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[acting school] [rejected scripts] [discography] [cleo2000] [sitcom]

The year is 2000. 2000 ay-deeeee! PRIMULA Cleopatra, after three years in her box in the curio shop in Milwaukee, managed to pick the ornate lock with one of her dreadlocks, and won her freedom. Her muscles were wasted from inactivity and a diet of whatever Primula squeezable cheese she could hungrily lick from the keyhole. Her skin was a disturbing translucent blue from the prolonged lack of sunlight. She looked a bit like an angry iMac. NIBBLED Meanwhile, in Manchester, UK, Joyce felt a foreboding sensation between two of the rolls of meat on her stomach. She was being called home. Home, to Milwaukee, where her Curio Shop was being violated. Joyce ran a Curio Shop, where you find your heart's most precious desire, and you can have it for dirt cheap, so long as you spend seven years locked in a box being fed Primula through the keyhole while Joyce llives out your life in a pop band. She sensed that the heart of her shop, the Sex-O-Matic Venus Sausage, was being nibbled. LADY-BABUSHKA Cleopatra, who missed her sisters Yonah and Zainam, had found a small cask in a secret compartment at the end of a booby-trapped tunnel. Using a different, smaller dreadlock, she picked the lock again, and found a shiny sausage resting on a velvet cushion. Overwhelmed with a brutish, animalistic hunger, she put the sausage in the corner of her mouth and started to nibble at it like cartoon rabbits eat corn on the cob. Kind of like a typewriter. As she nibbled, she could feel her lady-babushkas moving around in her dress. Getting bigger. Getting pointier. Getting sexier. DING Joyce teleported back to her shop by climbing into her handbag and saying the magic words. Her powers ebbing every time that Cleo got to the end of the sausage, turned it around a bit, started again, and went "ding", Joyce had little time to spare. She climbed out of the handbag to find Cleo popping the last segment of Venus Sausage into her mouth. Then she did a really healthy belch that made Joyce's hair fly backwards and turned her eyes into crosses. Cleo jumped into the handbag and said the magic words, backwards. SHADOWY Back with her sisters in our pop band, Cleo taught Yonah and me - Zainam - to be sexy. Although our mother didn't approve at first, she soon saw that if we became sexy like Billie Piper did, she might be able to sell us again* - only this time, for millions of pounds! So she said OK and went to the off-license to buy some whisky. *The first time Cleopatra's mother sold her children was to a shadowy man with no face, who gave them back after Zainam kept trumping and giggling in the bath with him. CLEOPATRA 2000! So this is it! We're here, in the year 2000, and Cleopatra are gonna sex off in your face! Here is how we're gonna use our different body parts to make you wanna jerk off into your gran's best china.

EYES Cleo's going to open and close her eyes hypnotically, and lure her prey into a comfy bed. Zainan and Yonah, however, just stare at people they want to sex, until they come over. Then they'll say "I've lost my contact lens", and the man will say "Where is it?" and we will say back "In your heart, you mighty fine man." | BREASTS Breasts are a magnificent way of getting men all sexy. Now we've got some, we're going to emphasise our breasts by including dance moves in which we point at each others nipples, and press them in. In our latest video, Zainam clamps her hands over her breasts and look surprised! Oo-er! | TONGUES When we used to stick our tongues out before, it was just being childish and silly. Now we know that you can use your tongue to be sexy. It's exactly the same, but you have to do it slower, and not swear or giggle. Plus, you do this beckoning gesture with your tongue, which is how dogs drink. Weird - but men love it!
CALVES Calves are pretty much useless for being sexy. The only thing they're good for is for standing on tip-toes. This is useful in non-sexy ways, like for reaching biscuit barrels, and I suppose you could use it for kissing men who are taller than you - but if a man ain't willin' to stoop, he ain't no man. CALF SEXXXINESS = 3/10 | BABUSHKAS We thought Babushkas were breasts - in fact, they can't really be anything else. I mean, if it meant Foo-Foo, we'd have called them mutton sockets, or something. So we're gonna do the same with our Babushkas as we are with our breasts. Unless we find out different - keep you posted! | ARMS (including WRISTS) Pretend your arm is inside Emu. Then draw back your fingers across your thumb, as though Emu is making a cross face. Then make him shake his head from side to side, as though he is angry or disappointed. Hey presto - this is how Cleo taught us to masturbate men, without digging our nails into their root!
BOOTY We thought, as kids, that Booty was something that pirates pinched from merchant ships. However, we watched a couple of episodes of Ricki Lake, and Booty means bottom! That means that pirates went around pinching people's bottoms - so they weren't so bad after all. They just had a misguided sense of occasion, and poor social skills. | FOO-FOO Our Foo-Foos are our most precious asset, and we are going to waste them by getting them out on stage! Sadly, there is a bit in our contract that says that any flashing neon arrows pointing to our Foo-Foos must be over three metres from our bodies. This is a real shame, as we had our hearts set on neon arrow costumes for our new single, "Foo-Foo Heaven". | SECRET PLACE To find our super sexxxy secret place, you must first clear the area of all monsters - it's very shy! Then, press the button found at the main entrance to the Asylum, and look at the movement in the blocks above you. Then, you have ten seconds to turn around three times anti-clockwise, and fire. This will open a secret cave that you can have sex with.

disappointment