Jools    We haven't got a dog.

    Dalek    Well, a dog ate it. You haven't said anything. Haven't you noticed?

    Jools    You've had your hair done. Very nice.

    Dalek    No, I blew up the lounge. I thought you'd be angry.

    Jools    Fine, fine.... I'm just going upstairs to lie down.

    Dalek    [giggling] I'll be up in a minute. I'll just slip into something a little more
             comfortable. [her gun goes off, and blows up a vase] Oh, no! The priceless Ming
             Vase! Durrr!

             [Jools wakes up on a table in an operating theatre. Two doctors prod at him.]

    Dr1      He's coming around.

    Jools    Where am I?

    Dr1      You're in the Year 2046.

    Jools    Where's that?

    Dr2      [Black Country accent] Dudley.

    Dr1      Give him the tinned baby.

    Dr2      Yes, he'll feel better after he's eaten a tinned baby.

    Jools    Eur.

    Dr1      We all eat tinned babies in the year 2046. We make poor people have them so
             doctors and architects can eat them. They're considered quite a delicacy.

             [he licks his lips with a lizard tongue]

             [A knock at the door - the atmosphere lightens and an audience of children
             are revealed. Suddenly we're in Emu's Pink Windmill]

    Dr2      There's somebody at the door!

    Dr1      There's somebody at the door!

    All      There's somebody at the door!

             [Grotbags bursts into the operating theatre - the children boo]

    Grotbags Shaddup, you brats.

    Doctors  Grotbags!

This scene goes on... but you've read enough. You may have noticed Dalek And The Nun on the other SitCom page. Since writing that, I discovered a sketch on Spike Millligan's "The Best of Q" video, featuring a Dalek who keeps blowing things up around the house, and also Harry Hill's "Fruit Corner" features singing Daleks, which I had used in a later episode. And that Victor Lewis Smith chap was at it as well. I clearly underestimated the comedy appeal of Daleks.

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