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The Old Folk's Page
Putting the OAP into Soapy Tit Wank

Old people. One day, we will all be old, and we will expect the contributions we have made throughout our lives to be repaid in the form of compassion and care. Until that day, however, let us revel in the ceaseless joy of attacking those who have become too weak to defend themselves! Oh, yes. Yes, yes indeed.

### OAP News

In New Malden high street today, an old man walking his tiny dog came a cropper when he became distracted by a tartan travelling blanket in a charity shop. The dog, either a chihuahua or some other wanky rat, had also become distracted by what it thought was a tin of cat food, or whatever it is that dogs eat. It wasn't cat food, it was a council estate, but small dogs are pretty fucking stupid by any chalk. You know that you can drop an insect from any height and it won't die - it's the same with small dogs. Kick them, drop them, they'll still outlive their pensioner by a good ten years - or would, if they weren't so fucking CRAP that they'd be able to hunt or something.

But, I digress.

The dog and the pensioner, veering in different directions, became ensnared when the leash struck a lamppost, and the two were speedily mummifying in leather. Sensing the distress of a co-pensioner thanks to the same secretion that wasps use, hundreds of old women emerged onto the high street, causing congestion and hitting children with their umbrellas. What happened then is unclear - the throng of wither-biddies obscured this eye-witness' view - but the end product was all too clear. Several slightly fatter old women, and the skeleton of an old man and his dog.

Also, in a minibus on the A10 today, eight old people died, but that's what they do best.

### The Young People's Guide To Aged Folk

### Profit From Old People

Obviously, you can sell your old people. Make sure you do actually own the old person you are selling; and bear in mind the following factors which may affect the price.

- Speed. Some Cuban dealers require fogeys for the thrill of the hunt. If your pensioner can put up a decent chase, and especially if they are handy with an umbrella, then the price increases steeply.
- Blameability. Sell your pensioner to a clumsy person, who can then "blame it on the pensioner" whenever a priceless Ming comes unstuck.
- Any Other Special Talents. If your grandmother can put up with high levels of pain, why not offer her for Nazi-style torture? Or if she's particularly flautulent, why not stuff some lavender up her arse and turn her into an air freshener?

First, however, you have to catch your pensioner. Nesting pensioners can be tempted out of their trees with the use of tartan travelling blankets. Throw this blanket over their legs, and they will immediately become comfortable and fall asleep.
Burrowing pensioners are a little more tricky. Their tunnels sometimes go many miles below the mantle of the Earth. First, you must divine which tunnels actually hold pensioners. Lower an Alsatian into the hole on a harness, a lovely soppy Alsatian. When the cord slackens, hoist old Sabre out of the pit, and if he has turned into a chihuahua called "Barrymore", then you've got yourself some pensioners.

Actually, the easiest way to get pensioners out of their burrows is to bribe them. Wave around a video of recorded soap operas (some pensioners refuse to watch anything at the scheduled time - they record it and watch it half an hour later in the belief that they are controlling their destiny). Once the first head pops out, tempt them further by pretending to be willing to kiss them. Once they are within reach, grab them and run like fuck. Pensioners are weak, but angered and in a crowd, they can overcome any hardy youngster.

### Pleasure From Old People

If your old person has Alzheimer's disease, it is enormously entertaining to make them cry. A suggested conversation is this one, between little Timmy and his grandmother, Beryl.

    Timmy : Hello, grandma. I bought you some grapes.
    Gran  : That's nice. I like grapes. Where are they?
    Timmy : You ate them tomorrow.
    Gran  : Oh, dear. Now that won't do, will it?
    Timmy : What's your name?
    Gran  : I don't know. [sobs]

If your pensioner is fully compos mentus then you can still convince them that they're going stupid by moving furniture slightly. This is especially effective if they are also blind. With the use of springs, a blind pensioner can make an excellent "pinball".

As old people are new to technology, it is relatively easy to convince them that an egg-whisk is a time machine, and a VCR is a dinosaur. Soon, they'll think they're living in a wonderful prehistoric world - in their very own living room! Perhaps you could even spice up this new life by throwing tennis balls (or their more evil cousins, cricket balls) at them and shouting "Killer Bees!".

### Other Ideas

- Bustle lots of pensioners close to a cliff edge. Keep pushing more and more pensioner towards the edge, until some fall off the end. The ones that drop off, you keep!
- Find a pensioner two sizes smaller than yourself. Skin them and wear it to see what they looked like forty years ago.
- Persuade four lady pensioners stand in a row and bend over. Hit their saggy bazzoms with a stick, and hey presto - a mammarific Newton's Cradle to relieve executive stress.